Coping with the Psychopath/Narcissist Child

Excerpts from Women Who Love Psychopaths
Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm
Authors: Sandra L. Brown, M.A. & Liane J. Leedom, M.D.
Health & Well-Being Publications, LLC
This book can be ordered from our websites at:
www.SafeRelationships.com or www.WomenWhoLovePsychopaths.com

Forum Managers' note: This issue is complex and we are space limited. We encourage you to pursue purchase of this book as it will help answer questions such as... Why does it take so long for some partners of Ns and Ps to end such relationships? How does competitiveness, sensitivity, relationship investment, impulsivity, sociability, trust, loyalty, extravagance, and temperament play a role in such relationships? What boxes get 'ticked' in my particular case? And, importantly, what can I do the next time a psychopath or narcissist casts his gaze in my direction?

A psychopath doesn’t enter a woman’s life announcing he is a power hungry, highly sexual man who is incapable of love! Psychopaths present themselves initially as loving, caring, affectionate men because they have learned that approach is the best way to assure themselves of power and sex. Just “who�?are the women who found their soul mates in deceitful psychopaths and why? What makes people “unaware�?of psychopaths? Who are the men that these women fell in love with and how do we know we really surveyed women who love psychopaths? To answer these questions we had to find a large group of women to survey. We surveyed women who found us through the web sites www.saferelationships.com, www.womenwholovepsychopaths. com, and other women’s and self-help web sites. More than 75 women who have had a long term relationship with a psychopath have responded so far and the survey is still ongoing (and will continue on as we proceed in researching these types of relationships).As I worked with these women I noticed that they all were remarkably similar in personality traits. The stories of their relationship dynamics were consistent and even the aftermath of their symptoms was identical! Finding nothing written about women who love psychopaths, I wondered if there was something to these “coincidences�?of similarity among them. I wanted answers to these questions:

1. Do the women who love psychopaths share a common “profile�?BR>2. Are there risk factors in women’s lives that contributed to them having relationships with psychopaths?
3. Are all the relationship dynamics with psychopaths the same?
4. Is there a general and predictable aftermath of symptoms when the relationship ends?
5. Can we use this information to develop Public Psychopathy Education for all people?

Next, I began to run ads asking for women to contact me with their stories. The flood I received showed me that the disorders of sociopathy, narcissism, and psychopathy are not that unusual.
From one of the ads I wrote, Dr. Liane J. Leedom, M.D. contacted me. Dr. Leedom is a psychiatrist who had her own personal experience with a psychopath whom she married and who viciously destroyed her life.
Working together, she and I developed the Women Who Love Psychopaths research survey which has now been given to over 75 women worldwide. This intensive survey collected data and stories about women’s histories, symptoms, and temperament traits. This book is the result of that study, what we have learned about the women, the unique relationship dynamics, and the symptoms that result from the aftermath of a relationship with a psychopath

So what will this book teach you?
Learn about the role of intense attachments, fear, and sex in relationships with psychopaths. Answer the age-old question—do psychopaths have attachment and bonding? The answer is not what you think! Understand those “crazy-making�?relationship dynamics that are only seen in pathological love relationships. Is there really “something�?behind how a psychopath lures? And what about that “hypnotic stare�?he uses that melts and freezes at the same time? Learn the fascinating truth about how a woman’s personality strengths and weaknesses may be a great match for the strengths and weaknesses of a psychopath. It is our hope that this book will help the psychopath’s victims understand their unique at-risk status and learn how to safeguard themselves from other predators.

WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS
Not Just Your Ordinary Killer

Aren’t all psychopaths simply serial killers or criminals? No, there are many ways to harm others without actually killing them. Some psychopaths are con men or white collar swindlers that steal stock pensions and never get caught. There are millions of pathological personalities that destroy people’s lives (with or without breaking the law), but never go to prison. They are successful; the ones most likely to be seen in high ranking CEO positions, politics, and prestigious positions in law, medicine, and the military. How many psychopaths and sociopaths are out there? Those who aren’t in prison are largely overlooked and so go uncounted. They are roaming freely in your city, sitting next to you in class, and working at your company. Three to four percent of the population or possibly 8 million individuals (6 million men and 2 million women) in the U.S. are “sociopathic enough�?to deserve the title of sociopath!

So why do women end up with psychopaths? Many begin relationships with the psychopath at a time when they are impaired from grief, loss, stress, anxiety, or depression. These risk factors made definite contributions to the women’s susceptibility, however they were not the only factors. Loneliness makes women vulnerable, and predators know this. Many of the personal stories of the women revolved around elevated loneliness at the time they met the psychopath. It can’t be emphasized enough that emotional and social needs are key factors in psychopathic hook-ups.

