Sex problems: I was abused as a girl
Overcoming the painful legacy of child abuse - towards a healthy sex life.
Barbara (24): I have been having counselling for the last year and during that time I discovered that I was sexually abused as a girl. I went for help because of terrible problems with sex but these are sorting themselves out. Do you think I'll ever be able to have a normal sex life?
William (32): We've been going out for a few months now and Barbara has told me about her therapy. I'm wondering if we can ever look forward to a normal sexual and loving life or if I should stop the relationship now and not get hurt. She does seem very damaged by her past.
The Lovers' Guide replies:
We do sympathise with your situation, William, but only you can decide whether or not you want to wait while Barbara sorts herself out in her therapy. Perhaps your patience and love in the meantime with be a healing force for her �?and a way that she can learn to trust a man again. After all, she has not long ago discovered that a man betrayed her trust and love when she was a girl. If you think it would help, why not ask if Barbara's therapist would see you too one day to talk over your fears and concerns.
Your fears about the future, Barbara, are very common indeed in women who discover that they have been abused as a girl. You do not say who it was that did this to you, but whoever it was, issues of betrayal and loss of trust will be at the forefront of your mind. The best thing is to take sex and everything to do with it very, very slowly indeed. We hope William will be able to help you with this.
It can be hard, even for a very together man, to deal with a partner who has been abused, especially when the reality of the abuse is all so fresh, as it is in your case, Barbara. Some men ask, 'Why is it that I've got myself into a relationship with a screwed-up person like this?' Others see it as a way of learning about themselves.
Most victims of childhood abuse have problems with intimacy, trust and sex. Living with someone who is dealing with all this in the raw state can be very hard indeed. She might be depressed, angry, or even totally preoccupied with her therapy. She might even unconsciously act out some of the abusive patterns on her lover.
Often, partners of abuse victims feel inadequate because they can't 'rescue' their lover �?and many feel frustrated at how long healing takes. We might even find ourselves admiring the partners of abuse victims even more than the abused woman herself. It can take great strength and love to stick in there, especially if your personal needs for love, intimacy and sex aren't being met.
There are, however, positive benefits to your situation as a couple. First of all, you chose Barbara, William, as a way of answering some of your own needs. Learning what these needs are and how you can have them met is a major journey of discovery for you too. It might be that you are rather 'rescuer-like' and so have chosen a 'poor little victim' as your partner. This is fine, provided that you do not further victimise Barbara by putting her in the emotional wheelchair. It is almost always the case that the man here benefits most from looking at his own woundedness, rather than projecting all his old pains onto an already hurting partner.
Many men find it hard to express their feelings under normal circumstances. If they have a hurting partner who is working through her childhood abuse, the level of emotional expression can grow within the relationship in a way that few other couples experience so early in their life together. This can be a real plus.
It is a paradox that, as Barbara becomes closer to you emotionally, she'll experience more panic and fear that she might be putting her head in the noose again. This can lead to mixed messages, which will be hard for you to handle. Her feeling this scared, rather than proving that the relationship is wrong, actually proves that it is right. After all, if there were no threat of real intimacy, she would not be feeling this way.
You might need some support yourself, William. It's hard to give out all the time �?and, of course, all kinds of issues will arise within you that you'll want to sort out. Good luck.