Hi Sonia,
Like you, I am older - late fifties with son's in their late
thirties. And like you, my parents were horrifically
narcissistic/psychopathic. Unlike you, I broke contact with my
parents early on, forbidding them contact with my sons. But that
didn't protect me from the fallout of my family's dysfunction nor did it
insulate my children. I'd married what was familiar - a man who was
narcissistic - and so ended up putting my children at risk anyway. It
took me many years to understand the role my parents had assigned
me.
I joined this particular group a few months ago because the
narcissistic and BPD behaviors of my youngest son and his wife have
taken a toll on me (I've had to suffer their crap as a condition of maintaining
a relationship with my grandson). What I discovered, though, is
that most of the members of this group are the parents of much younger kids
(mostly teens) and are, on the whole, reluctant to share that they themselves
were in (or are in) relationships with narcissists/psychopaths.
That's understandable; none of us easily accepts that
we did things or are doing things - however innocently or well intended - that
contribute to an at-risk child becoming narcissistic or
psychopathic. I mean, it's hard enough to manage an uncomplicated
life let alone process complicity and remorse while living in the
middle of chaos. But some of us seek to heal from the inside out,
acknowledging that to truly parent, we must first reconcile
the roots of our personal dysfunction and squarely face in what ways
our narcissistic, psychopathic, or borderline parents groomed us
to serve as vehicles who transport these disorders into
future generations.
Without denying that this child-focused group has merit, I have joined
another more active group that focuses on recovery from relationships with
Ns. There is no lock-safe way but as much as possible, it is closed
to narcissists themselves. Please read their home page for more
specifics.
I feel sad for you, Sonia. I know the humiliation and fear of having
really disturbed/dangerous parents. And I also know the guilt that
seeps in when we realize in maturity that some of our decisions impacted
our kids in ways unimaginable. But... I also know that by reaching out,
you are on a path to healing the brokenness that has kept you in
bondage to other peoples agendas.
Remember, your life is meant for Blessing.
Take care of yourself.
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