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Sound Poems : here's my first 2 poems to be posted( they suck though)
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Recommend  Message 1 of 10 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameWhispert0ascream  (Original Message)Sent: 12/18/2004 3:03 AM
A WAlk in My SHOES
 
you lost hope in everything
cant believe a word they say
so, you sit in your room listening to the most sadest songs
the radio's up so loud no one can hear you scream
and you cant hear a sound
but the hurting words in your head
as the songs play
you look around your room
theres none here to save you
the pictures of everyone you love fade away
you're suffering
you take the sharpets thing you can find
and tatto yourself with your pain
who would've thought thought it'll come to this?
you use to believe
but as time went by
you reazlised that everything you've known was a lie
and this world is cruel
you think you're safer inside
but as these wounds keep coming
you start dying
yet you still keep your mouth shut
it hurts so much to speak, to breathe
outside you fake a smile
they wont understand
all the pain you're going through
and how yo numb it
your wardrobpe change
noone seems to noticce
never asking questions
but s they come closer you move farther away
wwhent ehy touch you
you push tehm away as if they were poison
afraid of what they'll find under your clothing
but in a away you wish they wouldn find the scares of all the pain you hide
you look for somone who understands
skimming their arms
but noone seems to have the tattos you have
and noone feels the pain you do
tell me, how does it feel?
to want to die
how does it feel to walk in my shoes
 
 
 

 


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Recommend  Message 2 of 10 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameWhispert0ascreamSent: 12/18/2004 3:11 AM
this ones kinda confusing it's just how i'm denying feelings cause i'm still stuck on some dude.. and stuff i hope u can understand ^_^ well enjoy i hope.. tell me what u think of both ty..
 
MY BIGGEST MISTAKE
 
the biggst mistake of mine
is looking deep into your eyes
and readint the most beautifl things i ever seen
letting you know that i wish ther was hope for you and me
 
i'm sorry
i wish this feeling was towards you
you're the warming breathe i take everyday
and my minds full of pictures of you
but my heart is chases someone elses
 
pretend that we never seen, we never met
and maybe we can forget who we really area
lets start over and play a little game of make belief
'cause yyou derserve so much better
 
let her see that she'ss the one
though i wish  we were ment to be
and you can be the one who heals my heart
i'm sorry
my heart belongs to somone else
please
foget me
you're heart deserves to fly
as mine derserves to die
with every breaking moment i hurt you
i never ment too
i'm sorry
please
forgive me
 
the biggest mistake of mine
is looking deep into your eyes
and reading the most beautiful things i've ever seen
letting you know that i wish there was hope between you and me
 

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Recommend  Message 3 of 10 in Discussion 
From: _susan_Sent: 12/18/2004 5:40 AM
welcome whispert
 
hmm.
 
ok. --- first of all, why presage your post with a warning:
here's my first 2 poems to be posted( they suck though)
 
i don't want to know they suck, at least not right off the bat,
'cause that will prejudice me when i read it.
let the reader judge it's suckiness.  or not.
 
the upper case/lower case is definitely something you'll have
to come to grips with.  'cause it detracts from the read.
and you are not exactly a concrete poet say like Emmett Williams.
 
so that will have to be re-evaluated by you when writing.
unless it was a typo.
 
hey - yeah - i know - i haven't even got past the title yet!
 
ok, so moving on - at a better pace, i hope - this line:
so, you sit in your room listening to the most sadest songs
was that a typo, or did you mean to say 'sadest' as in Sadist?
hey look, i really am not into S&M & i don't care who told you otherwise -
but that would make it an adult poem which is not what this site is about.
check our Group Settings if you don't believe me.
 
tatto yourself with your pain
 
see?  there it is again - bad spelling & masochism.
 
and how yo numb it
your wardrobpe change
 
YO! get yourself a dictionary or spell-checker!
(like the damned Dopler effect here)

i can pick out other nits from your head, but i am sure you
are going to tell me how sensitive you are & so why bother.
 
see, you should never tell someone in advance that your poetry sucks.
s.
 
p.s.   for the second poem - you win the Hello Kitty! award for the Month of
December.  this is something new - Doc/Lucky started it.  but since i have the icon
in storage --- i drug her out just for youse!
 
 

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The number of members that recommended this message. 0 recommendations  Message 4 of 10 in Discussion 
Sent: 12/21/2004 2:12 AM
This message has been deleted by the author.

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Recommend  Message 5 of 10 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameWhispert0ascreamSent: 12/21/2004 2:17 AM
lol..okay.. i c.. ty i'm not mad.. those are type-o's. i write really fast and i dont re-read.. i'll do it next time. ur right on another thing. i should let ppl decided if they suck or not. i will keep this in mind when i post my other poems ^_^

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Recommend  Message 6 of 10 in Discussion 
From: _susan_Sent: 12/21/2004 5:16 AM
i should let ppl decided if they suck or not.
 
that phrasing leaves something to be desired.
guess working on your syntax could be a project all by its wee wee lonesome.
 
re-reading is a good idea!
then i won't have to raise my voice from a whisper to a scream..
 
s.

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Recommend  Message 7 of 10 in Discussion 
From: Bloog MandrakeSent: 12/21/2004 7:54 AM
i'm going to let the professionals handle this one.

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Recommend  Message 8 of 10 in Discussion 
From: micheleaSent: 12/22/2004 6:23 PM
If you think they suck, why would you insult us by posting them? I suggest you work and rework until you are pretty sure they don't suck and then post for critique of praise of whatever you are looking for.
 
Oh, and drop the cutsie initials. They suck.
 
m

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Recommend  Message 9 of 10 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameMajesticvision1Sent: 5/4/2005 3:06 PM
Hello, I am new to this forum but seems to me that if I wrote a poem and was not happy with it, I would not say that it sucked. I would simply ask for help in making the writing make sense and have debth and emotion. To me, that's what poetry is and that's why I write. To get out emotions so others can feel what I want them to in any particular writing. I choose stanza's to aid in this effect.  So, I took the liberty of revising and attaching this first poem that was posted in the way that I would have done it. This is merely a suggestion to help aid in the way you write my friend.........
 
 
 
 
 WALK IN MY SHOES.doc  

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Recommend  Message 10 of 10 in Discussion 
From: _susan_Sent: 5/4/2005 11:37 PM
i'd advise strongly against opening attachments in document format.
 
they can easily carry viruses - & you may not even know it.
 
for the future, please post all poems in the Message Reply Form.
 
i certainly have no intention of opening this and am seriously thinking of deletion.
you will also not get the desired replies.
in addition, for a new member -- i'd suggest a look at the current crop of poems rather than digging up old material -- especially from people who are no longer members.
 
if your aim is to disrupt this Group in any way, i would suggest you think twice about it.
Susan

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