People who are high in excitement seeking hate monotony. One thing is for sure in the psychopath’s women; just like they do not like a boring life, they do not like boring men. And as we know, psychopaths are anything but boring. It takes a strong woman who wants to grab life and run with it, to find extraversion in a man non-threatening and even exciting!

Women continually ask, “I’m so strong—why would I tolerate this?�?Or “How could someone like me end up in a relationship like this?�?

Attraction is often subconscious and feels almost “driven.�?If she is attracted to dominant, excitement seeking, extraverted men, then that’s her “bent.�?However, by nature of “who�?she is attracted to, she will always be fishing in the “pathology�?pond because psychopaths are always dominant, excitement seeking, extraverted who she finds attractive!

Not all dominant men are psychopaths, but ALL psychopaths are dominant. If she likes dominant men, she’ll be more at-risk for hooking up with a psychopath than a woman who does not find dominant men attractive. She needs to understand this as an “attraction risk factor�?for her, dating dominant extraverted men, puts her at risk for ending up with a psychopath.

This free spirit part of her that accepts life as it is, also has the capacity for accepting the lack of order and routine that is in a psychopath’s life. These women can easily tolerate the chaos caused by his way of life and the roller coaster of the inevitable ups and downs. It takes them awhile with the psychopath before they tire of the lack of order and the constant chaos. Competitiveness as a risk factor. As wonderful as competitiveness is in regular life, her competitiveness however, is a downfall in the relationship with the psychopath. This is because as the relationship begins to become pathologically-driven and his crazy-making increases, instead of running for the hills she is likely to stay and battle it out. She’s not afraid to try to make a point and certainly doesn’t want him to “get one over on her.�?/STRONG>

Women who are sentimental are high in positive sociability. They are likely to focus on the sweet things of the relationship, remembering the time he brought flowers, was kind to a child or dog, or did something extraordinary on their anniversary. Their ability to hyper-focus on the sentimental aspects of the relationship helps the psychopath camouflage his many blunders.

Women who are not motivated to please others in relationships, and are not high in relationship investment (Don’t we call these women “Princesses?�? wouldn’t last two minutes with a psychopath. He wouldn’t want her! Divas and psychopaths don’t mix. Understanding that the psychopath’s power and dominance needs are largely met through relationship investment dynamics, helps women to understand why this trait is a risk factor in the hands of a psychopath.

Her sensitivity to the needs of others, makes her the tenderhearted person that she is. But in a relationship with a psychopath she is likely to over-sympathize with the psychopath’s sad story of woe.

Out of the 75 women we surveyed, only two seemed to have major personality pathology!

To say, “he wears me out�?is absolutely true. Psychopaths are notorious for their persistence. The more he wears her out emotionally, the less able she is to deal with his confusing and contradictory behaviors. In spite of her exhaustion, she wants to keep the relationship, so she does what he wants, to buy peace at any cost. She has no idea this behavior is costing her everything.

Empathy as a risk factor
Empathy has made her a sensitive partner, a good listener, and a target for psychopaths. She has more empathy than 97% of everyone else, so she can put herself in a psychopath’s shoes with genuine concern. Her empathy is like a drug that the psychopath uses to feed his need for power and dominance. Although she may not realize it, the psychopath doesn’t need her empathy, but uses it to maintain power over her emotions and dominance over the relationship. This could be said for any of her temperament or character traits—they are all tools and weapons in the hand of a psychopath. Just what can too much empathy do in the hands of a psychopath? It can keep her tied to the relationship way past the point of sanity.

The obvious question is, “If she’s empathic why didn’t she know what she was feeling from the psychopath was fake?�?As strong as her quality is as a genuine empath, it is no match for the con artist psychopath. The ability to make an empathic feel strongly about his false stories is probably no more shocking than how psychopaths con psychiatrists and other forensic professionals who are supposed to know what psychopathic behavior is all about. Unfortunately, the psychopath is “smarter than we are empathic�?and he can abuse absolutely any positive trait that will benefit the con he is involved in.

Along with very high scores in empathy, the women scored high in tolerance. Tolerance is the ability to recognize and respect the beliefs or practices of others. It is also related to the ability to endure hardship or pain.
Universally, we found that women who have ended up in relationships with psychopaths or other pathological-types, are women who have very high degrees of trust. However, we would define the kind of trust the women have as “blind trust.�?/P>Because of her loyalty, intense attachments, and hearty tolerance, the psychopath soon realizes he can count on her devotion to stand with him in the face of great odds. The psychopath realizes even when he is unfaithful, is caught lying, or in other acts of deceit, her loyalty is the consistency he can count on. Her loyalty to a psychopath is treacherous for her own emotional health and is likely to be a contributing factor to the pain she feels today.