Got a teen who ignores curfew? Who's underachieving at school? Who's crabby 24/7? If you have a question about parenting teens, clinical psychologist and parenting author Anthony E. Wolf would like to help. Send your questions to [email protected] to get Dr. Wolf's expert advice. Your question may be featured in his advice column, which appears every two weeks in the print edition of Globe Life. (Your name will not be published.)
Dear Dr. Wolf,
My 14-year-old daughter is only nice to me and my husband when she wants something, especially money for clothes. If I ask her to help around the house, she walks away. She either rolls her eyes at everything I say, or tells me that what I said was "stupid." She has everything she needs, but she is miserable around the house.
Otherwise, she is bright, energetic and fun. She adores her older brothers. She is always super nice to her friends. So I can't help but feel offended by her treatment of us.
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I have tried grounding her, denying her privileges, trying to discuss her feelings, empathizing with her, but nothing works. Her rudeness is bringing me down and creating an unhappy atmosphere in the house.
I don't know if I can survive her teenage years!
- Mother of Brat
Dear Mother of Brat,
Here's the good news: From what you say about your daughter - she's bright and sociable, she gets along with her siblings - the odds are that by the time she finishes high school, your relationship will be a lot more harmonious. She'll start being nice to you. She'll probably go out into the world and become a nice adult. Adolescence is often an unpleasant stage, but the vast majority of children grow out of it.
The bad news: There may still be a lot of time between now and then.
But there's an approach to her rudeness that will help you survive the rougher patch. It lies in how you respond to her negativity.
You have been responding to her unpleasantness by picking up on it and trying to change it. That hasn't worked. All you're doing is entering and becoming a part of her unpleasant world. Your daughter is setting the negative tone. Anything you say in response to her negativity - anything - just supplies her with set-up words she can respond to with more negativity.
The alternative is choosing not to participate in the unpleasantness. Instead, you set the tone. You write the script, or at least your half. I have written before about "competing melodies" - being cheerful in response to your teen's crabbiness. That is only part of a basic attitude that can make a big difference. But it takes practice.
How does that script go?
"Becky, didn't you think the chocolate doughnuts were especially good?"
"Mother, that is so stupid. Chocolate doughnuts are chocolate doughnuts."
You might say something like: "I was just trying to make pleasant conversation. Why do you have to criticize everything I say?"
But that will only yield: "I don't criticize everything you say, just stuff that's stupid. Like what you just said."
Instead, try this: "Well, I thought they were good."
You're not hurt or offended, nor defensive or critical. You're not picking up on the brattiness. You're matter-of-fact, responding to her words, not the tone. You're giving her very little room to come back at you with more negative, combative comments. With nothing to feed off, her negative responses won't disappear, but they will lessen. You've taken the wind out of her sails.
Another example, this time at the dinner table:
"This is disgusting."
A normal parent response might be: "Why don't you just hold your complaints to yourself."
But that will probably get: "Because it's disgusting and you should know it, so you'll never make it again."
"How about I don't cook for you - ever."
"Fine, how about I don't live here - ever."
Far better: "Oh, I'm sorry you think so." And that's it.
"Well, it is disgusting." But your daughter, with little to respond to, is already starting to run out of steam.
This strategy is effective in all kinds of scenarios.
"Becky."
"What!" (On a nasty, loud, aggravated note.)
"Don't forget we're going over to your grandmother's this evening." Straightforward answer, no attention to tone.
Or: "You said you were going to buy me yogurt." (On a whiny, aggrieved note.)
"Oh, I'm sorry, maybe I did. I'll try and remember next time."
"But what am I supposed to do? I wanted a yogurt now!"
"I don't know. I'm sorry I didn't get you the yogurts."
Or: "Where were you, Mom? I've been waiting 10 minutes to get a drive to Jessica's house." (On a challenging, petulant note.)
"Oh, sorry, dear. I ran late."
"But you were supposed to be here 10 minutes ago."
"Yeah, I was. I said I was going to be here sooner. Sorry, dear."
Simple. Matter of fact. You're responding to her words, but not the attitude. The result - and you get better at it as time goes on - is that you're controlling the tone, not your child.
But if you respond this way, how will they learn that they are acting like a jerk, how will they learn that it is wrong?
The way all kids do. Becky already knows it's wrong. She has received and will continue to receive her moral system from you and your husband, taking her cues from how you have dealt with her and others over the course of her childhood. It's just that for now you get the temporarily babyish jerk.
As I said, this will not eliminate the brattiness. The big deal, however, and this is what makes the difference over time, is that you feel better. You feel more in control.
It takes practice, but it works.
Clinical psychologist Anthony E. Wolf is the author of six parenting books, including Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager.
Got a teen who ignores curfew? Who's underachieving at school? Who's crabby 24/7? If you have a question about parenting teens, clinical psychologist and parenting author Anthony E. Wolf would like to help. Send your questions to [email protected] to get Dr. Wolf's expert advice. Your question may be featured in his advice column, which appears every two weeks in the print edition of Globe Life. (Your name will not be published.)
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