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| | From:  kscowgirl031 (Original Message) | Sent: 10/5/2007 11:04 PM |
I just am not!!!!!!!!! I haven't felt a more searing pain, than losing my grandma and my friend tommy last year. I asked lady if people can truly die of a broken heart, cause i swear to you, it feels like i am! I have been able to handle 2 ex hubbys, physical abuse, even rape, and for some reason, this right now, I am drowning, and its worse than anything and everything in my life put together!!! I can't live like this, I don't want to hear life isn't fair, DUH i know that, i just want it to all go away. I want to be happy to see another day start, instead of bawling my eyes out cause i have to see it I shouldn't have to be so all alone, and it SUCKS!!! where are all these people in real life that i have been there for me if i need it returned?? I just need someone to come hold me while i cry and tell me its really gonna be ok. |
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Traci, I know that you like honesty and not to be coddled and to hear it like it is.  I am not a mean , harsh person. It's quite the opposite as people tell me I am too soft hearted. We have talked and have been through much of the same things. I know how you feel. I know how it feels to want to die. Life sucks sometimes, shit happens, and as women we have to "deal with it" or handle it. Never say you are struggling with it. Handling it is much more empowering. It hurts, we want to be held and loved but the reality for many of us is, that no one is there to do that for us. I know that is not what you want to hear. When I was at my lowest I had a person in my life that kept telling me to "Suck It Up". I grew to hate his guts for that. Swore if I heard it one more time I would scream! A divorce or relationship breakup is worse than a death because of the lack of closure. There is not funeral, cemetary or headstone to visit. You will go through the stages of grief, and you are in one now. Next will come the anger. Then you will feel in your heart that damnit yes, it will be OK! You will have as my friend said "sucked it up" and will fight. The searing pain won't sear so much but it will always hurt. I too have always struggled with the injustice of why I am alone with no partner. I never had one, and none came along to rescue me. There was only me. I wonder why that is? In retrospect I think it was so I could grow and be the strong person that I am today. The strong woman that can handle things. The strong woman that does not really need a man or partner. But the strong woman that still very much wants one, and that I believe will be rewarded one day with that. You are strong enough to handle this. you have handled so much already. Give yourself a huge pat on the back and remember your  accomplishments. Never feel sorry for yourself Traci because that is a very dangerous place to be. Yes you need to take care of you, but you also have to give Traci credit. She escaped from a lifetime of abuse and pain and although it seems like a loss, it was really a huge gain. Let yourself feel, cry if you need to, and see that your friends are in that mist around you. Hey list all the things that really bothered you or hurt you about Benny. Now that he has gone look at that list and ask yourself "What did I lose?". You may come to tell yourself nothing..........I gained freedom from all these things. Love Heather |
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I believe in you... I know you're hurting... I know you're scared the pain will go on... You are not alone... You have people who love you... whether they be near or far away... I know you're strong and you can get through this... I know because you already are... getting through this... I am right there... beside you... in my heart... When you're going through Hell... just keep going.. There IS an end... Believe me.. I DO UNDERSTAND.... I love you... Always your big Sis, Silken |
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