here I am at one am

wondering when my life will end

will I have accomplished something great?

plaques and certificates on my wall,

people proud of what I've done

or will I die, being a nobody

withered away in a body I can't

stand to look at or care about?

Be myself, that's what they all say

people like you for who you are, but why?

why would someone like a nobody

with no skills except for silly things

not useful for everyday life

oh yeah, I can knit a blanket,

or sew a pillow but really, who cares?

why would they want to be friends

with someone who is afraid of her own thoughts?

ambitions aplenty,

too many fears to even try.

too afraid to even attempt

to send a life of pain

for fear of failing at that too...

doomed in my own dreary existence

but trying so hard to change the thoughts...

so hard to do, because they are part of the "myself"

everyone tells me to be.

so I fake it, the happiness, the life

I have to make them think I'm ok,

because thats what they want

try to change the me that I hate

hating to change because It's "not me"

wanting to find who I really am inside...

scared as hell

what if I'm a horrible person,

the one inside of me that's real?

I dream of a life so differnt fromt eh one I have now,

and but what if the reality really is hell?

my dreams would be shattered,

my life meaningless.

who wants to purposely live in hell?

So do I be content with the hell I'm in now

and just continue on how I am thinking

"it's gonna be better" or do I try and make it better

only to find out that my mind

was really telling me the truth?

I'm going to continue on,

try my hardest to believe,

believe in my dreams of a happy healthy me

because if I don't believe in  my dreams

I don't have anything to hold on to...

and I desperately don't want to let go!

If I let go... my life will end,

fall into a bottomless pit of dispair and emptiness

that I couldn't stand, and would take that final step.

So I choose to believe.

Suzy-Lynn Veenboer

March 16, 2005