Rage, Violence and Healing: a Radical Suggestion

OK forget the lawyer speak, forget the politically correct assumptions. Can we talk? I have just realized I have been in the dark, and so have 99% of my friends and colleagues in the legal profession. Judges included. The light that just went on in my head?

Rage is the unaddressed issue in highly conflicted families - and female rage is a taboo subject. Unspeakable. Unmentionable. And thus..unaddressed, unhealed and unresolved. Nothing can be resolved until this taboo is lifted!

Oops.

Rage is the elephant in the room in our society. How is it then that I am so surprised to find out rage is the elephant in the room (to paraphrase an AA metaphor) in marital practice? I guess I just found one of my blind spots. But having done so I find I must do something..and this is all I can do. Write this article and see what happens.

So called "domestic violence" is a "sexy" issue right now. The court system and the legislature have discovered it and now sees fit to punish those is deems perpetrators. They send them off to programs which are mandatory, which goes over like a lead balloon, naturally. And any judge, if honest, will tell you they don't really expect these "perpetrators" to change - other than to become better at being phony. (I was just told this by a judge in fact. No, there are no women being sent to anger management as far as I know. Alas.)

Worse yet, this draconian approach also punishes any children by fragmenting the family in the name of "protecting" the children from this supposed risk of harm. (Never mind why on earth a local and well respected judge awarded Orenthal James Simpson custody of his children after a period of time of the care and custody by their non-violent grandparents.) Never mind what harm was (or was not!) done before the court system got involved, or what harm is done by the system. Never mind reality �?punish those evil men who are doing the evil deeds! No woman would ever raise a weapon to a man except to defend herself - my hairdresser told me that one! Having a weapon of punishment makes some politician or some judge or some lawyer feel good, so it must be good.

Or not. By the way..at age 56 I realized one reason I know women express rage and abuse men is that my earliest childhood memories are of objects being thrown. A glass ashtray. A Marlboro cigarette box. Later, clearer memories of - you guessed it, my mother - throwing glasses and breaking doors.

Oops. My father had long since been ousted from the family by then, so, guess who the original ashtray thrower had to be? Mom! No, not Dad - Mom.

But I digress. I am a lawyer whose mission in life is to help protect children as I was not protected, and I have been clueless as to why this seems to hard to do. The lights went on this week. The system is perpetuating a myth, a spider's web of lies. Only men are violent. Anger can be helped by punishment. Force works. Women are always victims. (Anyone read Medea lately?) Courts protect children! Ok, calm down Carroll. Steady on. (Sorry but all of this is a bit of a shock to my system!)

Now, about the courts. I personally question how well any bench officer an be expected to really understand and deal with the family dynamics of hundred of families in a few hours per case. I also question whether punishment has ever, or will ever improve human behavior. (The purpose of punishment is to wound - ergo, it will never heal any wound.) So, is the court system the perpetrator of violence? You may well ask. I submit the answer is �?yes, indeed, it is. Many tomes well meaning - but just as toxic for all that.

In fact, I further submit to you (as my judge friend puts it) that violence in all its forms is based in wounds, and is worsened by new wounds. But the lies make the situation worse yet. Because rage is a taboo subject and female rage is politically incorrect to mention, any man who finds himself having permitted himself to be the object of such rage - as my father did - is very much at risk of being further wounded by the legal system �?very much to the detriment of is humanity, his fatherhood, and the wellbeing of his children.

I have been a lawyer 21 years �?and the child of such a family for 56 years. And yet, I have just only realized my mother's rage was the elephant in the room of our family, both during and after the divorce �?and before and after her death. (She's a great deal more enjoyable now and I know she is showing me all this to make amends. Call me crazy, but I know it.)

By the grace of God and the inspiration of my long dead mother, I am beginning to u understand rage, its consequences, and the role I may have in shedding some light on this subject - despite its unpopularity. So here it is.

We cannot heal rage by feeding it or punishing it. Rage can only be healed by love and kindness. (I told you this was radical!)

Kindness in court? You may well wonder how and when this will come to pass. I certainly can't say. But I can tell you that even collaborative law and mediation will be impotent to heal families until we are willing to admit rage is underneath the most difficult problems �?and it is our duty to the children born to such parents �?and many of us have been and are such children �?so shed the light of truth in this dark corner of the human condition.

And for you men who have been abused, verbally or physically, I have messages:

1. You are not alone, and
2. You cant heal HER-- but you can heal you, and you must. Your children need you to.

It will take enormous courage, and it will be worth it.

I know. And just to mention the obvious..someone very wise said "ye shall know the Truth and the Truth shall set you free." For further resources and overwhelming evidence that I am not imagining this, see http://www.sheridanhill.com/batteredmen.html

To freedom from violence in all its forms, and to the courage to face truth in all its facets, I dedicated this small voice in the wilderness.

To truth and healing! To soul finding its way into the darkness of the legal system! To integration! To families!

"For material civilization is not adequate for the needs of mankind and cannot be the cause of its happiness. Material civilization is like the body and spiritual civilization is like the soul. Body without soul cannot live." - (Abdu'l-Baha, Abdu'l-Baha in London, p. 30)

"We cannot segregate the human heart from the environment outside us and say that once one of these is reformed everything will be improved. Man is organic with the world." - (Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i Faith)