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New Message on Coping with the Psychopath/Narcissist Child

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From: themom
Message 1 in Discussion


I am new to this forum, and I am at my wits end.  I have a 12 1/2 year old son, 
whose father is a classic NPD/Psychopathic personality - I realized this too 
late, obviously.  I left him(with my child) just before my son's 3rd birthday.He 
has always been "spirited" and  I had a few behavior problems with him when he 
was younger, but I guess I sort of chalked it up to the stress we went through 
when I left his father and had to live in a shelter for a few months. His 
"spiritedness" never went away, but we were able to get through the serious 
behavior problems as he got older.  Kindergarten was tough, and he was tested 
for ADHD, etc at that point.  They determined that although he was energetic, he 
did not have ADHD, and could not really figure out what the deal was with him. 
He got through the serious behavior problems in grade school, and he was very 
well liked by the staff by the time he finished grade school.
 
I will admit that I have not been as harsh of a disciplinarian that perhaps I 
should have been.  Most people tell me I am way too easy.  I let a lot of little 
things go because I knew if I didn't pick my battles, everything would turn into 
a war.  So, I saved the punishments and discipline for things that I considered 
to be warranted of it.  I guess I felt if I didn't pick my battles, my son would 
hate me because I would always be punishing him, and never just enjoying him and 
loving him.  He very quickly learned how to push the boundaries and push my 
buttons.
 
As he has gotten older, he has gotten manipulative and argumentative to the 
point where I have to physically force him to do things.  For example, the other 
night, I told him to take a shower, and it turned into an hour long battle, 
complete with me picking him up and carrying him to the bathroom at least twice 
(mind you he is TWELVE and I am only 4'11).  The entire time he is yelling, 
kicking, screaming at the top of his lungs, calling me names, throwing things at 
me, and threatening to call 911 on ME if I touch him. He wanted to eat (he had 
dinner a half hour before) and watch a movie, I told him he could do that when 
he was done with his shower. He finally grabbed an apple from the kitchen and 
went into the bathroom saying - "I'm gonna eat, now was that so hard??" My 
roommate (who was hiding in the other room during the fiasco) told me after the 
fight, my son was sitting in the bathroom literally laughing at me.  His laugh 
is another thing, it's almost demonic, and he will laugh uncontrollably, and 
very loudly, at inappropriate times.
 
 The greatest punishment for him is if I take away his cell phone - which is his 
greatest obsession, but when I try, I have to physically wrestle him to get it 
from him. Then he will act loving and kind and respectful - until he gets it 
back. But, if he doesn't get it back when I say he will (if I say I'm taking it, 
we argue until I give him a definate date that he will get it back if he 
behaves), then all hell breaks loose again. Everytime I try to tell him to do 
something, he tries to contridict me, argue with me, and manipulate my words to 
make it sound like I am the bad person.  In the above fight, he is still 
convinced that I was wrong, because I wouldn't let him eat.  Every day I tell 
him the same things (pick up the living room, take out the trash, do your 
homework), and it just goes nowhere except straight to hell. He will say "not 
right now, or I don't want to", and if I push the issue, threaten to take away 
his phone or his game, then we get into a full blown fight, which he always 
laughs about in the end.  He is very well mannered for everybody else - his 
friends mothers all adore him, and tell me how helpful and respectful he is when 
he is at their house. He is popular and doing well at school, and has a ton of 
friends.
 
Obviously, sending him to his father is not an option - his dad would probably 
say "he is better than everyone else, just get the hell out of his way, and let 
him do what he needs to do."  I am a single parent, and unfortunately, he really 
hasn't had a good strong male role model in his life.  I'm sure that is part of 
the problem, and my fault for being too picky, and not wanting to have another 
bad relationship.
 
I really don't know what to do.  Everything about dealing with an NPD/Psychopath 
says "run away quickly and never look back." And I've read that NPD/Psychopathic 
disorders can't be effectively treated. That's fine for an adult relationship, 
But, I can't just give up hope on my child.
 
Has anybody else had to deal with this?



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