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| | | From: Josephine (Original Message) | Sent: 1/11/2004 4:51 AM |
Don't ask me why I can't stop - Why I plead crave cry - How can you? it's an ecstacy you've never known - The quick, deep breath the sharp pin prick the sigh the smile very life pulsing - an ecstasy I pray you'll never know the empty room the many people the hot the cold prayer for a continued rush - Don't ask me why I don't stop won't stop Why I rock shiver moan - One more time and one more time and one more time just once more I can stop when I want to which isn't yet |
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Hi Joanne,
I think alot of men and young men are afraid of posting
here because they are afraid of there feelings or showing there feeling.
Sorry Marco. You are an exception. If it wasnt for ranting, raving,
questioning things i wouldnt have my sanity today. And i think it helps to
ask questions and learn, learn, learn. We all need to know we are not
alone that there are other people out there going thru the same things we are
and how they tackled the problems. Tell Chris i am keeping him in my
prayers. Love Karen
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Thursday, January 15, 2004 11:27
AM
Subject: Re: the fever
the
fever
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| From: Sprainedmybrain |
Hi Josephine,
To answer your question about whether Chris is a member or
posted anything, to my knowledge he hasn't. I have been
encouraging him to post as I know he comes in and reads what
everyone has to share. And I've also been trying to
encourage my husband to do the same. This site has really
saved what was left of my sanity, just in all the insight and
knowledge I've found here. I guess, to each his own,
right? I'm hoping in time, they will both take advantage
and ask questions or share what they think, feel etc.
One thing I've learned for certain, I can't force anything
on anyone and in my past attempts, its only made the person
resist all the more. Chalk it up to human nature.
So, I'm taking care of me right now and hoping to catch my
second wind so I can better deal with whatever else is in my
future....
Love,
Joanne | |
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Josephine,
We can be emphathectic to each others feeling and help
each other along the way. I am so so sorry for your loss of your
husband and your children. If you ever want to share them with
me i am here for you. Keep your head up, Love Karen
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, January 14, 2004 11:38
PM
Subject: Re: the fever
the
fever
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| From: Josephine |
You're very welcome, and thank you for the
compliment.
I cannot tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I
lost my husband and both of my children prior to my addiction
experiece, and I know how heart wrentching it is.
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Dear Joanne,
When Chris is feeling weak ask him to go into the H of H
website and read some of the old posts from me , and see what losing a son is
like for a mother. It may just make him think or i hope it does. I
have deduced (is that a word?) some traits that addicts have and i could be
wrong but i dont think so.
They are intelliegent ( too smart for there own good),
sensitive ( i swear gino wore his heart on his sleeve), somehow dont feel like
they fit it ( drugs help them with that), and so so wise way beyond there
years. Gino was a man of few words but what he said was golden. I
use to look at him and i could actually see the wheels spinning in his
head. I have been having a hard time lately with missinggggggggggggggg
Gino so much. It is probally being cooped up in the house.
Gino had a uncle ( my brother) who has down syndrome and
from the very first time he layed eyes on Paul he loved him. He never
treated him any different and it was a joy to see.
As for having more children we have been there and
done that and i sometimes would blame having two more children when the first
two were almost teenagers as part of the problem. Yada yada the guilt
thing again. But i have been truely blessed and love my children
immensly. Hope things continue to go well for CHris and hope he reads some
of my old post. Love Kare
P.S. They are truely honest and from the heart,and i
smoke pot sometimes to help with the pain and issolation, hope you dont think i
am a hypocrite
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Friday, January 16, 2004 12:12
PM
Subject: Re: the fever/Joanne
the
fever/Joanne
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| From: Sprainedmybrain |
Hey Karen!
Ain't that the truth! I agreed with everything you
said and its my hope that I can somehow help men
feel more comfortable in relaying their feelings.
Chris told me the other day after reading some of the poems here
that he started his whole journey into drugs "not to
feel". Which only tells me that he was feeling a lot and
did not have the tools to express them. In talking to each
other (prompted by the poems) now, we are both discovering
some key things that happened that made him not want to
feel - painful things. And understanding the why's and
how's are healing for us.
He is a loner and shy by nature and his cousin who is one
year older and whom he idolized moved Chris's freshman
year. Also, my brother and his family had to move to
Seattle to seek better children's medical care for their
daughter who had been born with a rare form of dwarfism.
She was not expected to live past one year and she's five now
and kicking ass. She is so bright and has overcome so
many obstacles. Wise beyond her years.
Chris adored all three of his younger cousins and had no
problem showing his love for them. I took care of both of
the first two after they were born - inhome daycare - and we had
such a bond. Especially with the second boy, Joey. I had
him since he was 1 month old (and until he was 3 when they had
to move) and interestingly enough, he looks so much like my
kids, especially has a baby/toddler. Both Dani and Chris
had wanted me to have another baby but for medical reasons,
I couldn't. So Joey fulfilled that desire for both of
them...as well as Mark and I. We just love kids so
much.
