i wonder now if maybe i left this too open lol, so here's the follow up to what i was thinking when i asked...

 

Talking about women in general i am of the belief and often outspoken about the need for personal strength and self reliance. Sometimes it feels like i'm living with two different people inside of me. My opinions and beliefs seem to grow in two different directions. I hate depending on anyone and yet when my world is going pear shaped i yearn for nothing more than to slip under the blanket of certainty that comes with just being the submissive. Closing all of the other parts of my life off, emotionally (and maybe mentally) holding up the reins and saying 'please just take them'. Sometimes just for a few hours and at some points in my life for longer.

 

I'm not particularly proud of these moments, it feels a bit as though im taking advantage of something precious when i look back on it with a clear head.

 

Thinking about the times when i have done it makes me wonder if others do it too. Is there a line that's not okay to cross, is it not okay to do it ever? At what point do you stop really serving your Master and start serving your insecurities or aprehension? If They're happy, does it even matter?

 

 

 

dev my lovely little sissa

 

i was glad for your second post -it gave a nice sum up of those things runnin round in your brain..- But what made your question to me perfectly clear was the conversation we had in IM the other morning. i believe if my memory serves ...a few fury tears were shed... How funny those epiphanies come when you have first woken up and i am done with my day and exhausted- i think the timing is perfect.as long as there is tissue nearby *smiles*

 

i know exactly what you mean when you describe the importance of being strong. i know a bit about that too.  Sometimes, i have so many balls in the air it seems... and i can easily make myself believe that it is of paramount importance that i not only keep them well juggled - i never let anyone see im struggling  to keep them up or am nearing exhaustion.  For me it is not so much that my thoughts run in two different directions as much as i simply forget that sometimes the most important thing to submit to, is life, circumstance, things you cannot change or ignore. i suppose in that sense i do hide behind my wonderful juggling act- but it always catches up with me before long.

 

i've spent a lot of time developing my metaphysics.  ive found deep and well tried truths about myself, the grace i aspire to achieve, the wisdom i hope to follow in life.. the kind of woman i hope to be. These are things i try very hard to measure my actions by - The world is so full of people who are unaware of how they move through it- i am cautious to look around and constantly measure who i am.  I am so determined to live my life by these truths - to not find myself looking back on my life and regret the hypocrisy of it, that i can  forget to embrace the lovely faults of my humanity- i forget that a moment of weakness or exhaustion is as much a fact of going thru life as the truths i cling so vehemently to. i go and go and go - and when i finally cant go any further i sit in amazement at how all part of me wants, is to be held.  i want to crawl in my Masters lap and yes hide- from anything that needs my attention, anyone that needs me, any question i dont have the answer to. i want to believe His presence will erase the ache of every kind of hurt. i want to be lost in the protection and peace of that focused state where all i hear is His comforting, sure, voice, all i see is the blazing  pride and dark desire in His eyes- His smile, His scent... Is it wrong to put such a burden of need and want on anyone else when i and i alone am responsible for my life and how i live it ? Am i selfish to sit for just a moment as i ask myself that question and admit ..i honestly dont care if its wrong ?

 

I suppose because of the experiences i have known in my life i have learned that these moments that feel like quiet desperate weakness, are more about the strength to let go.  They are more about learning the lesson that even if one or all of those balls drop... life will go on, i will still be who i am , He will still be proud to love me.  i WILL get up and keep moving - More than likely i will in a short time, pick up all my beautifully colored balls ..throw them into the air with a smile on my face and start juggling again as well. i have learned to let myself have these moments without judging them too harshly later on.  They dont define me, they dont define the depth of my devotion or the character of my submission. They do not rule me or my heart.

 

As far as Those who love me, the ones who embrace the things i have to offer- There is another lesson to be learned here i find.  To be needed, to be leaned on, to be confided in by someone you love be they Dom, sub, or otherwise,- is important. As hard as it may be to 'submit' to the very human feelings of need, of desire, of sadness,of wanting to feel safe, it is one of the most intimate things we can share with someone we love.  i believe dropping that veil and allowing someone else to see our pain or our exhaustion and the extent their presence gives us peace and happiness or makes us feel better, is one of the all important ways we can validate those important people in our lives. If its a weakness to show our vulnerability, than it is a testament to the trust and love we give them to be vulnerable before them, to reach out to them when we need them, to tell them how much our love for them makes the hard times worthwhile. Learning the importance of being able to validate someone this way has been a hard lesson for me- but i am glad i have come to know this truth more than any other. i have been on the other side of that need. It is a beautiful thing to be allowed to comfort someone you know is strong and self sufficient. To think my arms would be a place of comfort and safety is something that has validated who i am in my life. How sad i would be to have never been given those precious opportunities.

