It is hard to believe it has been 16 years since I lost my brother.  Even stranger still that I have lived more of my life without him than I have with him.  And even after all these years I still feel like I did when I was 15 and found out that my strong big brother took his own life.  I am usually pretty good throughout the year but on this day I feel so utterly helpless just like I did back then.

 

It is at this time of year that I think about the things he has missed so far in our lives and the things he will continue to miss out on.  I wonder how differently our lives might have been if he was still here.  The rest of the year I can think about the good times I had with him even though it gets harder to remember just becuase of how much time has passed.

 

I love the person he was in life and miss him but it is really hard to go to the cemetery every year and pay respects to the coward he was at the time of his death.  So when I do go, I talk to him.  I tell him the things he missed out on this year and I don't hold anything back.  I get angry and let him know that even to this day, his death haunts my family and it still has repercussions on my life.  I know that he knows I love him but I think he also knows that he deserves any anger we do have toward him.  I find I am the one who has the most anger and that might just be because I was so young when it happened.

 

I know brooding about him will not bring him back and to be totally honest this is the only day I get sad and shut down emotionally.  Let's just say I am not the most fun person to be around.  LOL

 

Well I think I am done venting.  I know this was supposed to be an in memory of but when I think of that, well this is what comes out.

 

Thanks for everyone who will take a couple of minutes out of their day to read this.

 

With much love

 

Mish