Understanding Conflict
Fighting in the Big Picture
Conflict almost always occurs in a larger context than is immediately apparent to those engaged in it. In order to increase the chances for a productive conflict climate, there are various things to consider:
- that conflict is a matter of differing perspectives,
- that the goal is not for one partner to win but for the relationship to win,
- that you can develop and use various skills to make your conflict as productive and instructive as possible.
Perspectives Change Perceptions
An important factor to consider is that the point of view of each person can change the way she or he views the issue. Ask yourself,
"If I thought about this from her (his) point of view, would I still agree with myself?"
This is a healthy and productive stance to take. This doesn鈥檛 mean that you should surrender your own position. Rather, it involves a recognition that another perspective may be as valid as your own. Consider an argument about keeping the living space neat and straightening things out when the living space becomes messy. You may both actually agree on this goal. "Let's not allow our place to become messy!" However, to one person, the place is a mess when there are dirty dishes from the night before on the counters, gym clothes on the couch, books and papers from a research project someone is working on, and a pile of CD's on top of the stereo from a party this past weekend. Yet, for another person, a single book bag on the recliner and a magazine on the chair instead of the magazine rack next to the chair constitutes a mess. A healthy conflict in this scenario would involve escaping from a struggle about whether the apartment is messy or not to one that concludes,
"I need to remember that when the apartment is this messy, it really bothers my roommate and I want to avoid bothering him because I like my roommate... so I'll try to clean up after myself more than if I was just living alone."
and
"I need to remember that it takes much more stuff lying around for my roommate to view the room as needing things straightened out than it does for me, and he is not being inconsiderate, necessarily. He simply hasn't been triggered yet to clean the place up. For me to take it personally would be an incorrect interpretation of his intentions."
My needs and Our Needs
Most people think of a conflict or argument as something that one person wins and the other person loses. But, it is possible to win an argument and still damage the relationship. An important factor in any conflict is that there are three parties for every two people in conflict:
the first person
the second person,
and the relationship they share,
It is easy to think of conflict in terms of ME against YOU. This will likely lead to someone winning and someone losing. This means someone losing a sense of personal power or respect. Another way to look at the conflict is in terms of US AGAINST THIS DISAGREEMENT, so that the winners are all the people involved and the "loser" is the issue that threatens to harm the relationship. Consider an argument in a romantic couple in which the first partner wants to go out and spend time together tonight and the other partner asserts the need to stay home and study. Clearly, the partner who needs to study has a legitimate argument: being a responsible college student means I need to study. However, if this partner has been neglecting the other a lot lately, it's critical that the impact of not studying be weighed against the consequences of not spending time with the partner. Conversely, if the partner asserting the need to study had actually been spending so much time with the other partner that his/her grades have suffered, it's critical to assess the impact of giving in now on academic survival. A healthy conflict in this scenario would involve shifting away from which partner will get his or her way in this argument to how this decision will impact each of the partners and the relationship they share.
"I really do need to study tonight, but I realize that I've been putting my school, my family, and my friends first a lot lately, and my partner hasn't really felt connected to me. The truth is, I love my partner and don't want this relationship to ever feel this disconnected for either of us, so I'll just have to make studying the top priority tomorrow because the relationship is in greater distress than my grades are right now."
and
"We've actually been spending a lot of time together lately, and I love being together. But I haven't been doing what I need to do for myself at all, including studying ---and this is a big exam. If I fail this exam, I'm really going to resent this relationship and my partner. So, the best thing for me and this relationship is that I assert my own need right now and we'll have fun again this weekend."
Power and Control Issues
Conflict can easily evolve into a struggle to see who has more power or control in the relationship. In fact, the outcome of a conflict is often determined by who is the more powerful person rather than what is best for the relationship. Therefore, for healthy and productive conflict, it is important to consider not only Personal Power but also Relationship Power. Two issues are always at play during conflict: the issue the conflict is about and the sense of personal power or respect that each person holds, creates, or loses as a result of the conflict. Ending a conflict with the goal that each person feels their position was respected and understood, regardless of the outcome of the conflict, is a critical ingredient in productive and healthy conflict.
It is often difficult to determine what is most important. What鈥檚 best for me? What鈥檚 best for you? What鈥檚 best for us? If conflict is going to be used as a tool to improve the relationship, compromising will have to occur. Some important questions to consider when deciding when and how to compromise include:
Is one person giving in much more than the other?
Does giving in again in cost you dignity or respect?
Does holding your ground cause the other person to view you as insensitive to their needs?
What is the conflict about? Is there a hidden conflict underneath the conflict? If so... ...Is there something more important than the actual issue you鈥檙e in conflict about, such as the other person鈥檚 self esteem, the overall need for a balance of control in the relationship, or your own sense of being respected as an individual?
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