Life is a tricky thing sometimes and second chances arent always there. Even if it feels like weakness, i do my best to put my feelings for people in this perspective, and be brave enough to validate their importance in my life by sharing my less than perfect moments with them occasionally. There are plenty of people who would say i have a lot to learn still in this regard - good thing learning is a lifelong process *smiles* All things willing, ill have a few more years to practice.

 

Of course there are boundaries, and yes there are lines that when crossed can create an unhealthy situation, but because i try as often as possible to allow perspective to enter in to my view of things, i remember, at the end of the day, i will still be responsible for my own life and how i lived it.  i will still be the one that is either satisfied or not with what i have done with every opportunity ive been given.  Me feeling vulnerable, me wanting to just float and needing someone to float with, has nothing to do with the responsibility i have to the many truths ive come to know.  i have come to trust myself to let go of the world every now and then - run to the succor of strong arms and a warm smile- or the sweet presence and sympathetic ear of a good mate.   i give myself that need every now and then freely and without the repercussion of shame or regret. i give myself that  moment of weakness if you will, with the understanding that i hold up pretty well in the world 90 percent of the time ...well ok maybe 80...well ok the actual percentages may vary...*grins*- ill give myself some wiggle room there, and simply trust it will all work out in the end.

 

With much love always,
SteeLs pet
~fury~

 

fury...this is beautiful and inspiring.  simply thank you.

Wow. It's amazing how life works and when you MOST need to read something there it is. Thank you dev, thank you fury. I would like to offer some thoughts to this discussion as well.

I think your question dev sums up the conflict I have tried to sort out since I first discovered D/s nearly 5 years ago now. And fury's response to it, sums up the journey I am now finding myself coming full circle on.

My experience in D/s has for the most part been a series of misunderstandings ... about definitions, expectations, and my own desires. I often here myself say, "But I thought that was what submission was???" To give of yourself completely, to endeavor to please the Dominant, to be subservient at all times, and put your needs to the side, always. Where did I get all this from? I have no idea lol. I guess I absorbed these notions along my path and when I found them to come into direct conflict with the girl that lived deep inside me, I immediately made it an identity crisis and measured my worth and value as a submissive, woman, human, partner, lover ... what have you, on the fact that I was NOT always docile and meek. It wasn’t until recently that I entertained another notion: who you are as a submissive is as unique and special as who you are in any other part of your life. If you have a proclivity to speak your mind, or think critically over situations, or have strong opinions on a wide variety of subjects, does not make a woman or man less a submissive or a treasure to his or her Master or Mistress.

Soooo, I believe the same can be said of the times when you feel like you just want to melt into that amazing feeling of knowing you are protected, loved, cherished, and your Master or Dominant takes the reigns and assumes that special place in your life. I don’t think its wrong or weak to give of yourself in that way, just as fury expressed; rather I agree with her that is a mark of your strength as a submissive to let those parts of your self-reliant, self-possessed femaleness go (not abandon forever) and ... surrender those most delicious parts of yourself. Its what draws us to this type of exchange as submissive woman and what makes who we are incredibly unique. To be strong and able to endure so much, and yet when the moment calls for it, to surrender so completely.

On the other hand, dev I wonder if I can relate to your question another way. The cold hard fact is as a submissive, when you do give of yourself completely to Someone you love and trust and you end up hurt in that relationship, I know for myself, I begin to wonder whether is worth it or even healthy to be so vulnerable to another human being. This is where the conflict goes into the full swing for me because I always strive to be independent and not need anyone, because of where I came from in my own life. I learned early on from watching my mother, that being dependant on someone can leave you with no sense of self. And that is something I have always struggled against. On the other hand, my desire as a submissive is to give of myself. In its purest form my submission is an expression of love, commitment and a deep and inexplicable desire to please the Man I love. But I am very hard on myself, as I think all of you are on yourselves. And when I step out of a disappointing situation, where I have committed fully, expressed love from my core, surrendered all my instincts at the door and trusted with my whole heart, only to be told that certain aspects of my personality, such as boldness, directness, honesty, are not desirable qualities for the Dominant I longed to serve - then yeah I wonder if all I did was hide in my submission to this person so I didn’t have to deal with the fact that I am alone now in this world, since my mother died, and what I want more than anything is to be in love and give the best parts of myself to a loving relationship with a Man that gets me and sees my wonderfulness.

