I come from a family of four (daughters) from the North of England, Gt Britain; I believe my mother to be a N. My father was a very good man and loving, but we were always afraid of my mother and her moods; she wasn't loving and she was very self-centred. I always tried to please her and look for recognition, but was rejected a lot, and I stammered; I  had an inferiority complex and was nervous and shy. She told me she had tried to abort us ( I am one of a twin), and she often hit us.

As I got older I managed to work abroad (The Netherlands) and after a few years met my x-husband, an english teacher; he was nice and we had a reasonable marriage though I often felt lonely in it. I worked full time and he worked from home in between careers, so he looked after the kids for a period of 10 yrs . When my son was 9 yrs old he was diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder (PDD-NOS),  so I started reading on the net about it. I came across info on adults who have it (Workshop for partners - T. Attwood); the things I read were exactly what I thought my ex was like, a bit of a control freak. My ex was controlling in other ways thouguh, it made me see the light: I noted down endless things such as:

- not allowed to go out in the same colour coats

- not allowed to open the milk carton, because I couldn't open it   properly

- not allowed, to sing or hum

- not allowed to shuffle my feet

- not allowed to touch him by accident in bed (we had 2 singles next to eachother)

- 11 o'clock is my bedtime

He put me down in front of the children and complained about everybody, neighbours etc. and women in particular, so I reckon he is a mysognist.

When I started noticing his behaviour, and realising that is just might not be me, I began to stand up for myself. He said on my tombnstone should be written, 'good - but not good enough' He would laugh at things I had done,photos taken stupidly etc. and the kids used to listen and imitate him. He didn't like my friends and refused to come to after drinks at the orchestra I play in. I made the big mistake of whispering 'if you don't then no sex for some time'; from then on there was tension and he became a bit of a pyscho  - threatening me in a sarcastic way, slicing a melon in two (supposedly my head), in  the woods he would say are you frightened. He made me feel scared, and  come to think of it, I have always been scared to stand up for myself, because I have had the occasional push or shove. Months passed since the remark I made, I did apoligise for it, but it seemed to have been a turning point in my life. I don't know how I had the strength to say it, but in a way am glad I did.

The atmosphere was tense and it eventually resulted in him physically abusing me on the day of the twin tower disaster (Sep 11 01); the reason was because I had bought chicken already breadcrumbed, and he said that it was not chicken but fish After telling him not to be pathetic he got really angry (he gets in a rage with words such as : pathetic, idiot etc. and I am usually scared to use them, though he does to me); he started again saying the same thing and the kids did so to. I repeated the word pathetic and he went for me, punching me and telling me he was going to kill me; he pushed me out of the front door. The kids 15 and 18 yrs old, ran after me, and I went to the next door neighbour who called the police. He was taken away for questioning and brought home; he said that I HAD HURT HIM; (strange thing this, but he cleaned the kitchen and floor etc. just after he had physically abused me).

Because of his lack of empathy and controlling manner, I thought my ex may also be slightly autistic (there are similarities); he said sorry and wanted another chance; I said on the condition that he has a diagnosis. He was diagnosed with NPD (even corrected the wording on questionnaires) after many interviews and questionnaires. I gave him another chance, but he continued controlling me - no singing etc. and I was strong enough by then to tell him I was going to divorce him (after 27 yrs of marriage). He pleaded, but I stuck to it, and prayed for help; I had no one to help me (my own family are in Australia) only my faith. I didn't practice my faith because my ex used to make fun of it, with disrespectful remarks. I read Dr Phils books in the middle of the night : Relationship Rescue, Self-Matters, and prayed downstairs until 3 in the morning.

He moved out (he didn't want to go and wanted the kids and the house), my prayers had been answered.  I felt liberated. No more walking on eggshells, I honestly felt free, people said I looked so different and so well and happy.  But ........... there is always a but,

my 20 yr olddaughter, has taken on where he has left off.

She is moody, manipulative, wants attention, and has no empathy at all. She doesn't communicate. She is very Jekyll and Hyde like, and makes me shiver. A lot of her behaviour probably has been learn from the master - her father - she was alright about the split up, but a year after that she didn't speak to me for two years, put me down, said I wasn't intelligent, did not do anything for me when I was laid up with a bad back and couldn't walk. She like to be waited on hand and foot, and does not want to do anything; though I have now said she has to clean her own room. She is at Uni and I want her to get her own room; but she is recultant to do so. I reckon I will have to give a time line now, because I can't take her attitude any more. Some say she is just a regular teenager, but I don't think so. She is also depressed, feels insecure and has ideas of self-harm.

Do any of you know what I can do ; someone mentioned Dr Phil commando parenting - how do I go about it. I am afraid though if I do make her leave, she may do something to herself then I would blame myself.

My son, albeit slightly autistic, is very loving and caring, and communicates .My daughter is jealous and says he gets it easier, but believe me I have tried with her, tried to talk, make her listen, even given her a letter. I have had sleepless nights, felt nervous, felt ill, and I now think it is time for me really to put my foot down and make her go.

Thanks, Maggie