When they had to move, we all went through such
grief. Its only now that we are discovering all the
fall-out from that move. I cried and holed up in my room
for three days. I didn't want Chris and Danielle to see how at a
loss I was, and therefore I missed how painful it was for
them. Dani was very upfront with her pain but Chris just
stuffed it all inside.
So, when I see some of these men in HOH sharing their
feelings and experiences and providing each other with such
support and understanding, I know how difficult it is for them
and just have to applaud their ability to conquer those stupid
myths that men don't cry, share etc.
And thank you for keeping Chris in your prayers. That
means the world to me, to have people I have not even met take
us into their lives, thoughts and prayer's. It may seem
like a small thing but for me, its huge! Keep it up and
maybe we can get Chris in here too. I just know how
healing and helpful (has been for me!). It
would do the same for him but I know he has to go at
his own pace.
Love,
Joanne | |
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Karen - I don't think anyone could think you were a hipocrite. Losing a child is not easy, adn I don't see smoking pot for releif as being any different than going and getting a script for prozac. You should be proud that you are doing as well as you are. I don't know when Gino died, but I didn't ger out of bed for several months after I lost my family. and now that I'm up again, you can see the sparkiling things I'm doing with my life. Ha - it's a joke, get it? :) Josie |
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Josephine,
Can i ask how you lost your family? I think that i
use to live in lala land for years. I didnt have a problem or pain so
nobody else did either. I just didnt see all of the suffering around
me. Now i am just so empathetic and sensitive to other people, to a
fault i think sometimes.
Gino's angel day was Oct,23m 2002. He just had
turned 25 and that was a huge number for him. He thought that he wasted
his whole life and that he should of been in a different place by now. He
had just gotten a grant to go back to school and the judge put him on an
electronic tether for 6 month.
It was a wake up call for me. I thought that there
was no way i could go on. I was actually pissed at him, i wasnt ready to
give up on him. HOW THE HELL CAN HE GIVE UP YET WHEN WE HAVENT EXHAUSTED
ALL OF THE AVENUES???
I then had a complete breakdown from the last few years of
stress. Couldnt eat, couldnt sleep, couldnt think, I didnt get off
the couch for three months.
The weird thing is i crocheted 14 afghans while i sat
there numb. My husband would go out and buy my yarn for me. I called
them my love blankets and i gave them all away to people that have helped me
thru. I will never crochet another friggin afghan as long as i live
lmao. Then my husband finally dragged me to the doctor where my blood
pressure was so high i was ready for a stroke. Was put on valium every 8
hours for two months, I was so afraid of addiction because i had always
smoked pot and knew i liked it. Cut down on them when my anti-depressants
started working, got off the couch and started living again. It has been
15 months and along road but i will get there.
I will not stop trying to encourage people to seek
treatment and to support them in that effort.
That is why i feel pot is hypocritical. I also have
a 14 year old and a 11 year old and i would die if they ever found me
smoking. I think we spend half of our lives fighting with our heads and
the other half trying to figure out why. lmao. Well i hope you have a
awesome day and try to be happy if just for today. Love Karen
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Sunday, January 18, 2004 4:10
AM
Subject: Re: the fever/Joanne
the
fever/Joanne
Reply
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| From: Josephine |
Karen -
I don't think anyone could think you were a
hipocrite. Losing a child is not easy, adn I don't see
smoking pot for releif as being any different than going and
getting a script for prozac. You should be proud that you
are doing as well as you are. I don't know when Gino died,
but I didn't ger out of bed for several months after I lost my
family. and now that I'm up again, you can see the
sparkiling things I'm doing with my life. Ha - it's a
joke, get it? :)
Josie | |
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Karen - No, I don't mind at all if you ask. In fact, it's a waringing I give to a lot of people who have a lot to live for. I lost Robert, my husband, in a round about way to addiction. We had some issues in our marriage, and as a result, I began doing things to piss him off intentionally. They were little things, but little things add up. He was actively using at that time, and I would have been, too, if I weren't pregnant with my son. The time came when I pushed him too far, and in a drug-crazed moment, he loaded Joni into the car and took on a moving truck. For people whose reality doesn't include addiction, I tend to say that they were killed in a car accident, but it was suicide, and all of us around him knew it. Bad times. Two months after that, I went into premature labor with my son, who was not at a gestational age that was, and I quote, "compatible with life". They found that I'd had an abruption, so I also lost the ability to conceive any future children. You probably can tell that that's the short version - but there is basically it. |
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Reply
| | | From: Marco | Sent: 1/22/2004 12:26 AM |
Hey Josephine: Thanks for sharing that with us (Shit, I REALLY hate 'thanks for sharing,' it makes me wanna puke and I can't believe I even wrote that, but I don't know what else to say). Actually I don't really know what to say to you- I can not even begin to imagine how you feel. It's like anything I say would be really trite and I don't wanna go there. I'd like to say: things will get better if you give it time, but I know, trite. Or, you've got to go thru all the grieving process, etc., and again, trite. I just don't know what to say other than I really, really feel for you. I may be out of line here, and if so, just let me know, but I get the sense that you kind of feel that there isn't anything worth living for anymore. And I wish I could help you see that there is, but I don't know how to do that. So all I can really say is that even though I don't know you, I do care about you and don't wanna see anything bad happen to you. Be careful with the stuff your playing around with now. I'm afraid your playing a dangerous game. Guess that's all I can think of to say right now. Marco |
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Oh Josephine,
I am so so sorry for what you have had to endure. I
thought my world ended the day Gino died. I didnt want to go on but i
didnt want to end it either, I just didnt give a shit about
anything. It was thru this group and another group that i learn about all
the guilt i was holding in was destroying me. Does that make any
sense? There are so many awful things happening to such good people that
we spend all of our time trying to figure out why? I have to trust that it
is for a reason and it will all make sense in the end. I know if it wasnt
for Gino death i dont think i would of taken the time to really know him.
