my son was born mad at the world. he came into the world raging (all the nurses @ the hospital thought it was cute)  he had colick, cried alot. i hear this too is common.  first word was cookie. second word was NO, first sentence was "Don't look at me!!!"  when ever we were at a store and some innocent person showed interest in him (you know, ---"WELL  now, aren't you cute!") he would scream "DON"T YOOK AT ME!!!" and hide his face in my shoulder.  seemed to be a mamma boy early on. i was the only person he trusted, wouldn't go anywhere with anyone else. i know now that his attachment to me was only because as a youngster he desperately NEEDED me. that ended soon enough. he had speach therapy in school. was tested for learning disorders and none found. finally, they determined that he actually had a rather HIGH I.Q., just chose not to do the work, because he didn't feel like it. this was a running theme in his life, as well as in his death. my son, began an early career in lieing and stealing. he began drugs as a teen and became abusive to his sisters. we tried therapy---he usually completely snowed the therapists.  in the army, following a suicide attempt, he was finally diagnosed as antisocial,as well as terettes, and o.c.d.  i already knew these things. i had finished nursing school and become a psych nurse when he was 18. i had seen similar behaviors in his father years earlier. my son went on to commit armed robbery. i didn't bail him out. for once i knew where he was and maybe he would finally get help. i visited him, they had him in solitary at the time for fighting over a cot, he didn't even know if it was day or night, let alone what day it was, he was psychotic.  i cried half way to florida seeing him like that and not being able to even tough him let alone hug him and help him. he was still my child he was confused, born into a world he didn't comprehend, and never would no matter how hard he tried. like a child born without sight, my child was born without concience.  i tried to get him to get help. when he got out he went off  med.'s and avoided me, hated me for knowing the truth about him. he married a BPD girl and they had a baby. then he killed himself and left us to pick up the pieces. his baby was born mad at the world. she had colick. she wont let anyone kiss or hold her. she is the most manipulative 3y.o i have ever known (and i knew a few fr. working the childrens unit in psych.). i don't see her now. i can't deal with her BPD mother anymore. i can't "go there" again with another child. not even my grandchild. it hurts too much.  i feel like it is over, the journey, for me and i wont go back. i don't even work psych anymore. i am continueing to raise my three girls. they all get good grades and are very well adjusted. my daughter's teacher said,"your daughter is the most well adjusted girl i've known. she gets along well with others but knows her own mind and has very good self-esteem."  you cannot imagine what this meant to me. i know it's silly, but i was saying to myself' "see, you ARE a good mother. it wasn't your fault!" 

my son a left a suicide note. it said, "tell my mom to kiss my a** because she can't get into my head anymore either."      then he hung himself.   jahrlich

Hello, welcome to our group.

 

First, let me say how sorry I am to hear about the outcome of your son's life. It is hard to imagine how much it hurts to lose a healthy child much less a child who's mental illness has taken them so far away that no one could ever reach. Then to have him/her end it like that just adds to our guilt.

 

You are not to blame, and the fact that you have other children who are well adjusted and doing well, seems to validate that. It is the same with me as my youngest child, 18, is mentally well adjusted and is doing very well himself.

 

Although, there are differences in how he was raised. He was homeschooled from 7th grade on. He had little to no exposure to the drug culture. He was active in church activities and altho he was educated with mostly Christian based curriculum, hard to find secular stuff, I was able to intregate more secular education into it overall. He has been accepted into a leading State University, and has a well adjusted personable attitude. My only concern is he has little "street smarts" and because of this he may be easily taken, like many of my daughter's victims.

 

 My other 2 children were not. They both have problems. Daughter, age 29, was dx bipolar but has more symptoms in Boderline/Psychopath/Narcissit area then true bipolar. She doesn't seem to have the manic nor depression themes in her life. She is expremely manipulative and vindictive. She scams people in many ways with her looks and charm. Always has been very charming. She has had 2 husbands, one who is rather sick himself, the other one, her last, was a sweety, I hated seeing him go. She has had a string of sugar daddies and bank roll people so far as well. Has never been able to hold a job or long   term commitment to anyone, not even her own child. Will trash me then not have contact with me for months then out of the blue show up or call, as if nothing has happened. No consience at all, no remorse etc... She hates me coz, like your son, we can see through them. we have their number. It really rattles them when they can't get over us.

 

My oldest son is a true bipolar. He has seasonal patterns. Jan-Aug is his manic wind up time. Somewhere around late Aug-Nov he will crash, usually end up in homeless or in jail before Christmas from his "Bullet can't touch me" actions & attitude during the manic months. He is in jail right now for the 3ed violation if his probation from charges when he wa 18 yrs old. He is 27 now. He didn't call me this time bcause he knows I will not help him anymore. This as you know, is killing me but as we both know, it has to be this way. I can't fix him by enabling him. But because I am his mother I will worry non the less and am heartbroken I was never able to help him get well.

