Dear Cenders,

     Went through very similar circumstances 18 mos ago (responded to your 10/18 post on child who shows no remorse) and would be more than willing to give any help or advice in that direction.

     You've asked the same question twice...can he be reformed?  My adopted daughter was diagnosed with attachment disorder and anti-social personality disorder.  The health care professionals I've dealt with (two psychiatrists and a number of social workers and therapists) have basically told me that she is hard-wired.  She cannot change.

     Suggest that you read up on both disorders.  Gut feeling is that you will recognize your son.  Both of characterized by lack of conscience and manipulative behavior.  But be forewarned,  it is a therapists job to heal and so it may be difficult to find any who will honestly tell you that a thirteen year old is beyond hope.  I was lucky in a way.  I found an outstanding psychiatrist who, while brutally honest, told me what I needed to hear to make the right decisions regarding my family.  He told me that these kids are extremely resistant to therapy.  First of all they are almost paranoid about being in control and it attempts to expose their weaknesses.  If they do "play along" they use the techniques to manipulate others.  Also told me that if I tried to "save" both the victim and the perpetrator, I would wind up losing them both....Very hard to hear but in retrospect so true.

     My daughter is in prison (yes we prosecuted...very painful but I do not regret the decision).  I could tell she was in therapy because I would get letters telling me how she wanted to help me "heal".  When I chose not to respond, I received a letter detailing how she would dismember me after having me watch her kill the rest of the family.  Never displayed this kind of rage at home (honor student, athlete etc).  She'd been unmasked and wanted to get a rise out of me.

     This is the same child who, when the abuse was brought out in the open, told the authorities that not only was I aware of the situation...but I did nothing to get her help.  Kids like these will say anything or use anybody to meet their ends.  They do not love because they are incapable of it.  However, they are good at faking it.  There is a saying that they "know the words but can't feel the music". 

     Your son is well aware that what he did is considered wrong by society's standards but he doesn't play by those rules unless it suits him.  People are pawns and objects to be manipulated.  You can't be played so he'll use your husband and exploit the whole father/son thing.  Caseworker might be snowed for awhile but these kids can only be so good for so long.  My daughter told so many lies to the prison social worker that she became suspicious and started to call me for verification.  They know what she is now.  As does my husband.  Like yours, he was in denial.  We've been together almost 30 years and this almost ripped us apart.  Each person has to come to their own realization in their own good time.

     You already recognize that he can never come home and that is a first step. Where you put him depends a lot on family services and the courts.  We found that because we were also the parents of the perpetrator, we were treated like criminals.  Had to pay child support, court and lawyer fees etc but didn't have access to documents like the police report because she was a minor.  If he is sent to a children's home, depending on the state you live, you may be accessed the cost of that and it could be pretty high.  Just remember that the authorities are following the letter of the law and the best interest of the community...the best interests of  your family is NOT a major factor.  He is 13, with no previous crinminal record or paper trail and his offense was within the family unit.  Unless it can be proven that he is a threat to the community, they may look at putting him in foster care and getting him counseling.  I had to negotiate the maze of the legal system myself...be aggressive.

     Technically, your son is yours until he reaches 18 or your parental rights are severed.  You may want to (discreetly) check with a lawyer to see if there is a way the adoption could be terminated and he could be made a ward of the state.  

     It may seem so hopeless right now but you CAN help your daughter.  One therapist likened the exposure of sexual abuse to a scab being ripped off of a wound.  She is raw and exposed.  She has suffered trauma and while the scars are there...she WILL heal.  First step is physical safety....it may take her awhile but she needs to internalize that he is gone and will NEVER come back.  If she loves him, she may feel guilty that she is the cause and you can help her work through that.  You are the strong one and let her draw on that strength.  Listen and provide support in public...cry your eyes out in private.

     Most of all...take care of YOURSELF.  There are a lot of people who are depending on you.  Like all fields, there are good and not so good therapists.  If you are comfortable with the professionals you are using that is wonderful.  If not, don't hesitate to search until you find what you need. 

     You have a rough road ahead of you but things WILL get better.  Don't hesitate to e-mail me directly if you feel the need.  Hang in there and I wish you only the best.