Your life story made me cry,you have been through so much and do not deserve any of it.I think sometimes we look for answers as to why our children did this or that but sometimes I believe there are no answers.As hard as it is, you must accept what is and stop asking why.You are such a brave person.Stop blaming yourself, children are born like this and I believe it is genetic so there is nothing you could have done.It has nothing to do with you as a person, they are just like that and would have been no matter how you were with them.As difficult as it is,you are at least free of them and you must now live your life.You obviously have so much to give.Please take care and dont ever give up on yourself.  Kel