Takes a breath.... I think its just this simple. If you are not in a strong place in your life, than you are in danger of losing yourself in the act of submission. Its easy to think that submission means surrendering your ability to think and reason. It doesn’t. You are still responsible for your actions, choices and who you are. And like fury has often told me, in one form or another, you have to get to know the woman you are, love her, and don’t compromise on that. You have to have a life of your own, even within a D/s exchange. The challenge is finding the balance and being wise enough to know what is ok for you to give of yourself and what is simply off the table. And I HAVE to believe a wise Dominant understands this too and cherishes the strong woman you are, loves that about you and appreciates all the more when you melt to your knees next to Him.

What I have learned up to this point is that I have chosen this path because I believe in what I am doing, that is, wanting to submit to the right person and to serve him and to learn all the wonderful ways I can be submissive, for him and as an expression of who I am. I could no longer stop being a submissive then I could stop having freckles. Its fundamentally a part of my core, but so is being strong and self reliant. When my life becomes seemingly unmanageable and I feel so alone or so lost, I want my Master dammit! lol. Not necessarily to give me permission to stop living, but maybe just to listen and be empathetic. But more than any other time in my life I see the importance of not "needing" but rather "wanting" someone. If I become dependant on my Master for my life's happiness than I believe I am setting myself and Him for disappointment. However, I think within a "healthy" relationship, both parties strive to make each other happy.

I know intuitively that right now I need to reconnect with the girl I shoved in the top left cubbord. I learned more misconceptions I had about D/s and now I am working on defining things for myself. I will tell you I won't give myself to Someone who will not treat that gift with care. And this is where being self-reliant and ok with being on your own comes into play. I wont allow myself to go down that rode that submission is bullshit just because I trusted the wrong person, but rather, perceiving a new awareness that giving everything of yourself before the Other offers an iota of himself to you, is probably not the wisest course of action.

Wow did I even respond to the question posed? I am not sure now, but what I said came from heart and its where I see things at this point. I love all of you and you all have taught me a great deal since I have been a member of your community. Oh and this discussion is wayyyy better than the uhhhh stuff I have read in the other comms.

all my love

syd

furylicious you are one of the most eloquent women i have ever met. Thank you so much for your post. I guess i never really thought to look at it from this point of view:

 

 

Sometimes i feel very old for my years and then other times very young. Thanks for loving me either way  and for being such a great mate

I read thorugh this entire  posting and my eyes went misty *snags a tissue fury has stocked nearby* Another thought came to my mind reading about how much can be held back in service as I assume they don't want those pesky problems or need to know something is hurting as this could not possibly bring them pleasure could it? For myself sometimes I take control and make assumptions I just have no right to and have been told off for this by those who care for me. It truly is irritating when i am so completely wrong lol. Wonderful post dev and a beautiful perspective of it fury sis.

 

teaz

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i wanted to thank everyone who took the time to respond to this post. I'm not sure if everyone is aware but i've been offline for a few weeks so responding has had to wait until now.

 

I'm sure i will re-read this thread more than once, i doubt this question is ever going to be fully put to bed in my mind lol. i can only say that i will try to be less judgemental with myself and that i'm grateful for the perspective Y/you've all given.

 

Thank Y/you

 

dev

Assuming I've understood your question correctly, I have had the same internal struggle myself.  When I am feeling assertive and strong, which is most of the time, I wonder about my submission "Am I fake?  Do I belong here? Am I betraying my independent nature?".  Then when I feel vulnerable and want that protection from the world I wonder if I am encumbering another with what is, ultimately, MY responsibilities.

 

No doubt I will have this inner debate again and again, but what I will use as a guide from now on is:  In exchange for submitting when it was INconvenient for me, I am entitled to benefit from and enjoy it when it IS convenient for me. That is, in part, what both parties signed up for.

 

I hope this post helps you as much as your question helped me. I sometimes think I, alone, muddle through that paradox. It's good to be reminded I don't.

 

Donna