I am new to this forum.  I just found it and so glad I did.  I have lived with NPs all my life.  I have this reocuring dream that I am lost in a bad side of town, surrounded by crazy people.  I am always trying to fit in, act like them...for I know if I don't they will kill me.  I have had this dream most of my life.  Now I feel this dream is a reflection of what my life was like as a child.  Living with such crazy people. 

My mother and father were both NPs.  Their love was conditional.  If I did good, then I got love.  If I did anything they disaproved off, they cut off the love and called me stupid, fat, ect.  I was never good enough.

They joined this group of ...shall we say hippies.  And a LOT went on there that wrote on the slate of who I was as a young teenager.  It hurt me so badly that as a young woman I acted badly.  I just behaved like I was taught.  There were drugs, nudity, and wife swaping.  All of which my parents took me to.  They even took a few of my friends.  They thought they were hip, cool.  They harmed me in ways that only I know about.  Just one example:  My mother even asked me if I wanted my first sexual experience to be with my step father!  She told me that she wanted my first time to be safe, and nurturing.  Am I crazy?  Was this right?  I'm still so distraught about all this that I live with depression everyday.  

 

I should have never let my parents have anything to do with my children, but I didn't think they would do to them, what they did to me. 

My mother even pulled her pants down in front of my daughter and my co-worker to show how her private part hairs were thining out.

Now my daughter is acting out.....I'm lost.  I fear I'm losing her.  She is acting out.

I'm 54 and my daughter is 32.  My son is 34.  He and I are still very close.

 

I'm sorry I blurted all this out here....I am so desperate, I'm not even sure if I'm in the right forum or not.

Anyway, thank you all for just hearing me out.

 

Hugs,

Sonia..........dreaming of a better day