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Coping with the Psychopath/Narcissist Child[email protected] 
  
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"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is
to have a thankless child!"
Shakespeare


A survivor's quote...

From a step-mother of three mentally ill/disordered daughters
“I wish I could offer you any encouragement with your loved one, but in the 11 years I've dealt with them in my life, I've only known grief, lies, distorted realities, schemes, police, chaos, courts. I often feel like they sit in the eye of a self-created tornado and watch their loved ones circling around in total chaos, and if the winds ever die down, they find a way to get them whirling again. I have always felt like they did this on purpose - like they were the most cunning people I've encountered to orchestrate all this turmoil but through this website, I've come to learn that I'm wrong and that there truly are deeper reasons an N acts out like they do. The key for you is to learn as much as you can as fast as you can, and protect yourself financially and emotionally. Not too many people survive the devastation of a tornado.�?


What to say to an Angry Child
http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut/parents2.htm


"You have to create some emotional distance between you and the person you're trying to help, and you've got to do it at the moment when he or she needs you most. If that's not one of the most annoying facts of life, I'd like to know what is."
Linda Richman, I'd Rather Laugh: How to be Happy When Life Has Other Plans for You
Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook

* * * * * * *

Advice from a professional psychiatric nurse.
“I am a psychiatric nurse and have often worked with this type of client [Narcissistic PD} on our admission unit. They are considered to be one of the most difficult to work with. As the discussion mentions at the base of this is poor self-esteem and an inability to accept consequences. How do we work with this type of client? Focus on the behaviors that are acceptable and not acceptable. Set limits. Family members should agree on what they are and be consistent. Set up consequences and work as a group.
It is strongly suggested that we do not ignore the behaviors for two reasons. Firstly, the person learns that there are not consequences for what he says or does. Secondly, this could lead to and "acting out" (act of verbal or physical aggression). These behaviors should be totally unacceptable and the family should make that clear. Set limits. Agree upon what is ok and not ok and all members should do the same thing. Example: Asking the person to leave, giving a firm "no" and ending the discussion. When the behaviors are neutral or even pleasant, point out that that time was positive. When they are not, point them out in a non-judgemental fashion and set the limit. The prognosis is poor for this type of personality disorder. Often these people are rejected and alone over time. Of course these are my thoughts and not everyone will agree with me.
Hope whatever I added gives some help."


Bi-Polar Disorder is one of the most difficult psychiatric and medical conditions to treat. The severity of manic, depressive and mixed states cannot be over emphasized. While obviously harmful to the patient, these conditions can be equally as damaging for their loved ones, sometimes more so.

Being firm and learning to say no (without explanation) seems to work when patients are manic and they can think faster than the physician or therapist.
The Canadian Journal of Diagnosis, Volume 20, No. 3, Spring, 2003
How Can I Help Patients, Dr. Chris Gorman, Assoc. Professor, Dept. of Psychiatry, University of Calgary


If I asked you what children need in order to be psychologically healthy, you would probably answer: love and attention. Of course, you would be right--love and attention are essential for every child. But, there is a third psychological need critical to the emotional well-being of children: "voice."
Giving Your Children Voice, Dr. Richard Grossman
http://www.voicelessness.com/parenting.html

Thoughts on Parent Management Training Parent Management training: Evidence, Outcomes, and Issues by Alan E. Kazdin, PhD
J. Am. Acad. Child Adolesc. Psychiatry 36:10 1349-1356.

Positive reinforcement is the key concept and consists of providing social (attention, praise) and sometimes token reinforcers (points or stars with backup value) for behaviour. Mild punishment is also used as a consequence (eg, brief time-out, loss of tokens or privileges), although for several reasons (eg deleterious side effects of punishment), these play a subservient role to positive reinforcement.
Characteristics of Treatment �?Treatment is conducted primarily with the parent(s) who implement several procedures at home. The parent(s) meet with a therapist, who teaches them to use specific procedures to alter interactions with their child, to promote prosocial behaviour, and to decrease deviant behaviour. Parents are trained to identify, define and observe problem behaviors in new ways. PMT has led to marked improvements in child behaviour on parent and teacher reports of deviant behaviour, direct observation of behaviour at home and at school, and institutional records (eg school truancy, police contacts, arrest rates, institutionalization).

