JANICE'S BI-POLAR SUPPORT SITE

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Ok, what's my story I'm 45, married 18 years and have four great kids 17,15,12 and 10. Married life is good, my Mom is my best friend and I really can't handle to many friends as to much work for my head. I have bipolar II, ocd, add and really didn't find out until the year 1996. I always knew there was something not quite right with me at a very young age of 7. School was always hard but I did make it to grade 12 which looking back seems hard to believe. Growing up I always had lots of energy which was like an everready battery that never stopped. When I was 19 I remember going out to the clubs so I could dance for 4 to 5 hours non stop. My head said I had to dance that many hours. I always look good never a hair out of place. Never would cause anyone a problem always just so. I was a middle child didn't like that, I always felt looked over or they would say Lou won't mind(without even asking me) Got married at 29 had four kids soon after and after each one things started to get worse. Deep depression wanting to die and feeling I was in this deep hole just falling deeper by the minute. They thought I had postpartum depression but it went on forever. Been hospitalized three times because of wanting to kxxx myself. Been on all kinds of meds over the years but they still can't keep me from going into that terrible doom moods. I see the doctor either every two weeks or one depending on my moods. Right now I have been fighting with the deep depression, wanting to sleep all the time, can't usually even make dinners, don't want to get dress which is really weird for me because my ocd always has to be presentable. Thoughts, of not living anymore but terrible guilt about it, as I feel I'm stuck. Which, means life is so unbearable but at the same time I have a family to look after. Your dammed if you do and your dammed if you don't. But, in my head life on the whole is way to hard to live for me. No sunshine, feelings of blah all the time and then again having soooo much guilt because I have a loving family who loves me. Plus, they are so great at trying to understanding me plus very patient with me especially my husband and Mom. That gives me even more guilt that I can't pull myself out of this. I get so tired of me, either I'm depressed, not wanting to live or I have to much energy and I usually do stupid things----or I just can't stop. Why, can't I be happy---what is happiness! Sorry, I'm rambling! Oh, I forgot to say worst time is around my period. I can't wait for it to be gone and maybe the ups and downs won't be so hard to cope with. Well, I think that's my story,

Lou

Please forgive us as some days we either are not up to answering or we get in a hurry and just rush to check in on the general board This is why Janice always tries caution us to check all of the boards

Let me say first that your younger life sounds a lot like mine I was not dz until 2003 with bipolar I I was dz with depression in 1992 but most of my life I knew something else was wrong with me I have become very stable for about 3 yrs now

You sound as if you might be med resistant and I am sure you have been on all types of meds If nothing seems to be working for you then I would ask the doc what they would suggest as the next step to get on the road to recovery Thank goodness you have such good support from your family It really surprises me that you have not made more recovery after 10 yrs of being dz

Again it could be that you are med resistant I belong to a bipolar support group where I am a facilitator and I have found several people there that are med resistant I had not even thought of such thing but it is true in many cases. If you can not get some kind of answer from your doc then I would condsider changing doctors Good Luck to you and I will be looking forward to seeing you post on the general board gigi

Thank you GiGi! I now feel that someone has understood me and that maybe this could be a good group for me. Your, right when you said I've tried many meds and I believe i'm a rapid cycler plus things trigger me very quickly. Plus, having ocd, add with the bipolar I think it makes it harder for them to get my bipolar under control. I believe my ocd is where the dark thoughts come from and this triggers the bipolar. Then, the add makes life very hard to live. I always, feel like i'm starting over every few days. Like, someone pulls the plug and I lose all my data. It is a very weird feeling but I feel my brain is slowly shutting down. Anyways, thanks again for reading my story you made me feel that I counted in this group. bye

Lou

I hope you are feeling better. I noticed you said you have ADD. Both my hubby adn daughter are dx with that. (though my daughter has ADHD) Are you taking meds for it? Stratera (sp) really helpes my hubby and focoline is waht my daughter takes. I noticed a difference in them right away.

About your moods getting worse with your female cycles, boy can i relate. I would get so moody, upset, and i had a hormonal inbalance. If i were you, i would see if you can have a total blood work up with an endrocologist to see if it is a hormonal inbalance. the endrocologist can help you. do you get the hot flashes too? (i got them when i was in my mid-20's and i knew somethign was way wrong!!) and then after several docs, i found the one who helped control my hormones and knock on wood, been good since!!

Thanks, Graceful! Yes, I'm on strattera it has been good for my add. Yes, I'm getting thoses hot flashes all the time. I was getting pms every two weeks but now we just put in a iud with progesterone. My doctor is hoping it will relieve some of my pms symptoms plus premenopause. I'm keeping my fingers crossed! Since, having it I don't get the motor feeling in my woman parts plus I don't feel 400lbs. But, it hasn't help any with the moods but being ocd,add and bipolar i guess that's to be expected. I'm happy for you that they have figured your body out. I will run this by my doctor about getting a total blood work done. Well, thanks again for the tips and reading my story.

Bluelou

((((Lou)))) My heart reaches out to ya hun. Boy, ya sure have been dealt a hand full. I agree with GiGi, it sure does sound like ya are med resenstant.

First let me say ya words stuck in my head when I seen ya say ya can't wait until ya periods would end,that maybe that would make it easyier. Don't let me discourage ya hun, but I had a hystoretomy done, and it made things worse for me. I may be an odd one in the bunch, I don't know, but that's what happened to me, I wish I still had everything still in tack and still had them. Of course if it goes awy on it's own, it may be a whold lot differant.

Never be sorry for typing away, ya not rambling on hun, type as much as ya wish, it's not rambling on, we are here for ya, we do care. Ya were once a freiend but when ya joined our group, ya became family here at butterfly land. Thanks for writing trigger on the topic on the trigger page.

I want to thank ya very much for sharing ya story with us. It's wonderful that ya have such a great family, it sure sounds like the stand behind ya. Hope ya are feeling better now. Ya are in my thoughts.

Hugs!

Important Announcement The MSN Groups service will close in February 2009. You can move your group to Multiply, MSN’s partner for online groups. Learn More
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