LONELINESS... very different from ALONENESS... Different in the way it feels in your chest, the way it affects your life, a tremendous driving force for all of our decisions and the reason for our unrelenting and continous search for that one special person to love when we are suddenly alone in life. It is also, sadly, the reason most of us end up "broken and hurting". The consequences of the decisions we made when we were lonely can be longer-lasting, more hurtful, more impoverishing than any other single emotion.
"Aloneness" is the experience of being on one's own... capable of making decisions and being in control of one's own life... It is, in and of itself, empowering... It does not have the devastation and ruin attached to it that loneliness can breed if one does not stay aware of themselves...
Loneliness is an "e-motion"... so called because it literally causes motion... Movement toward the door to go to the bar to meet someone... incentive to get on the Net and hope to find that one other spirit who wants love in their life as well... And because it is an "emotion", it has the ability to fill a soul and cloud all reasoning, logic and sanity... They say that "the degree of intelligence and reasoning falls in direct proportion to the rising of one's emotions" so it follows that the larger the feeling of loneliness, the dumber we become in our choices about what to do about it...
Loneliness can be a driving force... one that causes the normally intelligent human being to cast aside derogatory information they have about someone... The brain, being the master control, responds to the huge feeling of loneliness by doing what it's master commands... and so refuses to face facts, ignores realities, overlooks things like alcoholism, gambling, unfaithfulness, financial irresponsibility... even when everyone else can plainly see what the lonely person is refusing to see...
A few years ago, I was living with someone... investing every spare minute, every penny I made and every ounce of love in my heart .... One night he came home, started a fight and moved out... tipping the financial balance so suddenly as to cause me to fall into an abyss of terror facing eviction, loss of my child and all sorts of nightmares. He called to say that he needed space and was living in the basement of some old woman's house... So I drove there and watched while he walked in to her house after work, through the front door of the upstairs... and spotting me, went into her bedroom to push back her lace curtains to stare at me... Moments later, the "old woman" also arrived... youthful, brunette and about as old as one of my pairs of socks.
You know... facing all that I was facing, I started immediately trying to remanage that information so that it wouldn't end up with my having to face his obvious unfaithfulness. I have a good brain.. it does what my heart tells it to... and at that moment, the incredible heartbreak I was feeling attempted to steer those facts into something I could actually manage and still forgive him.
Loneliness... a huge, gaping hole in the chest that cries out to us that somehow in this world of millions of people, we have been found unworthy of love... An aching heart that screams "why???".... A yearning to be accepted and loved. For most, our greatest challenge in this lifetime is to feel "lovable"....
Beware loneliness... and those times when casting facts and information aside is so much easier than living with the silence, the emptiness and the truth... When you are responding to that huge awfulness instead of absorbing information that is crucial to your future happiness, you are placing your loving spirit in great danger....BEWARE and salute the tremendous force of loneliness while you protect your valuable self from it's sometimes harmful effects!
From one who has been there,
With love and affection for my beautiful roomies always,
Silken
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