 

I too, have a grandson, daughters son, who I cannot see anymore. She will not let me. Hid him at his fathers, the sick on. He won't let me see him (her orders) and has moved so much I can never find out where they live. I am usually 1 step behind, sometimes by just hrs.

 

While, there is nothing you could have done to save your son, there may be, after giving yourself a chance to grieve and recover, a way to help others with your experience.

 

If you are a Christian, Romans 8 explains how this works.

 

It explains how to use the experiences, good or bad, can be used to improve others lives while enriching your own.

 

Finally, thank you for joining our group, we are here to help any way we can. Hope to hear from you soon,

Jeannie

I had a verbal discussion for the first time yesterday laying out the past experiences with my son.  It was shocking even to me.  Below I will list some of the things I have documented, these just touch the surface but gives you an idea of what his world is like:

Hey,

     I met my N and we began, what I thought was, a  relationship.  He had a 11 year old and I had a 7 year old, both boys.  We were both single parents.  We dated then decided to make it somewhat official, after 6 months,  and introduce the kids.  We went to Disneyworld and they seemed to get along great.  What ensued was bizarreworld. 

     As it turned out very quickly I became a weekend caregiver for his son.  He was a struggling new professional and had a live in Nanny all week.  He was rarely home and when not at work with me.  Usually in the middle of the night.  From Friday after school until Monday after school I was charged with supervision, recreation.  As a single mom, I really tried to please the kid, of course and it was a wirlwind of minature golf, movies and junk food.  Of course, I paid for everthing and quickly began to wonder what the heck was going on.  

I will finish later.

Kimmycub

cont....

sorry had to put the baby to bed.

anyway things began to strike me as weird but being "in Love" or trying to I just thought maybe I was crazy.  They were educated and "wealthy" I was just a normal person.  They seemed somehow "special" boy were they.  

I noticed how the child would order the nanny around saying things like "get in here an wipe up this water" after he took a shower.  He ate when/where and what he wanted.  When at a restaurant, which he loved, he would order the most expensive thing on the menu yet seemed not to know any niceties such as p's and q's. He could not use a napkin or eat with any manners whatsoever.  They were both sloppy and were basically without any social graces. Both were highly intelligent and I was, for a long time, intimidated.  The child seemed to know everything about everything and could sit at an adult table and debate.  Unfortunately, although he could debate he could not respect adults and again had no social graces.  What at 4 or 5 was cute was becoming tedious and rude.  He would humiliate and degrade adults and basically call me and anyone else stupid.  His father was unable and basically unwilling to reprimand him in any way almost blind or whatever to anything going on around him.  In addition, although he made 6 figures and I was a single mother I assumed more and more of the role of caregiver and financier and less and less of a girlfriend.  As a single mother, with my own home, job, car and son, I lived on a tight budget but soon began footing the bills for even a set of tires!  I couldn't believe it and I thought I just must be missing something. 

      Eventually, they moved in after a year and let the nanny go.  Now I worked full time, took care of the house, and both children single handedly.  Soon I had quit my job as well and he had began his own business which I ran, along with everything else.  And I was in Counseling with my boyfriend and his son!  This kid had absolutely no soul and was completely unable to handle even the smallest of family interactions.  He certainly had no relationship with my son, who was as clueless as I. We were eating at different tables, seeing different movies and fighting daily with this sick kid who refused to even be ready for school on time.  One day the counselor told me to leave him if he wasn't ready when I had to go take my son to school and be at work, I did.  He called his father and I got such an abusive call from him at work that I was hysterical.  He was screaming at me how dare I leave his son. I was supposed to be helping him and here I was the biggest bitch in the world.  After the child almost burned my house down.  The counselor told us he was so disturbed he would be the next Kansas city bomber.  His father convinced me that his mother, who had the child until he was sick, was a drug addict and had terribly abused the child and he had saved the child from her but was forced to do the best he could.  He said the child at six would vomit on cue whenever asked to do anything he didn't want to.  We finally had to send him to military school and my life became somewhat normal  Unfortunately my problems continued with the N father. The source.  I was in deep and it never got better. The child is now 20 and in college, by scholarship.  We were told he was "off the charts" in math, physics to be more specific and in 10th grade they could not teach him anymore.  He attended FIT by 10th grade.  He has no friends and is currently forbidden in most of his families home due to violence against them.