WHat was in his heart and in his soul. Threw his addiction i learned to
love unconditionally. And i am a much more emphathetic person because of
it. Have you gotten any counseling since you lost your husband and
children? That is such a heavy cross to bear. The problem i have
found is with some of the damn therapist. If i could have MIchelle i would
be thrilled.
She has been under the weather lately but i am sure you
will meet her. She is our group therapist.
I also think Marco;s post to you was awesome and so
sincere. . Keep posting and venting and writing, writing, writing,
it helps immensly, Hugs Karen
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Tuesday, January 20, 2004 6:46
PM
Subject: Re: the fever/Joanne
the
fever/Joanne
Reply
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| From: Josephine |
Karen -
No, I don't mind at all if you ask. In fact, it's a
waringing I give to a lot of people who have a lot to live
for. I lost Robert, my husband, in a round about way to
addiction. We had some issues in our marriage, and as a
result, I began doing things to piss him off
intentionally. They were little things, but little things
add up. He was actively using at that time, and I would
have been, too, if I weren't pregnant with my son.
The time came when I pushed him too far, and in a
drug-crazed moment, he loaded Joni into the car and took on a
moving truck. For people whose reality doesn't include
addiction, I tend to say that they were killed in a car
accident, but it was suicide, and all of us around him knew
it. Bad times. Two months after that, I went into
premature labor with my son, who was not at a gestational age
that was, and I quote, "compatible with life". They found
that I'd had an abruption, so I also lost the ability to
conceive any future children.
You probably can tell that that's the short version - but
there is basically
it. | |
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Josephine
Havent heard anything from you in a few days. Is
everything o.k. with you? Send me or us here a note to know you are
o.k. Keeping you in my thoughts Hugs Karen
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Tuesday, January 20, 2004 6:46
PM
Subject: Re: the fever/Joanne
the
fever/Joanne
Reply
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| From: Josephine |
Karen -
No, I don't mind at all if you ask. In fact, it's a
waringing I give to a lot of people who have a lot to live
for. I lost Robert, my husband, in a round about way to
addiction. We had some issues in our marriage, and as a
result, I began doing things to piss him off
intentionally. They were little things, but little things
add up. He was actively using at that time, and I would
have been, too, if I weren't pregnant with my son.
The time came when I pushed him too far, and in a
drug-crazed moment, he loaded Joni into the car and took on a
moving truck. For people whose reality doesn't include
addiction, I tend to say that they were killed in a car
accident, but it was suicide, and all of us around him knew
it. Bad times. Two months after that, I went into
premature labor with my son, who was not at a gestational age
that was, and I quote, "compatible with life". They found
that I'd had an abruption, so I also lost the ability to
conceive any future children.
You probably can tell that that's the short version - but
there is basically
it. | |
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Still here - just haven't been online in a few days, I guess. I've been busy with putting some things together for my editor, I guess. I just popped in so that my email doesn't overflow. I just don't like to post so much when I'm feeling down, kinda feels like I'm going to drag everyone else down as well. |
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Reply
| | | From: Marco | Sent: 1/24/2004 6:47 PM |
Hey Josephine- Don't worry about bringing other people down. The best time to post is when you're feeling down. A good part of what this site is about is just being a place to vent as well as a place to get support when you are feeling down. So- dump it all on us, that's what we're here for. Marco |
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| This message has been deleted due to termination of membership. |
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Hi Josephine.
I have had you on my minds for the whole weekend.
Your last post made me so sad. I know what it is like to go on line when
you are feeling down. For me though it is the opposite. I usually
post more and sit and cry. It helps me to write. If i dont, i
have so much pent up inside i feel like i am going to explode.
WHen i saw your picture i got a strange feeling that i
have seen you before or maybe your clone. WHere are you from? I am
from MIchigan. Friggin Freezing Michigan. Hope today goes well for
you and dont remember to post when you are feeing down, it might help.
Hugs Karen
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Saturday, January 24, 2004 4:19
AM
Subject: Re: the fever/Josephine
the
fever/Josephine
Reply
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| From: Josephine |
Still here - just haven't been online in a few days, I
guess.
I've been busy with putting some things together for my
editor, I guess. I just popped in so that my email doesn't
overflow. I just don't like to post so much when I'm
feeling down, kinda feels like I'm going to drag everyone else
down as
well. | |
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