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| | From:  Andyhunt74 (Original Message) | Sent: 1/19/2008 8:09 PM |
I'm sorry but I can't stop crying I have no one to talk to who wants to talk about Jacob.
My mind won't stop thinking. I've never known pain like this and I think I'm going mad.
I tried taking my own life on New Years Day but half and hour after I did it I felt as if I was being pushed in asking for help I actually felt afterwards that this isn't what Jacob wanted but I just needed to stop the pain and I wanted to be with him so much. I stayed at my parents home for two weeks after and I felt like I was getting back on track. Now I'm a mess again and can't do anyhting I stay in my pj's all day I don't sleep I'm constantly thinking of my son. You'll all understand how I feel and I'm sorry if I upset anyone I just don't know how to cope.
I'm in the middle of redecorating Jacob's room I feel it was worse and harder to deal with having his room as it was but it's still Jacobs room and Joshua's playroom.
I'm sorry to ask this but before Jacob passed I believed we all passed onto something better. Now Jacob has gone I don't know what to believe I spoken to countless mediums and 3 out of the 4 I have seen have given me vital info. that they could'nt have known. If there is somewhere else why don't I feel my son round me why won't he let me know he forgives me for not being there for him, unless he doesn't forgive me.
I'm sorry if none of this makes sense I'm rambling.
Jacobs mummy Andrea x |
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Hey Andrea,
For me and everyone it is different and also they have all lost their children in different ways, had different relationships with their kids, and different family dynamics. So i can only read what you have written and think about how i feel.
One thing i know is that the emormaty of your pain sounds like how i feel. The only escape is when i am asleep. I wish i was dead too. The only reason i need to stay here is i have another son and he deserves the best out of me he can otherwise i would be putting Timothy my son who has passed as being more important than Philip. That is it the only reason i keep puhing myself. The pain is unbearable and i feel like i am going to explode from the inside.
Timothy was 26 when he died and he had been sick with lung problems from the age of 19 - he got a blood clot and it went into his lungs - i have so many "wot ifs" about this. I think as parent guilt when something happens to your child is a natural thing. Even when something happened to them at school or they got a cold i would think" i should have" something to stop them from having something bad happen to them.
Guilt is crippling, and i should have taken Tim to another transplant centre, i should not have allowed or supported his marriage because his new wife made bad choices and she was his new next of kin. i should have made him go to the doctor earlier, i should have not moved him to another school and then maybe he would not have been in the situation to get a clot. I should have stayed longer with him after he passed. I should have done more to get overseas medications . i can think of over 100 reasons for me to have changed what happened.
I think no matter what had happened you as a parent have always been responsible for this child and you will take their death as being partly if not all your fault - i think it is a natural instinctive thing to do. This might be natural but it is not right to do this, things happen that are COMPLETELY out of our control! Even if they are not then you make the decisions you make at the time in the situation and it is always easy to go back with clearer eyes and hours of thought behind you and say you should have done this. But you cannot and you have to look after yourself in honour of your child. They have lost their life and i have mine - Timothy would be so mad at me for being miserable and alive!
I know this sounds so simple and it is not, i am struggling every day, i hate living, i feel no joy at all, i pretend for my other son. But i will keep do that for him, i am an empty shell and i am hoping that one day i will feel a little better.
Yesterdayi found a coke bottle in the cupboard, the morning Tim died we new he was going to die that day- and that was torture, people say also that we are lucky to have said goodbye but i would give that up in a heart beat for Tim to not know he was going to die, i saw the fear in his eyes and it will be with me forever. but anyway i found this coke bottle and he said " mum i just would love a drink of coke before i die today" ( he was on fluid restrictions) so i went and got the coke and he drank about half of it......when he died a grabbed the coke before a nurse took it and put it in my handbag, i just wanted to keep it for some reason - his last drink" anyway when i found it in the cupboard i was back in that morning and i fell to the floor on the study and wailed and cried and vomited and if i could have died i would have easily - just free me of this pain PLEASE. this was only the daybefore yesterday.
If i died it would kill my mother becuase she too would have lost a child, my son Philip would hate Tim for losing me, i thought of all the repercussions of my death. Philip almost resents Tim as it is because i am changed and he to is in pain. So it is best for my family if i can endure this and live with it somehow. That is what i have figured out. It is best for ME to be gone but i will put and have always put my family first. Thats is the only way through it for me and talking to people on this site who KNOW almost exactly how you feel. i am sure we all think the same thoughts from time to time here.
Sorry about the rambling disjointed email , but i just typed as i thought. YOU are very important to your family and YOU cannot change what has happend. but YOU can change how it affects the people you love the most and that is what i am trying to do, and it is not easy, and somedays i can't... somedays i can.... somedays i can do both.
Love, light and hugs to you from me
Annie - Tims mum in Australia
PS - i do not feel anything of Timothy around me at all and he had a brilliant mind, i was sure i would and he would find away to connect with me from where ever he is.... But i think the amount of pain i carry blocks everything out, the pain is too big to let anything else in, to feel anything else. Maybe when the pain lessens a little something else will have room to come into my life, i just have t wait it out. i send you love.
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Hi Annie
Thanks for your message. It has helped me as I have another son who is nearly two and I keep saying he doesn't need me as much as Jacob did with Jacob having cerebral palsy. My son Joshua has been very clingy lately and I forget that even though he is young he still misses his brother. I talk to Joshua about Jacob but I don't know if this is the right thing to do as I may be confusing him, but I don't want him to forget he has an older brother.
