I live with the knowledge that the day will more than likely come that I will get the phone call that every parent dreads and I will in all probability have to bury my son. His choice of lifestyle almost guarantees this. I agonize over this and wonder ahead of time if I will ever be able to forgive myself for walking away from him. I worry if he's cold. I worry if he's hungry or sick. Sometimes the not knowing is worse than knowing. It's a catch-22 situation. If I do know that he is sick or in trouble my mother instincts are to contact him and try once again to help or somehow make it better. Common sense tells me that I cannot. I cannot open myself up to him ever again. He knows my weaknesses and as you all know would not hesitate to use them against me.

For years I lived with the verbal and emotional abuse. I have listened to him rant and rave against me saying things to me that no mother should ever have to hear from her child. He has told me that he can't wait for the day that I die. That he will spit on my grave. He has called me unspeakable names and physically threatened me. He has also written me heartbreaking letters of apology, promising that he was going to get his life together and make me proud of him. I have watched him cry real (or so I thought) tears because his life was so messed up. I have comforted him and I have loved him and I have forgiven him time and time again only to have him turn around and stab me in the heart when he didn't get the thing he wanted from me or hear the words he wanted to hear. He has cost me thousands of dollars. He has laughed in my face at my tears of hurt and mocked my sadness.

In the two years since he has been out of my life there has been so much sadness in my heart and a hole that will never completely close but there has also been a certain amount of peace as well. For the first time I can hear the phone ring and not dread answering it for fear that it will be him with another traumatic tale of how he's in trouble again and it's not his fault. How he quit his job because he was the only one doing any work and everybody was out to get him. How the current love of his life has broken up with him. How the car is broken down and he doesn't have the money to fix it and how can he work if he doesn't have a car. The list goes on and on. For the first time I can live my life without the utter chaos that he brings with him wherever he goes. I can try to enjoy a Christmas without the underlying tension that he brings into a room with him. Speaking of Christmas, he managed to spoil the last Christmas I had with my father before he died. I can only remember one Christmas that he didn't create a scene before the day was over.

I have said many times that in a way his death would be easier to accept. It would at least be a cleaner kind of grief because death is final. When you have a Psychopath in your life as long as they are alive they manage to taint your life either up close and personal or from a distance through other family members or friends. Even though he is physically distant he is never out of my thoughts.

I have read many of the posts here and I sympathize with all of you and I hope that none of you take offense at what I am about to say. The difference between being married or dating a Psychopath and parenting a Psychopath is both the same and so very different. The difference lies in your ability to divorce a spouse or break up with a lover. How do you divorce a child? How do you divorce a person you gave birth to and nurtured and loved with all your heart? How do you make other people understand why you can no longer see or keep in touch with that child? It goes against everything anyone has ever believed about being a parent. Your child is your child and that is a bond like no other. Please, please don't think that I am negating anyones pain. I'm not. I know that everyone who has posted here has done so for a reason and that reason is the pain that a Psychopath has caused them. I'm not saying my pain is worse than yours. Pain is pain. I'm just saying that the pain a mother feels when she knows that there is nothing she can do for her child is excruciating. I was once told by a psychiatrist that the best way I could deal with my son was to very lovingly, very gently and very firmly walk away. I have done this. It hurts.

If I can be of help to just one mother or father to feel that they are not alone and they are not the only parent who has a 'love/hate' relationship with their child then maybe this whole situation I found myself in will be easier to bear. It would be my wish to help parents understand that they are not responsible for what their child has become. It would also be my wish to help them on the road to forgiving themselves because there is so much guilt involved. Our children see to that. I would like to help another parent understand that it's alright to dislike their child to the point that it sometimes borders on hate even as you continue to love that child with every fiber in your body. I think that just by letting other parents know that they are not alone would go a long way toward accomplishing this. Sometimes just knowing that you're not alone is enough but I also understand that some people need more. They need a place to express their anger as well as their hurt and not be judged for their feelings. It's hard for the average parent to understand our feelings because after all, this is your child you're talking about and it just isn't natural to feel that way about your child. What I have had to learn to accept is that no, it isn't natural but we're not talking about an ordinary child either. I have had to learn that my child isn't normal and never will be and there is nothing I can do to fix it.

There's no medicine he can take. There's no therapy to make him better. He is a predator and that will never change. Finally and most importantly, to me anyway, I have learned that while I can never fix my child I can fix me. I can truly understand what a Psychopath is and through understanding I can better protect myself from this familiar stranger that I gave birth to. I can't change who he is or what he is but I can change how I react to him. I also understand that what works for me doesn't necessarily work for everyone. We all have to find our own way of dealing with these children. There is no right way or wrong way but there is a way. We just have to find it and hopefully with each others help we will."