Well...all I can say is WOW.  I just logged on this morning and see all these words of encouragement, and it's awesome.  I wish I had people in my "real life" who were like-minded as you all are on here.  It would really make my life so much more fulfilling.  SK is truly a place where I know I can go where there are wise and caring people, and I really do thank you all. 

 

Last night when I logged on and saw the post about being sad, I just thought it seemed like someone was feeling what I was feeling....like you could see right into my heart.  And although I know this post was not soley for me because there are so many sad, sad souls out there right now  (I am an empath.  I feel it EVERYWHERE I go.) I am gratefull for the concern.

 

Jody...you crack me up.  LOL.  I do know what you mean.  It's funny...I've been on SK for quite a while, and it seems like about the time that I got here was when I started to change into the "badass."  I was not like this before you all met me.  I was very grounded, very spiritual, and I liked who I was inside.  I joined this group because I could feel myself slipping away.  I know I was mean at times when I posted.  For a long time I have felt like when a parent says "Do as I say, and not as I do."  because I have always known what was right, and when I was being wrong...and was really good at teaching right to others, but just couldn't seem to practice what I was preaching.  Now, I am to a point where I feel broken.  Just broken.  Like I know what I should be doing...I just don't care enough to make the effort.  My new years resolution (in theory) is to get me back.  I've been trying to try...if that makes sense.  Some days I feel better, but some are not good at all.  I try not to post on those bad days...but I do read.

 

And yes...my sons do love me.  They are the one constant in my life.  For those who don't know, I have five boys ranging in age from 20 all the way down to 1.  (Yeah, I'm nuts...lol)  I wouldn't trade a single one of them.  My oldest son called me up the other night and "had a talk" with me, and it really put alot into perspective for me.  I can't type much about it or I will start crying again....but in short, he said that he had never seen his mother ever be happy.  He said that he's seen me abused, heartbroken, and miserable with myself his whole life, and that alot of that sadness has been projected onto him (made me feel like shit) and that he has a hard time with depression.  And just when I thought he was blaming me for this, he said "and I know it's all my (meaning his) fault."  I found out that he blames himself for my misery because I had him when I was only 16 years old and that he "ruined my life."  I told him that he had probably saved my life at the time, and that he was NEVER a mistake!  And that not for one minute have I ever had anything but love and gratitude for his life!!!  He made me realize though, that I have to get my head out of my ass for the other boys...so they don't feel sad when they grow up. 

 

If anyone could keep Brandon in their thoughts and prayers I would so appreciate it.  He's such an awesome person and he's feeling so bad right now too.  His life is hard.  Had to drop out of school because we just couldn't afford to keep him there, and such.  I want him to be happy.  So any love sent his way would be appreciated.  Really do love you all.  Thanks for everything.

 

Kelly