NIGHTS
snippets of poems come into my head
torrents of words while I try to sleep in my bed
thoughts never stopping just going round and round
till I feel so exhausted I’ll fall to the ground
anger and pain and the pain I want to cause
will not get out of my thoughts
keeps me up at night thinking horrible things
and waking up is what I’ve become to dread
being aware of the stuff in my mind
is torturing my every waking moment
is this the day I will want to die
or can I survive one more of the same
the hatred I feel towards my body and self
wanting to cause myself pain so others
can see what is going on in my mind?
I feel as if I am not even living
just existing in a body I detest
but loving all the things around me
how can this be, that I can love everyone but me
I long for a time when I can be who I am
but right now I don’t even know who that is
a scared little girl, one who never grew up
or a woman who just doesn’t want to be?
how can I even have the guts to write the words
that I take the pills and use the blades
to take away the inner hurt I cannot talk about?
why cant I just be normal and be like everyone else
I know then I wouldn’t be me, but I don’t even care
I just want to know what happiness feels like
instead of the pain in my heart and the thoughts in my head
that I don’t deserve to live that I should instead be dead.
Suzy-Lynn Veenboer
March 26, 2007