A Captive of Thoughts

 

I feel like I am a captive, a prisoner of my thoughts

so deep and dark, a place where I don't want to be

I do not know how to escape, yet I desperatly try to flee

jump into my books, the only comfort I can find

in page I immerse myself andn am free from the chains

which are wrapped around my heart

an anger inside me, I cannot,must not let out

for it would be the end of me

so I keep running try to get away, they always find me

and my books can no longer conquer the beast inside

again and again I give into the cravings

the shiny gleaming blade, the thin red lines, the pain

a pain as sweet as honey for it helps me control my fears

knowing that I am the cause, not anyone else near

then comes the shame, of why I can't be normal, be sane

and then again give into the injury yet again

again angry tears of why I can't stop myself stop this madness

for Iknow only I can make it stop

but the temptation is so strong,the feelings of pain so sweet

and I continue again and again

I let people down, and I feel intense guilt, why won't I change

if not for me, then for them, but I cannot

I feel as if i must continue to cause the pain

for it is easier to feel the pain on my body than in my heart

the hurt there is overflowing and too much to bear

will this pain ever leave me, will I ever be ok

I won't hold my breath, but I'll still hold out for hope

 

Suzy-Lynn Veenboer

july 25th, 2007