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Ok decided to write my story on here, when its finished I'll leave it on for a while then delete it. Bare with me cos it'll be a bit at a time. There's alot I can't write about, I've tried but I can't. Might also help others writing theirs. |
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Bev, will it be ok if i copy and paste each bit you post and put it together for the book?
Sue |
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Nearly nineteen and been through so much already, I'd lost my mum to cancer when I was sixteen after many years watching her suffer from this terrible disease. At seventeen I met a guy whom I courted for about a year and a half, he was the first of my abusers. I had the sense to press charges and he got six months. I got a job as a secretary for a bus company which I thoroughly enjoyed, but all I seemed to do was work, eat and sleep. One night after work I decided to go meet my dad in the local pub, I was in need of some company. There was a new barman behind the bar, he served me and when he gave me my change he smiled at me and said "I'm gonna marry you", don't be daft I replied, you don't know me. He seemed a nice guy, much older than me but to me age didn't matter. Over the next few weeks we got to know each other a little better. He had a twelve year old son who lived with him and other kids that lived with his ex wife. Every day I met up with him, he just seemed to get nicer and nicer. I eventually told him about my ex and what he'd done to me. He wasn't happy and said if he ever laid a finger on me again he'd kill him. Wow I'd got this wonderful guy who loved me, would look after me and would protect me. He'd been working away from home and was staying at the pub and going back home at the weekends to check on his house. one weekend he asked me if I would like to go back with him for the weekend, of course I said yes. The weekend was great, he was caring and thoughtful and nothing seemed too much trouble for him. Back home we'd arranged to meet at the pub, we'd both entered a friendly pool match with the other regulars. It was my turn to play, I was about to take a shot when he stood up and told me to take a differant one. I didn't, I took the shot I wanted too. He just flipped out, waving his arms in the air and looking at me as if I were dirt. He later told me he was sorry, he was tired. These little incidends happened a few more times, but me being me just brushed them to one side. You'd have thought I'd be able to recognise the signs with what I went through with my ex. These were my warning signs and looking back now I should have noticed them. Boy can love blind you. His job had come to an end and it was time for him to go back home. He asked me if I'd move in with him. It meant leaving my family and job, but he was worth it and I was sure I'd have a good life with him. So I packed my bags and left for my new wonderful life with him. Things were great at first, then it all slowly changed. He was no longer the wonderful charing guy I'd met, he was turning into someone different. I should have took notice of the signs, the snappiness, the mood swings, the raising of his hands as if he was gonna hit me, the wanting everything his own way. In the bedroom the caring lover had disappeared. The first punch came one night when we were argueing, it came out of nowhere, I just stood there shocked, speechless, not even able to cry, the whole house was silent. Then came the sorries, I'll never do it again, I don't know why I did that, etc, etc, etc. He looked so upset at what he'd done I actually felt sorry for him and brushed to one side what he'd just done to me. He looked so remorseful and I fell for it. After that things just got worse and by now I didn't even get a sorry off him. I found out that when I'd first met him he'd just been released from prison for hitting his ex wife, but still I stayed believing all the lies and excuses he gave me. His drinking got worse, the violence got worse, things in the bedroom got worse....everything was my fault, I made him hit me, I walked into his fist, if I'd do as I was told he wouldn't have to do it to me. Everything he said was drilled into my head till I believed it was my fault. Yet I still stayed. my life was a mess, I was a mess, I had nobody. Every arguement ended in violence and when the violence stopped then began his sexual needs. The more I said no, the more he enjoyed it, the more I cried, the more he enjoyed it. In the end I learned just to lay there and let him do what ever he wanted to me. I lied to everyone about how I'd got the bruises, although I don't think anyone believed my anyway. His family kept telling me to leave him, I was young I could do much better. Yet I stayed. One day he came home from the pub with his cousin. I hadn't finish drying the dinner pots. That was enough to set him off. He hit me, but then I did something really stupid, I hit him back. It was like watching something in slow motion watching him fall back onto the living room wall. I knew i was in for it now. His cousin did tell him not to hit me me but when he took no notice his cousin just left the room and went upstairs. After that, all I can remember is my blood splattering up the wall and accross the ironing board and with ever punch things just seemed to flash black and white. My face was a mess I even had bruising inside my mouth. I had to go to the doctors, I lied to him, I told him I'd put too much baby oil in the bath and had slipped and fell on the taps. He didn't believe me either, but I stuck to my story. |
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Yep Sue, doing it this way so its easier for you. I'm crap with comps. Will keep adding everytime I get chance. Love Bev |