When I put Joshua to bed I'll say lets say goodnight to Jacob and he waves at the stars. I'm worried I'm going to screw him up.
Your right there are lots of reasons that you can think of as to why this happened to all of us. I suppose I'm all over the place as Jacob could'nt speak and I don't really know how he felt about things. He was ill for two months prior to his passing and I had him at the hospital constantly trying to find out what was wrong and nobody knew. There are a lot of what if's. I keep telling myself that Jacob was my special child and I should have lost him at birth but god heard our prayers and thankfully I got to spend 3 years with him.
I'm so sorry about Timothy. I am so proud of Jacob like I'm sure you are of Timothy for all that they endured. I'm determined to make Jacob proud of me I'm changing my career as I feel I've wasted my life prior to my children, to that of helping children with special needs as I feel I need to pass on everything I learned with having Jacob to someone else. Maybe then when I've learned the lesson I'm here to learn I'll be reunited with him.
Timothy, you and your family are united with Jacob in my prayers. |
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| | | From: MomOf4 | Sent: 1/21/2008 11:54 PM |
(((((Dear Andrea))))) There is no need to appologize...we are here for you, to listen and cry with you...you are not alone. No, dear, you are not going mad...but, I know it does seem like it sometimes.....it is good that you had your parents and were able to stay there..but, I can tell you from experience that two weeks is not nearly enough time to even begin to 'get back on track'. Healing takes time.....lots of time.... As for the medium thing....I don't put much faith in things like that. I do believe that your precious Jacob is in a wonderful place. And, he is in no pain and his little body is whole and healthy....and he is happy.....I believe this of all small children when they die. God takes care of the little children. He will take care of us.....if we obey him and allow him to take care of us. If it were not for my faith....I don't know what I would have done.....God got me through it...and, I believe that if you do take your own life....you will not go where Jacob is...and you would not want that...... It is good that you said you want to make Jacob proud of you....I know he already is......as long as you go on and do the best you can and be the best you can be. (((Annie))) Your reply was very powerful and full of emotion....and exactly right.......I can almost feel your pain as you fell to the floor......(and I don't blame you for giving Tim the coke...I would have done the same thing) Neither of you dear ladies really want to die.....you just want the pain to stop......we all do.....and pray for peace and gentle healing for you both. Love and hugs....Rean |
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Hi Andrea,
i think Philip needs me more now than Timothy ever did and Timothy was the one that was sick. Otherwise Philip will be emotionally stuffed forever and that is going to ripple down through the generations that we have started and you have started with your beautiful Joshua. Who will one day be responsible for his own kids - and he is going to learn to do that from you :)
Even though we have had these kids that have needed extra it is now time to focus on the ones that are left. Angels are caring for Tim and Jacob and Tim and Jacob are going to be caring for us. We really do owe these kids that have had to miss out on things in the past and ensure they grow to be emotionally healthy people and one day we will have hapy grandkchildren because we put so much energ into helping our kids that are still here heal.
I believe that it wil be a big part of our own healing as well. Not that i can even imagine healing...but i have to think like that or i may as well jump off the planet now.
But i hear you and i have had 22 mths of thinking - all day and all night and Philip deserves the best that i can give him and your Joshua sounds like a sparkle in your life too .
Love and Hugs
Annie - having a bit of a rough day today too :(
oh yeah - all the questions you look skyward and ask , i ask the same things....... no answers....for the first time ever i have had to accept the unaccetable in order to live..... i am not good at it at all.
I like answers, i like reasons, i like order and things to be justified - what has happened has gone against everything that i live by. My whole belief system has been turned upside down.
yesterday an old school friend lost her 19yr old son in a car accident and last year my nephew was elcectrocuted at 26, 4 weeks ago a young lady died at 19 from the same thing as Tim had, late last year a friend i met on the net lost her 7 yr olld with the same thing, I guess it is important also to remember we have not been singled out and feel like we are being dealt a blow that we deserve or because we did not do something. If you become pregnant then you take the chance that it is not going to be a fairy tale ending - i did not know this until Tim got sick.
I look at Philip and often think just because i lost Tim does not mean i won;t lose Philip too, what happens if i don't give him %150 and he has an accident? i just have to keep giving myself reality checks...Philip could also lose a child one day = it seems to happen far too much and we at least have all found each other and for that i am grateful -
more hugs to you and all of us here and i do realise that some of us here have lost more than one child - and i just shake me head at the thought of such great losses and how you can even turn around and give us all here so much love and support.
more hugs and love
Annie
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hi i don't know what has happen with you but i'm hear for you i lossed my son tommy at the age of 39 from a heartattack right in my kitcken chair . you have every right to mourn for your son you need to in order to heal but i belive he will always be with you in your heart i feel my tommy sometimes if you want you can email me or reply back to me about your loss.my tommy died on june 23rd in 2003 and he was my only child i had tommy when i was 16years old we grew uo together you might say he gave me 2granddaughters and now i have a greatgrandson name tommy also he is going to be twoon june25 kind of odd wouldn't you think.well i hope to hear from you and please try to stop crying and just think of all the happy times so you dont make your self sick ok? your friend sandy boulden heartandsoul6042 |
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