In the last section, the research usually involved the correlation within a large group of one test score, e.g. low self-confidence, and an outcome, e.g. rated marital happiness. You get an entirely different perspective if you study only one individual (or one couple) and his/her history, as a therapist might do. I think you will find it enlightening to read the theories and speculations therapists have about why we are attracted to certain kinds of people and why we seek certain kinds of interactions in marriage. I'll give a brief summary but you should do more reading in this area. The histories of a couple's dynamics and of their needs, fears, and resentments are often traceable back two or three generations. It is fascinating. If both your father and your grandfather failed in business in their late 30's and your mother and grandmother were very bitter about it, you have a legacy to live by or to live down. Knowing your history might help you understand your unconscious motives.

We may be attracted to people like our parents . Why not? Such people are what we know and feel comfortable with, especially if it is a positive characteristic. Most of the time this is beneficial, but we may also be attracted to problematic traits of a parent, e.g. an overly controlling, protective mom or an unemotional, unaffectionate father, which may lead to serious marital problems.

Wise observers have noted that characteristics which initially attract us, sometimes become a problem. Examples: the social skill, warmth, and charm become seen as shallow, self-serving manipulation; the dependability, predictability, and security become seen as boring. Likewise, after being attracted to an aloof, cognitive, quiet, unemotional husband (like dad), the wife may become increasingly dissatisfied and outspokenly critical of his remoteness; thus, driving the husband to be even more emotionally defensive and withdrawn.

We may be motivated to repeat old relationships even if unhappy, e.g. if you were the rescuing caretaker in your family, you may need to select a partner with problems who will need to be rescued or who will have children who need rescued. Likewise, if dad was a failure and mom a shrew or if mom and dad were "fighters" or if you fought constantly with a sibling, you may re-create that situation even though it was and will be unhappy. This is called "repetitive patterns." In effect, we "leave home" but maintain the same psychological environment with our spouse.

In some instances, we may repeat an old relationship in the hopes of working it out differently, e.g. a person with a cold, critical, distant father may marry such a man in the hopes of changing him and winning him over.

We are often motivated to not repeat the troubles we have experienced in previous relationships, e.g. if a parent was alcoholic or abusive, we may demand a teetotalling or a very unaggressive spouse. If you have been dumped two or three times by the same kind of person, say a flirt, you will probably be very frighten of the next such person who comes along. If your father was in the military and gone a lot or left your mother for another woman, you may avoid deep intimacy with anyone (including a spouse) or select a partner who is very insecure, dependent, and afraid to leave. Levine (1992) discusses at length the resentment and ambivalence many women feel towards men in general and how this interferes with selecting a partner.

We may select a partner who will make up for our own weaknesses or who will satisfy some of our unconscious needs. We may seek through a mate the satisfaction of some need that was unfulfilled by a parent. Examples: a love-starved adult may have felt unloved and untouched as a child, an inarticulate person may select a talkative partner, a low ability person may seek a more able person. An angry person who can't express his/her feelings may find a hostile, expressive person very appealing (if it isn't turned on him/her very often). A person who would like to rebel and "act out" but can't, might be strongly attracted to a wild rebel.