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He was costantly accusing me of sleeping with other men, although I wasn't allowed out without him, he'd make sure everyone knew I was his. If a man looked or smiled at me then I was encouraging him and I must be sleeping with him, so more beatings. Yet he was getting more and more perverted in the bedroom, ....these are things I can't write about. In a morning I would have to make his work mates a drink then sit in the same room as them while he told them in great detail what he'd done to me the night before in the bedroom. Not one of them ever told him to shut up or stop speaking about me in that way. They just sat there and listened to every word he said. I'd sit there feeling humiliated, sick, cheap and embarrased. He'd threaten to bring one of them home with him so he could watch the other guy in bed with me. Luckily for me he never did this, but the thought scared me so much. One day a friend asked him if I could go out with her on a girls night out, I was gob smacked when he told her I could. It had been so long since I'd been out on my own, I was so excited. I kept thinking I'm gonna get ready to go out then he's gonna kick off and not let me go, but he didn't. Off we went giggling like a couple of little kids with the excitement, but that soon came to an end. He'd sent him son to follow us, his son said he didn't want to but his dad was making him. After a while his son went home to report to his dad that everything was ok and that I wasn't with another man. That wasn't good enough for him, he didn't believe it so decided to come and find us to check himself. I saw him walk into the pub, my heart sank, oh no whats he gonna do, the pub was packed. He walked over to me, dragged me out of the pub, leaving my friend sat there on her own with a lok of disbelief on her face. He pushed me accross the car park screaming at me to get home. I started walking home too scared to stand up to him. I thought he was following me, but he wasn't. Then I heard the sound of the engine of his works truck coming up behind me, I stopped walking and turned round, I jumped out of the way just in time. He stopped the truck and told me to start walking again. All the way home he kept pulling up behind me, revving the engine, trying to frighten me, which believe me was working. I was shaking so much I don't know how I managed to walk home. Back home came the accusations, a few smacks then to the bedroom for the usual humiliation. |
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((((BEV))) FOR BEING BRAVE THANK YOU XXXX I LOVE YOU |
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When I got pregnant with my first child, I was over the moon. I was going to have someone to love and someone to love me. For the first time in ages I felt happy. When I told him I was pregnant I thought he would be as happy as me, but he just said "well its nothing new to me, I've already got kids", my happiness just seemed to drain away. He wanted a baby so why wasn't he as happy as me? I think sometime a baby is just another way of making sure you're tied down to them more. During the pregnancy the abuse was more mental and emotional than violent as before, but he was still drunk all the time and I was just getting more and more depressed. Even when I went into labour he had to have his last session of sex before I went to hospital. It was a long bad labour and I lost alot of blood, he was drunk and decided to go home and leave me on my own. When he got home his mum told him he should go back to the hospital to be with me. I wish he hadn't he was so drunk. Because of my blood loss I wasn't allowed to go home, I had to stay on bed rest in the hospital. Everyday he would moan about when was I coming home, so in the end I begged the doctor to discharge me. when I got home, I noticed he'd been decorating and making sure everything was nice for when I got back. He told me things would change and once again I believed him. Things didn't change, they got worse. I was still weak and so tired and the baby just wouldn't settle. the midwife kept calling longer then she should have because I was in such a state. Then post natal depression set in. I was so depressed and worn out and the abuse just kept coming and coming. If my baby was crying, she would have to wait because he had to be seen to first, even in bed. The doctor put me on tablets and I had to see a councillor, but how could I tell her what was happening at home, what if he found out what I'd said to her. The councillor started visiting me at home, he'd sit there acting like this wonderful doting partner and father making out he was such a wonderful caring guy. Then came the day I just wanted it all to end, I wanted it to stop I couldn't cope with it anymore, I wanted to die, I just wanted to die. I sat on the bed rocking back and forth, I didn't even realise I was pulling my hair out by the roots in big clumps, I couldn't feel any pain. I looked down at the hair in my hands and the bottles of tablets next to me and all I could say was "I want my mum, I need you mum, why did you have to die and leave me". Then I heard my baby cry, it was like a jolt back to reality. How could I be so selfish, how could I do this to her and leave her alone with him. Who would look after her and keep her safe. |
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Every time I tried to leave him, he'd stop me, either with abuse or his latest trick was to take an overdose. I'd feel so guilty that he'd took an overdose I'd go running back to him. I didn't realise he had no intentions of killing himself, he was just manipulating me and it was working. I fell for that one so many times. all the pain he caused me and he could so easily turn it round on me so it was my fault. My daughter was four when I finally managed to leave him the first time. I went to the Social Services for help. After what seemed hours of crying and pouring my heart out to this total stranger, (who was a man), he gave me my train fare back to my home town and some phone numbers of people to contact when I got there. At this point I still hadn't told my dad and step mum what was going on. When I got back home I packed a small bag of clothes and hid it. Tomorrow I was going to leave, going to finally get away from him. I was awake all night, mad thoughts running through my head....what if he found the bag I'd packed, what if he didn't go to work, what if I couldn't act normal and he realised something was wrong, what if he comes home and catches me trying to leave him again. |
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| Be as strong as i know you are. |
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Feel me.