Factors that Contribute to Treatment Outcome - Considerable attention has been devoted to identifying parent and family characteristics that contribute to outcome. Family socio-economic disadvantage, marital discord, high parental stress and low social support, single-parent families, harsh punishment practices, and parent history of antisocial behaviour predict (1) who remains in treatment; (2) the magnitude of change among those who complete treatment; and (3) the extent to which changes are maintained at followup. Those families at greatest risk often respond to treatment, but the magnitude of effects is attenuated as a function of the extent to which these factors are present. Among child characteristics, more severe and chronic antisocial behaviour and comorbidity predict reduced responsiveness to treatment.


The only thing you can do to prevent your son from emulating his father - is to present to him another role model of a NON-narcissist - YOU. Hopefully, when he grows up, he will prefer your model to his father's. But there is only that much you can do. You cannot control the developmental path of your son. Exerting unlimited control over your son is what narcissism is all about - and is exactly what you should avoid at all costs, however worried you might be.
How Can I Save My Child? By Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/4.html

Another parent's story...

It has been said that the narcissist favors family as his victims. This story is a prime example of how expendable family is when you have a grand sense of entitlement.
A Son's Treachery
A son should take over his father's business, right? After establishing a financially successful plumbing business 30 years ago, dad sold shares to his son. When the father left, they had a mediated, signed, legal agreement for the father's pension. The father was financially dependent on the pension. This was well known to his son.

Three weeks after the son acquired the final shares he repudiated the father's pension. By completely cutting him off he forced the father to sue his son. A year-long ugly legal battle ensued. Documents and statements from the son were lies. The father won a Judge's decision. The son appealed. The father faced a penniless 3 years and more appeals. A Judge's decision granted seizure of the assets of the business. The son transferred those assets to a new business, leaving dad nothing to seize.  Possibly facing fraud charges the son eventually settled and dad received less than half the original agreement.

During this time the son bad-mouthed his father to former customers, family, and anyone who would listen. We are left wondering when the son will again cut off his dad's pension and repeat the process. A month after the settlement, the 70 year-old father was hospitalized with heart disease. We look for justice in the legal system. There is none when a vindictive, ruthless, narcissist has the cheque book.
http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/abusestories.html


The only study I am aware of that examined genetics and narcissism suggested that 64% of the variation was accounted for by genetics (Livesley WJ, Jang KL, Jackson DN and Vernon PA, Am J Psychiatry 1993 150(12):1826-1831). Of course, studies using other measures of narcissism are necessary in order to confirm or modify this figure.  Nevertheless, narcissism and narcissistic responses to stress and trauma likely have significant genetic bases�?If our children experience voicelessness during childhood, the risk of narcissism (for those predisposed), depression, and anxiety rise commensurately later in life.  However, if we can find a way to give our children “voice�?and the implicit respect that goes with it, we can lessen the chance of a generalized narcissistic response to people and the world at large.
A Note About Narcissism and Genetics Dr. Richard Grossman
http://www.voicelessness.com/narcissismgenetics.html

A favourite tactic of the bully in the family is to set people against each other. The benefits to the bully are that:
a) the bully gains a great deal of gratification (a perverse form of satisfaction) from encouraging and provoking argument, quarrelling and hostility, and then from watching others engage in adversarial interaction and destructive conflict, and
b) the ensuing conflict ensures that people's attention is distracted and diverted away from the cause of the conflict.
Bullying in the Family
http://www.bullyonline.org/related/family.htm

I'm starting to read books about becoming a stepmother and they have a little section on how to deal with a PEW (psycho ex-wife). It basically said to keep my finances separate from my husband's and stay away as much as possible and keep in mind that when the children become adults, she will no longer have the same amount of control over them.
The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace (Paperback) by Sally Bjornsen. (quote from a member)


My advice to you is to immediately stop engaging in "unconditional love". Narcissists sense blood where others see only love and altruism. If �?for masochistic reasons, which are beyond me �?you still wish to engage this young person, my chief advice to you would be to condition your love. Sign a contract with him: you want my adoration, admiration, approval, warmth, you want my home and money available to you as an insurance policy? If you do �?these are my conditions. And if he says that he doesn't want to have anything to do with you anymore �?count your blessings and let go. Omar al-Khayyam, the famous Persian poet once wrote: when you want to have the bird �?set it free.
Adolescent Narcissist A Case Study FAQ #16 By: Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq16.html

 

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