I am not ok

 

 

 

My souls cries out these words.  I feel them from the very core of my being and i know that somehow i have to get thru the next moments....the next minutes...the next hours...until i can say I AM OK....but for now...i'll just cry...and cry some more.  I stop myself from going to the liquor cabinet...from taking a drink to dull the pain...the pain is valid...it deserves to be felt...and yet the pull is great.  The tears flow more quickly, from deep in my gut, from my heart...from my soul.  They fall thickly and stick to my lashes and my cheeks.  These are not quiet tears of sadness...these are wrenching tears of pain.  I wait for the pain to dull ...to move on..and still it does not.  My eyes hurt now, from crying so long and so hard.  My gut hurts, my neck and shoulders ache with the tension of the tears.  I get no release from these tears...only regret for my loss of control and the expectations that lead me here in the first place.  Perhaps the morning will bring sunlight and acceptance...but for tonite...only pain.

 

-Laurel (Nov 2001)