Child Loss -- Greiving with the family

Important Announcement

The MSN Groups service will close in February 2009. You can move your group to Multiply, MSN’s partner for online groups. Learn More

Benjamin Josef Fairley Donnell was the light of our lives. He was accidently killed by me his mother in a backover accident in my fathers driveway on 7-08-04.He was 48 inches tall 43lbs full of all the fire you find in 5 year old boys. His grin spread from one ear to the other. Poor kid the one thing he got from my father was his ears! He was born almost 6weeks early and due to complications we had to have 7 1/2 months bedrest to keep him. Tragically his twin brother didn't survive and only lived for 18 weeks.His name was Alexander Granville after my grandfather who died when I was 7 and I loved more than anthing. Benny [ yes no Benji!] had a hearing difficency only 20% in his left ear and only 70% in his rt. Nothing stopped him. He once told a waitress that he would like another pancake for his breakfast because he didn't think his hollow leg was filled up yet.

It was a beautiful day ; a dress how you want thursday. So, w/ dinosaur glow in the dark shorts and a brite halloween orange tank top ,socks in hand and his new school spiderman sneakers on the wrong feet he was ready to go. He stood in the hallway and spread eagle announced "Mamma how'd I look?! " and of course you can't laugh because HE thinks he looks Good!. We went to our errands and hung out at Bumpas for the kids to play out back on the swing set and I announced I was ready to go. We had the Jeep around the edge of the drive partly on the grass . Because I was tired and wanted to get home I reluctantly said for once I would not life him off of the porch swind area[over my short 5ft 5 head] and give him a"picky uppy' into the jeep. I regret that till the day I die. Benny died 3 minutes later. His sister was in her carseat in the back I told him to stay on the porch and I would meet him inside and get him a juice for the road. I started up the car to back it in the drive way[ less than 3 feet] and Caroline screamed "MOM" BEN"!! There was no "CRASH", there was no "BUMP. Just nothing. I do not know if I shut off the car first or put it in park.I went to him and he was pinned on the shoulder and upper section of his chest under the turnded rt front tire. He looked up at me and said "MAMMA?" Like didn't you know what would happen? The grief is unbearable sometimes. I could only reach in part of my fingers to his little hand He died before the ambulance couldget there 5 min. later. Caroline got the 911 for me to call even living across from the sherrifs it seemed forever. They airlifted him to C.M.M.C in Lewiston Me. but he didn't make it .They say they restarted his heart but I know he went to be w/ his brother and my mother when he grabbed my fingers.The reconstruction police etc. say that he must have come around the blind spot of the jeep by the side of the garage and tripped and rolled down the drive and that is why I didn't see him. All I know is that now we are a family of three and I can never take away the memories that happened to my daughter that day and for that I would do anything. My husband was at work and came right over .He traveled to the hospital and had to say yes that it was Benn and do the paperwork. I have put my family through so much for the reason that for once I didn't want to give in to a precious little boy and give him an airplane ride across the yard into his booster seat. I hope I did not ramble that this story came out right I have only told it a few times and this took quite a bit to do. Please,what I want people to remember about Benny is what happened one day in the grocery store. He was smiling at ALL the girls/ checkout ladies and then he said in a stage whisper'Momma? Does she know me?" Well now Benny they know you,now they do. Love always,Bennysmommy,LIS

Oh my gosh. I can imagine that was a hard story to tell. My heart goes out to you and your family. I know what you mean by not being able to take the memories away from your daughter. In our car accident Ayden saw Brandon laying in the ditch. The next morning he woke up and looked lost and said "Mommy you broke Brandon". We had company already and I just wanted to cry my eyes out. I felt so awful. I still do. The guilt. Doesn't matter that the police and everyone said that it was freak and not my fault. I still feel guilty as I imagine so do you. On one hand I can't imagine having to look him in the eye and hold his hand while he left. But on the other hand I wish I was given that. It is never easy. I hope your daughter is coping ok. I know Ayden talks about it a lot very matter of factly. I have tried to take advantage of his younger age and tried to tell him an angel swooped in and took Brandon before he was hurt. He says that now. I don't know if that is right but I would rather him hold on to that idea than the truth. For so long he kept asking when we were going to pick him up from the doctor's. He still has low moments when he wants someone to play with. It breaks my heart.

Benny sounds so cute! Like he always had the cutest thing to say. You would have to give him an extra pancake when he is that cute. Please don't hold on to the guilt of not giving him his airplane ride. We can't do these things all the time. Mommy's do wear out. If you were to know the consequences of course you would have done it. We don't know the future. I keep saying if I had of stayed home he would still be here. I even had a premonition of the accident. So that makes me really feel bad cause I should have listened better. I do hold a firm belief though that we don't go till it is our time. God will take us whatever way necessary. It is hard for us with the broken family after though. How old was your daughter? I am sorry. You don't need to read my rambling. Your story just made me cry. I know the horror you felt.

