Boy can I relate.  My daughter will be 18 soon.  She has returned home from a residential treatment center she lived at for 2 years.  Before that were several stints in mental hospitals and running away until she got herself in a lock up facility for the past 2 years.

 

She is diagnosed with oppositional defiance, anxiety disorder, and probable Borderline Personality disorder.  They are reluctant to put that label on teenagers.  Narcisism is another label frequently made about her.

 

The car story reminded me of a drive to a new therapist about 4 years ago.  I left work early and raced home to get her to this appt.  She wouldn't get in the car sao I bribed her with $20.  She got in but wouldn't do up her seatbelt.  I hadn't even left the neighborhood and she was screaming "f...you" in my ear. As this was takinjg place, I drove right through a stop sign on this quiet street.  The cop rilght behind me gave me a ticket that cost $500.  He wasan't interested in my problem.

 

I have been to tough love, conferences, countless therapists with her, called the cops after she punched me in the arm and cornered me in the garage as I was storing the contents of her bedroom.  Her room was covered in candy wrappers, crumpled homework, tampons, cat litter...sorry, too graphic...so I'd grab the opportunity to bleach her floor and empty her room when she was gone.  If I knocked and attempted to enter her room, she'd shove me through the door and corner me to yell in my ear.

 

4 years later, she has made some gains since school.  In the past, she would dump her food if my food touched hers, or I touched her plate.  She would empty the fridge after a shopping trip and waste packaged food after ashe had eaten as much as she could.  Today, she will actually sit on my bed to chat once in a while.  She can be very sweet occasionally, but generally it's when she wantsa sojmething from me.  I haven't had scissors held up to my eye, or the computer lifted over my head in quite some time.  I have learned 2 things in dealing with her.

 

1) For me, it works best to avoid any and all power struggles.  She loves a good battle.  I refuse to engage.  When she's screacming obscenities at me, I walk away.  When I drivcew her to the bus early morning, we are able to agree to just not talk at all.  She can warn me.  I shut up. 

 

2) She has an anxiety disorder. The worst crises were in times of her stress.  For example, she threatened to stab out my eyes and smash my head in with the desk top the night of 8th grade graduation.  She was panicing because she couldn't find her hair ties.  I came in to her room to help her look and she freaked out.

 

She used to remove all the door knobs in the house after I switched back her bedroom door to the non lock variety. (6th grade)  Today, she has shoved her dresser in front of her door and uses the ladder to climb in and out of her room.  This may be ousy parenting on my part, but I pick my battles..and it really cuts down on the mess in the kitchen.

 

She doesn't cut anymore. 

 

I no longer look to guilt myself for her problems.  I love her deeply.  I know a few friends I respect who are going through similar struggles.  I work with kids for my profession.  Thank heavens my other child is an incredible person.  My friend's N son is her only child.