Thats all i ask of you. |
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The next morning when he went to work I walked around the house going in every room as if I was saying good bye to my home and everything in it. All I had was what I stood up in and a small bag of clothes and essentials. this was it, I was finally going to do it, I was finally going to leave and get out of this hell. My family were so supportive, if it hadn't been for them I'd have ended up in a bedsit or refuge. But I had something I'd got to tell them.....I thought I might be pregnant again. It wasn't planned, doctors had advised me against getting pregnent or go back on the pill again yet as I'd had a suspected miscarriage and they were going to send me to hospital to have my womb scraped out because of bleeding problems. Trouble is ex wouldn't wait till it was ok to have sex....he wanted so he took. I had a pregnancy test done, it was possitive. I knew I'd have to tell him I was pregnant. The first week back at my dads I didn't know if I was coming or going and I felt so down. Spent the week at the doctors, benefits office, solicitors, school and council. There was so much to get sorted. He'd found out where I was staying and was constantly phoning. I agreed to let him come through and see our daughter, but only if someone was there with us. We met at the park, but he was more interested in seeing me than doing anything with his daughter. Told him I was pregnant. He thought I would go back to him because of this. I told him I wouldn't. Told him I was going for custody of our daughter and I'd already been to see a solicitor. He didn't flip out and stayed quite calm. I agreed to let him come through and see his daughter on a regular basis so long as someone else was there with them at all times. Over the next few months Mr Nice Guy started creeping back in and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. He promised no more violence, he'd get help with his drinking. He promised me everything I needed to hear and I believed him. Back to being a fool. I moved back in with him. The first thing his mum said to me was " I'm glad you're back, he needs someone to look after him". Not I'm glad you're back we've missed you, you're looking well, congrats on being pregnant. All I got was he needs someone to look after him. I guess while he was my problem, he wasn't theres anymore. Everything was great for a few weeks, then I started finding beer etc hid all around the house. He was even getting his son to sneak it in for him. He'd be drunk and still deny having a drink. This time round he wasn't violent physically, it was mental abuse. So much so he'd only have to raise his hand or voice and I'd be on the floor begging him to stop. One night I found him sat on the bed with two calving knives in his hands saying " I know what to do now, I've been told what to do. Then pointed the knives at me. I ran down stairs, and yet I couldn't run out of the house, I don't know why, but I just sat down stairs praying he wouldn't come for me. After a while he came down stairs and just nodded his head at me. He could scare me so much without even laying a finger on me. He'd got mental cruelty off to an art. |
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When I went into labour with my second child my neighbour and very good friend took us to hospital. He was his usual drunk self and I felt so ashamed at what the midwives must have been thinking. I told the midwives my friend was my sister (I know, I lied because I didn't want to be left with him on my own and I needed some support) They let her stay through the delivery. |
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The next day I overheard the nurses talking about a man that had been in the night before who was drunk. I knew they were talking about him. I felt so small and just wanted to hide. For a while after the birth things weren't too bad but true to form they went back to normal. |
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He started going to the pub more and coming in later. If I waited up for him he would say I was checking up on him. If I was in bed then he'd say I didn't care about him, either way I couldn't win. One night he made me strip naked and sleep on the floor at the bottom of the bed. He'd even threaten to throw the baby out of the bedroom window if I didn't do as I was told. He was a sick power freak. |
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| This message has been deleted due to termination of membership. |
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