I am Afraid to be Happy!!!  I am Afraid to Move On!!!!  I have lost 4 grown children to N and they  learned it from my P exN for years.......I also have a grandson in the mix.....that I have never seen in 3 years......the Marriage of 22 years ended in Physical Abuse.......all done in front of my children.......Not One came to my rescue........No One Cared.......I was verbally, emotionally, and physically abused by my ex and children......I was sexually abused also by my ex.........I tried everything I could to get them to see it.......counseling........school counselors......his family......church.......Nothing Helped.......It spiraled Out of Control......Logical thinking made No Sense to Any of them......They wanted what they wanted and they got it..........Me......Out of the house....Out of their lives........No Longer a Mother or Wife.......They directed all their Anger at me..........and I lost it all.......everything......and Now I am left to move on.........to Where?????  I don't know......I struggle everyday with bad memories.......not good ones.......with their hateful comments.......and actions........that is All I See........and it Hurts......I am trying to dig deeper and remember times of Happiness.......when they were little........but it seems to be buried under their hateful words and actions.........I can't reach past it........I need it to heal........but Can I Heal?????  I am struggling to be Happy........Do I really have the Right to Be????  Have I lost so much of myself........that I no longer exist to be Me????  I still deal with all these pieces of my heart........broken on the floor of my soul...........I see only angry faces......hear angry words....and see fists fly towards me..........I was a Loving Mother.......a Loving Wife....I hate violence........I tried to do What was Right for my Family.....Only to suffer at their Hands........to be Beat Down beyond all that I could live for.......all that I hoped for..........just to struggle to be Happy..........Am I sooo Undeserving?????  Why do I Own This????  It is Their Behavior.......Not Mine........but they have branded it on my heart.....held me down to suffer........and then let me go to exist with it..........How cruel is this??????  I was a prisoner........and still am.......the Only Validation I received was "HATE".............It is a Constant Struggle.........A Constant Battle.........Love does Not Conquer ALL!!!!!  That is What I struggle with..........