JANICE'S BI-POLAR SUPPORT SITE

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.I dont know if this will get read or not, but i felt the need to put it here.

I have been reviewing my "past" in therapy and i am not impressed. my biggest question is why didnt i know about me sooner? apparently i have been this way most of my life.i had a very traumatic experience when i was 13, and apparently i never recovered. all it did was bring other mental issues to the forefront. i was a party girl, hanging out and working in bars(with my mother no less..) dropped out of school, lived with a variety of men before i was 16, got married had my daughter, and began drinking heavily and having affairs, i even left my husband, and took my young daughter into a bad situation. i was drinking and not being there for her.i filed for a divorce and began living with another man. as soon as i became " normal" again, i went back to my husband and didnt drink. then almost like clockwork, i would start drinking and run back to my "other man". i did this for 3 years. then i found out i was pregnant with my son, and went home to my husband for good.(so far) . i have resisted any urges to drink, and to leave for over 2 years. how? i stay home, i do not leave the house without one or both of my children. i dont even trust myself to go to the grocery store alone for fear that i will go to the "other mans" house and ruin everything. he calls me and sometimes i can hang up on him easily, and other times, i eagerly await his calls. i have now learned that when i am manic, i WANT to be with him and party and be another person without responsibilities.i WANT to dress like a slut and go to bars and stay up til dawn every night. i didnt realize that this was manic behavior until therapy. i never knew i was in a "state", but now that i know what the problem is, it is now my duty to DO something about it, and that scares me.what will i do in a manic state now? this man has been my "safety net" for years now. (if that makes sense) i know he will not KEEP me, he will send me home when the fun is gone, there is a warped sense of security in that. i used to think my life was screwed up, and now i know its me. and i am scared of me. i dont want to be manic ever, but i am not a fool to think i never will be. i know this sounds stupid, but at least when i was with this man, i knew i could go home, my husband would forgive me. what if i flip out royally now? now that i know this man is not good for me?who knows, i guess time will tell. i have read and listened and learned so much about this disorder, and i have to be honest, i am scared to death. i dont want to be unsupervised ever again. i dont trust me to do the right thing. i dont trust me to maintain. i dont know if i put this on the right page or not, i hope i have, i dont want to harm anyone by posting. feel free to move this or delete it entirely, maybe it will make more sense to you than it does me. definitely nuts.......... Lil

Hello Lil, big hugsssss your way. Life sure can throw some curve balls can't it? Each of us here has our stories of our journey's each a little different, but the pain in and of it, all the same. You have had a rough time of things, and my heart goes out to you. Awarness is the beginning to healing, the road still long but we all have survived this far and we each continue to live one day at a time, and sometimes, one sec at a time. Here in Butterfly, we do it together. It takes great courage to place our lives on these pages and I know how difficult that is. Keep on sharing and reaching out, we are all here for you. Welcome to Butterfly and this loving and caring family. {{{{{{{{{{{{Lil}}}}}}}}}}}}}}, love Silhouette

Lil your story sounds just like my life. It is scary. Yes we are scared of us cuz we know our track record. I am always scared of myself sleeping around with AIDs out there and also I'm more scared I will hurt myself by cutting or try to commit suicide again....two of them where near death. Yes I do know the fear. The reason you keep this other man around is cuz he is normal to you he is familar to you....like when we grow up in abusive homes, we tend to marry abusers. The reason you couldn't see the signs in yourself cuz you thought it was normal and you thought your life was screwed up. Also we were not given a book of signs to look for when we grew up. Who would or could have known about our diag. I always thought the only reason for me sleeping around was cuz of my sexual abuse. I thought my teen drinking was cuz of me being naughty. You are not alone hun were all a family and we know what your going through and we are here for eachother.

hi there i liked reading your story it sounds so familiar it sounds like me i too feel that they should have found out sooner but i put that blame on myself i didnt actually ask for helpoften and when i did they didnt understand what i wanted help with i wasnt honest with myself or anyone else i was afraid and i still am but im dealing with it anyway heres my story if you want to here it then read on we might have something in common when i was thirteen i started drinking with my friends runing away to party was a big part of my early childhood i had my first son when i was 15 i gave him up for adoption and suffered what it thought was depression i moved in with my boyfriend right after that i thought that the depression was over turns out it was the start of a much more complicated illness i didnt find out until i was 18 thatwas after i had my second son wich i decided to keep i suffered from an even scarier form of the illness i started halucination i became parinoid but i suffered alone i didnt tell anyone i thought they would think i was crazy or something lol of course at the time i thought i was fine and that these things were real latter that year i went to see a doctor under the advice of a relative that i finally confided in at fist a was told that i was scitsofrenic sorry i dont know if i spelled that right anyway they put me one anti-scycotics with i had a bad reaction to after that i became afraid to take mads i was sent to a phycotheripitst and was diagnosed with bipolar its been three years and im still having problems staying on meds i feel that they dont work and im always afraid to try new ones i have another son now i have had alot of ups and downs since then moved alot and have been in many relationships and have had many love afairs when im manic i find myself at bars dressed like a slut and drinking and doing drugs then i come down and wonder why i was so stupid some times i get real scared of where my mania will take me next im scared of myself it always seems to get worse over the years i dont know what to do now but keep hoping that things will get better and try so stay on meds but i only take it one day at a time now and hopefuly i will make it through this with something good anyway i would like to here how you are doing please get back to me

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