SHOCKING FACTS:   Over 1,300 women are killed each year by their husbands, ex-husbands, or boyfriends! An estimated three to four million women each year silently endure abuse or travel to hospital emergency rooms following an assault by their husbands or partners. In Canada, 1 woman is killed every 3 days by a man known to her.   (Source: 2/93 Congressional Quarterly, Inc. report and the Canadian "Men 4 Change" website).

Nationwide, every 15 seconds a women is beaten, every three minutes a woman is raped, every six hours a women is killed. In Arizona in 1999 there were 21,931 crisis-shelter calls of domestic violence. Fourteen percent of all homicides were domestic violence related.   (Source: Arizona Republic, December 6, 2000).

Domestic violence is the #1 cause of emergency-room visits by women nationwide. Eighty-eight percent of women in prison are victims of domestic violence. More than 3 million children witness acts of domenstic violence nationwide every year. Children of abused mothers are six times as likely to attempt suicide and 50 percent more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol.   (Source: Arizona Foundation for Women).

A national crime survey revealed that once a woman is battered, her risk of being a victim again is very high. In the six-month period after a domestic violence incident, about one woman in three is victimized again.   (Source: Research in Science & Theology, July/August 2002).

Someone once said, "It is better to light one candle, than to curse the darkness." We light this candle in honor of those who have had the courage to remove themselves from abusive relationships and in mourning for those who choose to remain in darkness.

Our greatest gift is choice.

There is hope. . . and there are actions you must take if you are the victim of an abusive relationship. Nothing happens until you do something.

When anyone physically abuses you, you must know that they are taking out the rage they feel within. . . on you! It's not about YOU. It's about THEM! What is upsetting to them now goes much deeper than what they are really angry about and causes them to demonstrate their anger by physical or emotional abuse.

Physical and emotional abusive behavior is sick. Physical and emotional abuse are "never" acceptable and every human being has a right to be safe and respected.

Therapy is always a wise choice when (not if) recovery is intended (not just talked about or desired). The sad truth is, an abuser usually does not stop. They say they will. They will promise you anything; "I need you. I'm sorry, please don't leave. It will never happen again. This time, I really mean it. I promise."

Some of you have heard those words before. They are destined to only be broken promises. How sad. Experience shows t hat this type of behavior is not likely to change and in most cases will only get worse.

If you are in an abusive relationship, you need help. So do they. . . and THEY must be responsible for getting help for themselves. You know the relationship is over when one partner REFUSES to work on the relationship.

YOU must take responsibility for getting help for you and your children. You cannot help an abuser except by removing yourself and your children (if any) from this extremely unhealthy atmosphere.

By the way, never believe an abuser who tells you that THEIR behavior is YOUR fault! It is simply not true. It is not triggered by anything that YOU do. It has nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with THEM. This behavior is sick.

WARNING: Any kind of physical or emotional abuse is never a GOOD reason to stay in a relationship. NEVER! You MUST leave the relationship and the sooner the better!

I am of the belief that divorce court can be your best friend!

When you love someone, you treat them with RESPECT. Physically or mentally abusive behavior demonstrates the highest level of disrespect.

For what GOOD reason would you want to stay with someone who treats you like that? I'm sure that you love them, but for your own safety and the safety of your children, I encourage you to leave the relationship. You can love someone and not be with them.

YOU WILL HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. Dealing with it is leaving the relationship.

The hardest thing you will ever have to do is to leave. If you think you can't make it on your own, take my word for it, YOU CAN! Many women in your situation have felt the same way and they have survived. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can offer suggestions. Some of the links at the bottom of this page also offer important information and support. They can handle all forms of abuse.

Please never let anyone ever tell you that YOU have to change in order to prevent him from abusing you, it is simply not going to work. Abusers are not reasonable people or they would not abuse you in this way.

We all do things that anger our love partners from time to time, but reasonable people can talk about those things and don't have to throw a temper tantrum, scream and holler, call the their partner names, beat them, or whatever they do.

Hang in there! You are a precious human being and you do not deserve to be mistreated. You deserve only the very best! And to have it. . . you must BELIEVE it!

Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. The only difference between the two is with physical abuse you are wearing it on outside for the world to see and the other is felt deep inside. Your feelings will fester and grow into resentment, anger, depression and cause you to feel as insecure as they really are. People cannot see the bruises on your heart. Don't allow an abuser to drag you down to their level.

You don't NEED a relationship be be a whole person, you only need yourself. When need goes away, choice shows up. When you are needy, you have no choice. Your best choice is to leave before they have left permanant scars on you and your children.

Take this quick quiz.

• Does your partner intimidate you through looks or actions, destroy your property or display weapons?
• Does your partner continually put you down, call you names or humiliate you?
• Does your partner control what you do, who you see and talk to, and where you go, limiting your involvement outside the relationship?
• Are you made to feel guilty about the children, orhas your partner threatened to take the children away?
• Has your partner prevented you from getting or keeping a job, made you ask for money, taken your money from you, or refused you access to family income?
• Does your partner treat you like a servant, making all the decisions?
• Has your partner threatened to kill you or commit suicide if you leave?
• Has your partner forced you to drop assault charges against him or made you participate in an illegal activity?
• Has your partner ever hit you causing injury, bruises, broken bones, or other injuries that reportedly result from "accidents?"

I strongly recommend you read the following books:

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond" and
"Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out On Relationship and Recovery" by Patricia Evans.

Read "Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change" and "Answers to Letters from Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. They are available in Larry's Book Store by clicking on the book title or from other fine bookstores everywhere.

If you are the victim of emotional abuse, you must read:  Setting Yourself Free: Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Abuse in Family, Friendships, Work and Love by SaraKay Smullens.

Also read this wonderful article, Ten Ways to Survive a Dysfunctional Family by Suzanne Gold, MA., Psychologist/Therapist.