Prison

 

will these sad feelings ever go away

gone for good, not just substituted with an anger

so intense that I again turn against myself

harming my mind just as much as my body

feelings of guilt, what do I keep doing wrong

why cannot I stay in a happy space

with smiles that are real upon my face

instead of forced because that's what they want to see

a person who is happy, not the person that is right now me

 

pent up emotions, building, building

until I feel I am about to explode

and so I pick up my blade, get the quick release

and again feel the guilt of disappointing those around me

my secret stays hidden to the rest of the world

showing only to whom I can trust to understand

a shame so deep it's at the core of my being

but not knowing what to do to pull myself out

of a self imposed prison, a life of self torure

 

I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel

I am not sure it is there for me to see

so I stay where I am, hoping someone will find me

and guide me out of the dark tunnel that is hell

not made of brimstone and fire, but anxieties and fears

I've created in my own mind, that take over control

 

I want this madness to cease, I want my life back

want to come back out into the light

and see the beauty around me for what it is

to grab the golden ring and hold it tight in my hand

I want to believe in myself, want to be strong

but afraid I can't do it, I'll fall flat on my face

and once again be in the dark place

where it's all I can do to simply survive

 

angry tears fall down my cheeks yet again

for I truly cannot see the good, the end

of the madness that I have created inside

so for the moment I will choose to hide myself away

and hope someday I will be strong, be ok

 

Suzy-Lynn Veenboer

july 18th, 2007