Are marriages better if you first "live together?"

A good question but there is not a good answer yet. For one thing, there are several reasons for living together. Some people live together to test out their relationship--a "trial marriage." But, many other people, e.g. 25% of all college students sometime during their four years, just like each other and start sleeping together. (College students usually sleep in the male's room while the female keeps her room just in case it doesn't work out and to "fool" her parents.) Only 10% of college students living together consider it a life-long commitment; their purpose is not to test out or improve a future marriage; they are 20-22 and they don't want to get married until 8-10 years later. Meaningful research must, at least, separate the "trial marriages" from the "love affairs." Living together can also serve other purposes: it can be a way to entice someone into marriage, it can be a convenient way to get lots of sex or a companion, it can be a substitute for marriage. Be sure you and your partner are working for the same goals.

There are studies which supposedly "prove" that people who have "lived together" are more apt to fail in marriage (get a divorce) than those who have not lived together before marriage. However, there are other studies that show the opposite--that people who have "lived together" are more likely to stay together (White, 1987) than those who have not had that experience. Clearly, all of these people were serious about marriage; they tried it. But divorce is only a sure sign of marital unhappiness; remaining married is not a sure sign of marital happiness. So if the researchers have groups with different attitudes about the acceptability of divorce, they will get different results. It seems quite likely that couples who were open to living together will be more open to the idea of divorce if they become very unhappy. So, thus far, divorce rate doesn't tell us much about the wisdom of living together and mate selection. Ratings of marital satisfaction would tell us more. Recent surveys find that 38% of couples who lived together before marriage were divorced within 10 years; 27% of couples who did not live together were divorced within 10 years.

The research needs to focus on more specific questions, such as: How often (for whom and how) does living together help prepare us for marriage? How does living together cause harm? How are negative attitudes towards living together (and associated moral values) helpful or harmful in the subsequent marriage? How often does living together help us detect and escape bad relationships? How often does it permanently entrap us in bad relationships? The limited research we have now provides only tentative suggestions and answers, as follows.

First of all, "living together" increased by 45% between 1970 and 1990. In recent years, approximately 70% of people getting married have lived together. But only about 20%-35% of the people living together end up getting married. Remember, many weren't seeking marriage, but it seems likely that many who "split" would say, "Thank God, we didn't get married." Therefore, at least some people learn things about the relationship that helps them avoid a bad relationship. Ideally, avoiding a disastrous marriage is an advantage of living together, but there are many reasons why we can't avoid all future unhappy relationships by living together. For example, many observers agree with Joyce Brothers (1984, pp. 123-128) that people living together are on their best behavior, "walk on eggs," and avoid confrontation because they are eager to have someone love them and insecure in the temporary relationship. So, living together isn't a good, honest "trial" (and Brothers recommends against it). Moreover, this super nice premarital behavior may partly account for the radical changes in behavior, personality, and attitudes (almost always for the worse) that sometimes occurs shortly after marriage. Many married couples testify that living together didn't really prepare them for marriage; they still didn't know each other and had many adjustments to make, similar to couples who haven't lived together. Besides, the intense romance subsides in 2 or 3 years. So, 5 years and 2 children later, it is a different relationship. Living together is no sure cure for marital problems, but it may be your best bet when you want make as good a choice as possible.

Living together and getting pregnant as ploys for getting someone to marry you are usually ineffective and unwise. This kind of pressure, added to the other adjustment problems at this time, strains the relationship to the breaking point. The pursued partner starts to feel trapped and to find others very attractive; if they don't make the effort to work out their major problems, the relationship probably ends. In other cases, where one partner assumes more of the responsibilities (income, cleaning, cooking, etc.), that partner often starts to feel used. If the partner feeling used is a pregnant woman, she has two serious problems: what to do with the guy and with the baby. Finally, because a trial marriage is a test, the couple often postpone working on adjustment problems. The attitude is: "We'll just stay together as long as things work out." Few loves could survive without more commitment and work than that.

My conclusions on this very murky issue are: if you have strong moral-religious beliefs against living together, then don't. If you both are not ready for marriage but want a steady partner, living together offers obvious advantages and some risks. It can be a fantastic, real life learning experience of loving and adjusting on equal terms with another person. But, the "break up" can still be messy and painful, almost like a divorce. If you are considering marriage, have the time, and are psychologically aware of the pitfalls, living together may be a good way to initially assess the compatibility of the two of you in an intimate situation. However, this is a tricky undertaking, because (1) you are deeply in love romantically, probably still infatuated, and eager to continue impressing and winning over the partner (who is not the same person you will live with for 60 years or so), but (2) you are also attempting to honestly assess the quality of this relationship in the long run and must be willing to leave the relationship (otherwise it isn't a test or a trial). While you are not unswervingly committed to marrying your partner, you must make every effort to make it work. While appreciating his/her efforts to be especially nice, you must not assume he/she will always be this nice. These are difficult undertakings and judgments, even for a mature, experienced person. But it is even more complex.

In addition, before starting a trial marriage (even before having sex), both people might want to consider the advantages of "saving" sex and living together until after marriage. For many people, their wedding day could be made an even more super-special event with great personal-social-sexual-spiritual meaning if they "saved themselves." In addition, during a trial marriage, both people have to consider how good the current relationship is in comparison to another relationship they could possibly have with a different partner. That's very hard to do. In short, there aren't compelling reasons either way, i.e. for "saving yourself" or for a "trial marriage." Therefore, it becomes an emotional, intuitive decision, rather than a logical one. Yet, in most situations (assuming religion wouldn't be a problem), I'd want to live with and/or be very involved with my lover on a daily basis for months before making a life-long commitment to marriage and children.

My last bit of obvious advice: don't get pregnant. In fact, wait 3 or 4 years after getting married and be sure the relationship is still happy before having children. Splitting without children is a lot easier than with children.

Keep living together in perspective. It is just one of many possible "tests" for a potential partner. The best predictor of a good marriage is a long, relatively smooth relationship, in which a wide variety of problems and successes are experienced. In addition, long, detailed discussions and commitments are needed about many possible future situations, such as educational and career plans of both, having and caring for children by both, family relationships, religious matters, money matters, life-style, social lives, buying a home, decision-making and division of labor, etc., etc. (Bozzi, 1986).