Make effective use of "The Look.�?/DIV>
If you are a submissive person, learn assertive skills.
Don't hesitate to say “No�? with no explanations. "That's my decision" is sufficient explanation. Practice saying "No" until you can say it as easily as 'good morning.' It can be done nicely being assertive, not aggressive. If you are not used to speaking like this you'll be glad to know you only need to rehearse it.
Expect him to try to wear you down in creative ways. Enjoy the show.
If ‘correction�?is needed, try the sandwich approach. Praise, followed by a gentle corrective statement, followed by praise for past good performance. In public, acknowledge good performance �?most effective when done in front of an audience.
Anticipate his many possible reactions. Be prepared with countermeasures. Suggested responses: "I need to think about that." "I'm sorry you feel that way" "yes/no" "What is your question for me?" "You need to discuss this later when you aren't angry." "That must be frustrating for you."
Keep your sense of humour and perspective. Expect immature behaviour.
Involve police at every indication of danger or violation of your rights
Never ask him for anything, never offer or do anything for him, and never accept anything offered. Make them ask and say 'no'. That's our secret weapon.
Abusers are clever actors, appear pitiful and in need of help, and the gullible fall for this. Don't feel sorry or pity him - he's amazingly self sufficient.
Don't be ambushed by an abuser's demands for a response.
Getting the silent treatment? “Let me know when you feel like talking." Act like no big deal. Expect childish behaviour.
In negotiations, state something he must do first before you do your part
Prize your financial and emotional independence. Make it your goal
Alert friends, neighbors/employer that you are having difficulty ending a relationship, adding that your abuser may try to harass or contact you through them
Why be involved with an abuser at all? There's a guaranteed poor outcome. Who wants to live with endless chaos, continual verbal armwrestling and soul-destroying putdowns and criticism? Life’s too short
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
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Why engage in battle with the mentally disordered at all? Exposing their defence mechanisms is dangerous. He will protect those viciously. The best strategy is to get him out of your life, and you out of his. Do you allow him to treat you badly and then complain when he does? Remaining in contact will only make you look crazy.
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Know why you are his target
-If you are emotionally vulnerable or easily intimidated, use others to have contact. Another male works best with misogynistic abusers or, someone he won’t want to appear cheap or nasty in front of
-Deal with him in public where he’ll perform for his audience.
-Recognize evasiveness or a silent treatment is a verbal baiting trap set for you.
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Use recording/documenting/witnesses at every opportunity
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If he wants to do a divorce deal 'to save money' - refuse! The cost of doing so will be enormous. Let the lawyer/accountant deal with him.
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If engagement is unavoidable, use the following weapons only
- Mirroring �?act like he does. Let him see how he looks. Refuse to bargain or negotiate. Don’t argue with crazy people.
- Let at least 48 hrs. go by before responding. We get amazing clarity in that time.
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Instruct him regarding what you expect. Provide precise details - he won't know otherwise.
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Knock off the emotional stuff to level the playing field. NPs target emotional people, but find emotions scary. Keep that out of discussions.
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Mentally devalueing/discarding abuser will give you a good mental edge.
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Self impose No Contact. Use the ‘Power of Silence�?
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Silence is golden. To get a reaction, your abuser will make bizarre comments or questions then wait until you speak. Don't fill the gapping hole of silence in the conversation. Your silence is more effective.
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Always be on mental red-alert when dealing with an abuser or don't deal with him at all.
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Exchange the bare minimum information required in a custody agreement.
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Hang up if he phones, don't answer the door, let other people know your need for protection, ask their help. Call the police 1000 times if needed. Recognize intimidation and bluffing tactics. Expect any attempts at discussion and reasoning with the Psychopath/Narcissist to fail.
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Give him enough rope and he may provide you with the opportunity to record abuse. Courtroom-needed proof of abuse is worth the wait. Be prepared - he won't give you a 2nd chance
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Holiday Contact? Keep a sense of humor and minimize contact.
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Be alert for attempts to bait you - it's an abuser's most effective weapon. It is essential for us to maintain self control, no contact and never abuse our abusers and find personal accountability for our own behaviour.
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LIVE THIS WAY?
ESSENTIAL READS:
3 Pages (see left hand side) Verbal Boundaries
Verbal Manipulation - Bullyproof Yourself
Coping Tips from NAMI
Dr. Vaknin's COPING TOOLKITS
Coping With Your Abuser
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html
Abuse Recognition and Management
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse.html
How to Handle Narcissists by Dr. Martha Beck
http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200308/omag_200308_beck_d.jhtml
Coping Tips
http://survivorquotes.bravehost.com/tips.html
More Coping Tips
Dynamics of Spousal Abuse Series
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily.html
FIVE DON'Ts and TEN DO'S coping with Ns
http://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html
"I said No effectively. All I got was the infamous N rage every time I put my foot down. It is no way to live. You cannot reason with the N because they refuse to have any type of normal conversation. A relationship is supposed to be a reasonably fluid journey, not a situation where you are in 'shields up' mode all the time, and where you have to become the manipulative one. Not healthy at all. The only possible N relationship is NO N-relationship. Despite having no financial security, not even a roof of my own, I could not live in that marriage."
Narcissism Book of Quotes
http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewwork.asp?id=7246
We have used the male gender - your abuser may be female