He sounds like a beautiful angel. And I know he wants his mommy to be happy in this life. The day will come that you will be able to spend eternity with both your angels. (((HUGS)))

Dear Lis,

I am just read your story and it just tears at my heart. I know how difficult that must have been for both you and your little daughter. I also wish we could foresee the future, because if we could Andy would be here today as well. After Andy died I carried a lot of guilt for the longest time. The Thursday before Andy died his brother James came into the house carrying Andy's pack sack, and when I asked him how come he was carrying the pack sack he told me it was because Andy was leaving it laying around the park and he was afraid someone would take it and Andy would lose his school books. I then asked why Andy wasn't carrying his own pack sack and James' reply was that Andy was hanging out with some of their friends at the park and was unaware that James had the pack sack. Something about James' answers didn't seem to ring true to me because James normally didn't take care of Andy's stuff. They were brothers, but like brothers they didn't babysit each other in that way and I knew that. But, because I was talking to James and Andy's dad (my son) I didn't pursue with the questioning. To this day I regret not continuing questioning James about that darn pack sack. I believe had I started pressuring him he would have told me that Andy was vomiting and I would have wanted to know why Andy was vomiting which I believe would have changed the whole scenario that night. After Andy and James came in to go to bed I spoke with Andy downstairs and I was no more then a foot away from him, and there was nothing that I could see that gave me any indication that there was a problem. Yet, even after we were all in bed for the night, something was telling me I should go check on them, but I didn't because I didn't want them to think I was treating them like babies, or that I was turning into an over-protective grandma. Again, I regret not going to check on them. Had I gone I think I would have realized that something was wrong because James told me that Andy was almost asleep before I even made it up the stairs. No one, especially a teenager, falls asleep that fast and if I would have seen that it would have definitely been an indication that they had taken something. The problem is I know all of this now, but I didn't know it then. Just like you, you know the circumstances now, but you didn't know it then. You were being a normal mom. Like Susan said, had you known what was about to happen Benny he would have gotten that airplane ride to his booster seat in the car. Had you known what would have happened you never would have started the car. So, you can't blame yourself, it was an terrible, unfortunate accident. I also believe that your precious little son, being as happy as you say he was, would want you to be happy. I found this poem that I thought was so nice and it brought me comfort when I read it. I don't know if you've ever read it or not but I've posted it here for you to read in case you have not seen it before. I hope it bring you as much comfort as it brought me.

Hugs....Shannon

To my dearest family, some things I’d like to say
But first of all, to let you, that I arrived OK.
I’m writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there’s no more tears of sadness; Here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I’m out of sight
Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through.
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, “I welcome you.”

“It’s good to have you back again, you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, They’ll be here later on.
I need you here so badly, you are part of my plan.
There is so much that we can do, to help our mortal man”

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night the day’s chores put to flight
God and I are closest to you…in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years.
Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
If I were to tell you, you wouldn’t understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is over.
I’m closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
But together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I’d like it for you too;
That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who is in sorrow and in pain;
Then you can say to God at night….”My day was not in vain.
And now I am contented…that my life was worthwhile.
Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile.”

So if you meet somebody who is sad and low,
Just lend a hand to pick them up, as on your way you go.
When you’re walking down the street and you’ve got me on your mind;
I’m walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it’s time for you to go…from that body to be free.
Remember you’re not going…you’re coming here with me. <o:p></o:p>

Author Unknown

Dear Lis....Everytime I read your story of how you lost your precious Benny, it tears at my heart. I know that must have been the most horrible day of your life. How awful for you and your precious Caroline. I know that this was a hard story for you to post so that we can get to know you and your angel. Thank you for opening your heart to us. May God hold you and your Caroline real tight.

Love and hugs....Rean

sometimes I can do it sometimes I can't. If telling Benny's story will help someone else then I will tell it forever. I think that is why I am trying so hard to get the KidsAndCars bill passed so these big car companies have to take as much responsibility that all of us parents take every day. They should be held accountable. If they want us to buy the minivans and suvs etc for our families then they should be made SAFER. Sorry, Benny's accident just some times makes me soo angry. Then I feel bad like right after, because he didn't like to see me mad ,or sad and would always try to cheer me up with some thing goofy. HENCE, his nickname[one of them] of GOOFY GUS. thanks Rean for making me seem a better person than sometimes I feel. Peace..... LIS

I am so, so, so sorry to hear of your loss of your sweet Benji. I cant imagine what you are going through. Know that he is holding his brothers hand and they are both looking down on you now smiling. Feel their love and know that they will always be with you.

Hi Lis I am new to this site and as I read your story my heart breaks for you I am so so sorry for you loss of Benny he is in heaven now and he looks down at you everyday and loves you very much.I also have a Benjamin but we called him Benji and as got to be older he was called Benn with a double n cause his dad went by Ben it is such a strong name so my Benji and your benny are in heaven now and I am sure he sits with my Benji.And please do say you killed him that made me cry you did not mean to do that it was an accident.Never ever blame or shame yourself ok we come to this earth school to learn lesson and when we are done we are called home so young some old some inbetween but we all leave Benny just left sooner than one would hope but we need baby angels too they are the rainbow in heaven no pot of gold as in money at the end of a rainbow but sweet angels coloring so that we know one day we shall see them again when we reach the end of the rainbow.

Whispy(Susan)

Important Announcement The MSN Groups service will close in February 2009. You can move your group to Multiply, MSN’s partner for online groups. Learn More
Child Loss -- Greiving with the family	[email protected]