Mara...My boyfriend (lived together for 13 years) is not supportive whatsoever.  When I met him, I was so much different than I am now.  And I am NOT in any way blaming him for my sadness,  but my soul told me at the time to be careful because he's so negative.  There are issues with him that I can't even begin to explain here...too much typing.  But since I met him it's all been down hill.  We are now at each other's throats.  In fact, right now I am just trying to keep it together for Christmas so that they boys don't lose their dad during the holiday.  We've both worked so hard to give them a good Christmas and I don't want to spoil it.  I just want to take my babies and run away...far, far away.  After the first of the year, I am going to see what kind of help I can get to get out and make it on my own...something I have never done.  At 38 years old I have NEVER been alone. I went straight from my abusive father, to an abusive husband, and the next, and now the one I am with now who in 13 years has never laid a hand on me until three days ago.  It was bad.  I am sure it's time to go.

 

I feel just awful that Brandon feels bad because of me.  It makes me feel so worthless as a mom.  He's such a good kid and he's tried so hard, and I see everything the poor guy tries just be in vain...and it's killing him.  I see me at his age.  He didn't talk to me all summer...even though we have always been SO close!  The best of friends!  He just stopped talking to me and said he needed some time to think.  Last week he called me out of the blue and we talked for hours.  He said he was so sorry and so wrong for hurting me all summer so badly.  (I was crushed..and didn't understand)  He said my karma is so bad...and I need to heal my karma.  He said he was worried that I was going to die and be lost...which is my worst fear.  He was giving me advice like a parent would and I cried so hard.  He said he just couldn't face me this summer because he was so angry with me.  I said "Why would you be angry with me?  What did I do to you?"  His reply was,  "Mom...I AM you, and it is scaring the hell out of me!!!!"  He cried and cried and I just wanted to die.  He said it was all his fault for my life being miserable.  I can't even tell you how broken that made me feel.  It's crazy that I never knew how my sorrow was affecting him.  I told him he was a sweet beautiful baby, and that my sadness has nothing to do with him.  I told him that it was a genetic flaw...and that I am trying to get help.  The other kids seem so well adjusted.  They just don't seem to have my sadness at all...but they are still young, so I don't know.  My eight year old has my fears and that is bad.  I just feel so guilty now for doing this to my children.  I NEVER thought I was hurting them.  I am the most devoted and loving mother I know...HONESTLY!  Even when I am miserable, I thought they didn't see it.  I guess I am not as good at hiding it as I thought. 

 

You are right.  I do need to get some help.  I have made my promise to myself to not let 2009 SUCK like the past years.  I am hoping this to me my year of transformation.  I have been to therapy before and it was more than a joke!  (IF I told you, you wouldn't believe it.)  I am going to call around and see what I can find.  I want my babies to remember me as a happy person.  I don't want to be laying in my casket and have everyone thinking, "Poor girl...she was always so miserable."  You know??  Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me and to think about me.  I am a very, very good person on the inside....that person is just buried under so much crap!  I feel like I will never be able to find myself.  Very scary thought. 

 

Thanks for your help, Mara.  I am sorry I didn't send this to your email.  I can't get it to copy and paste instead of sending it here, now that I have already typed all of this.  I'm too tired to type it again.  But if you want to talk ever...I am [email protected] and the same ID on messenger.  Thanks again.

 

Love,  Kelly