yup me again my day started out great, i got all ready to go out to go catch my bus to walk my freinds dog... i get outside and its freezing, of course im only wearing a sweater becuas it was soo warm out yesterday i didnt even need that.. i should have checkd the weather network, anyways, yadda yaddda, i go walk the dog we had fun, then i caught the bus home.... message waiting on my phone.. from my dietitian, saying that she could see me on the 5th of april and by the way shes leaving the practice. yup once again my dietitian is up and leaving. im getting so fed up with it i just start getting used to stuff and think im doing sort of ok, and then more crap happens. she says someone else is taking over the practice but whether or not she also takes on the fee that i was paying my current one (sliding scale) i dont know yet i guess i will find out. im just really upst over the whle darn thing, i was just starting to sort of trust heather (after a year it takes me awhile)and now she is leaving.... the new person is going to be at my next appt so i guess i will meet her, and see how that goes.. but im just in such a bad space right now. been having lots of behaviours, and i wrote albert a note telling him cause i felt bad and he was like im giving it a month and a half and i thought he meant or he was gonna cancel our trip but i found out he just meant that he wants me to be happy and healthy for our trip... anwyays, and with the warmer weather now i am panicking because of course i dont have any shorts or clothes for warmer weather because of all the damn weight ive gained.. i dont care that everyone says i look "healthy now" i just see it as im fat. so anywyas, we have to go to walmart or somewhere so i can get some clothes that fit that i will be comfortable in, and im just dreading trying on stuff cuase i know when it doest fit i will be in tears and its just not going to go well. grrrrr then to top all that off i was going to make myself lunch, and i was in the freezer and i dropped a pound of hamburger on my big toe... now i know a pound doesnt seem that much but when it is frozen, and it falls on your toe, it really really hurts. my toe is twice the size it was before and part of it are purple. i can still bend it and wiggle it and put some presure (but with pain) so i dont think i broke it but it hurts like hell! leave it to me. anways, so thats been my day so far and its not even 2pm.. i was going to be helpful for albert and take out the recylcing (there is soo much) and the garbage but now with my foot i think im just gonna leave it and let him do it he can yell at me if he wants i dont care. im just really frustrated and wondering if its worth it, is it worth all the fighting and stuff.... its been almost a year since i left for treatment and i feel the same althouugh im "healthy (fat)" but i still have the same thoughts and feelings and now i know that i have gained weight and i have no clothes that fit me and i feel horrible. k im sorry to have gone on and on but as you know i really struggle with this.. been really struggling with the sh as well but miricles of miricles the news today did not trigger me into anything, except eating rice crackers instead of lunch. anywys, thanks for listening love miss big toe (i do officially hold the title of miss big toe, from 6th grade, if you want to hear the story let me know its quite funny) love me |
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