I was a basket-case and right in the eye of the storm of the P when I was writing to you when you suggested counseling. I could not see the forest for the trees during that time, just like many other times through all of those years. I also was in my thinking mode of "He is the one who needs help - not me" and this was before the counseling. I now can look back and see the progress counseling has done for me. I was so lost and helpless feeling along with all of the other feelings that a person has who has a P in their life. This is one of the "Steps" I told you about. There are many, and they aren't named or numbered, they are each private to the survivor and each made by the survivor in his or her own situation. This came from my own experience, I didn't read it in a book. It is coming directly from me regarding my own situation and life as I see it and go through it. I am saying it as I look back on how desperate I was to get out of my life with the P, and the changes that happened after counseling.
I want to stress that I am by far from the place I want to be in my situation. I have a long way to go in counseling to get there, and I know I will. It is a very hard thing to do. I am only a few steps from where I was, and that is so very important to let someone know who hasn't taken any steps yet.
After 15 years of living hell with the step-son/P/S, I couldn't take it anymore. I was depressed, cried at inappropriate times, lost my temper, lost interest in everything but my life, missed work and the list goes on and on.
My husband and I tried everything we could think of during those 15 years to make things better. We did not know the step-son was a P until after I made that decision a couple of years ago to get him out of my life for good. I was at the point where I didn't want to leave the house not even to go out in the yard.
My husband and I got into a big argument over this, and I came out looking like the bad guy as usual. I had had enough.
During those 15 years, I was afraid I would lose my husband through divorce if I refused to let the P in our lives anymore. The P is his son. So I told myself that I am going to put this as my number one priority and do nothing else until I can come up with a solution or answer of some kind. We have a shed out behind our house that I keep my garden tools and crafts in. I stayed out there for 5 days except to come in the house to sleep at night. It took me 5 days to come to this decision. During those days, I did not comb my hair, brush my teeth, bathe, change my clothes, watch t.v.. listen to music or talk to my husband. I slept in the other bedroom those nights. On the 5th day, the answer came to me.
Once during those 15 years, I told my husband he had to make a choice between his son and me. He said I can't ask him to do that, and that he won't do it. I came to the conclusion that if the only way to get the PS out of my life is to get my husband out of my life and that would end my marriage, then that is what I would have to do. That's how bad I wanted out of this hell.
Since I can't ask my husband to make a choice, I decided to make that choice for myself and not for him. (I sat there for 4 days waiting for something to come to me, but nothing did. I almost thought this was going to be hopeless). This decision was very important to me and was going to change my life one way or another, so I had to make sure it was what I wanted plus I knew once I made the decision, I would not go back on it....not ever. I told my husband that I made a choice for myself and not for him. I want to cut all ties with his son. This means the son is not allowed in the 2 places I live which are our home and our business. I told him I was going to leave it up to him whether we stay married or not, and that would mean if he agreed with me or not. I told him I didn't care if he spent time with his son or went to his house for holidays or whatever - just keep him away from me. My husband agreed to it. The son hasn't spoken to him since.
The next day at our shop, the P came to the back door to talk to one of our employees. I went back and told him to leave and not come back. What he did after that is another story for another time. He hasn't been back since except to stalk and harass us outside in his vehicle. This has gone on for 2 years until I learned not to react to it. This is not the end of the story. It's only about my "decision". There are so many many things he has done to us, but that is in the past and I have to accept that it has happened and that there is nothing I can do about it now.
I don't dwell on this like I used to, because of the counseling I have been going to for it. I am more prepared though for future strikes from him. To read what I just wrote may sound easy or too easy to do for someone. It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, because the steaks were so high - I could lose everything including my husband. It is not easy. Nothing is easy when dealing with PS. I've been through hell during these past 2 years with the stalking and harassing and the police not believing me and you know the rest of what goes along with it. I have taken a step out of this hole by making that decision and another step by going to counseling and another for acting on the advise from my counselor. It truly is one step at a time in this manner of speaking. I look at it as 3 steps forward and not still where I was. Each step brought inner peace to me that I never knew existed. I feel for each and every person who has to deal with a monster like this. I can relate to what they say. I can only repeat it again - it is a very hard thing to do to take that first step and the ones after it are also hard. All you need to do is take one step and the rest will come with some work. I am aware that there are many other things to deal with, and I am going to have to face each and every one of them. I just didn't have the tools I needed that I learned from counseling. I'm rambling on. Better stop for now.
Our gratitude to our member for sharing her story.
