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Hi.... I was over in the Weimer area again today and wrote down the name of the golf course.

Here is the link to the town's website, with information about it. Unfortunately they do not have a pic of the course, but it is really pretty.

I know as things stand you won't be coming to visit or anything, I just wanted you to know about it since it's not on a road you would normally travel. I would imagine golfers are always on the lookout for someplace to play.

http://www.discoverweimar.com/np_recreation_.html

Also...

I drove up to the Smithville area to go to that Alum Creek shopping place..(which is not any good anymore), and saw another antique place instead, and came across a place you might like, Old West Merchantile. It was closed the day I saw it, but looked through the windows and saw lots of nice stuff. It's on Hwy 71, on the right when going towards Austin. Past Smithville. They don't have a web site. So, next time you go to Michael's you might want to be on the look out for it. You'll see a rounded tin building, housing antiques... and the OWM store is on the same side of the road as that building, but across from it in a different business building.

And... I didn't plan this when I started writing, but, I might as well talk about our divorce now too.

I know you are busy with work etc, but I am hoping we can get things done, and the divorce final before April...before our anniversary if possible. It depends on how long it takes to get all the legal information needed, including the retirement figures.

I'm having second thoughts though about doing all this without my consulting a lawyer. I'm sure you have already obtained some information from a few sources, including others who have been through the divorce process. I have not gotten any information from anyone...and that's really pretty stupid on my part I think.

I keep thinking about you marrying someone else and her getting what I put in 30 years for...and as a typical female it does not make me feel good.

So I'm going to check into seeing if I can just talk to one for a consultation about what my rights are. It would be worth the few hundred dollars it would cost for an hour of his/her time.

I know we can't afford to have it actually handled by lawyers in court,... I just want to make sure I am not being totally stupid about this and that I'm not getting taken in the process. I have no desire whatsoever to take you... I just don't want to be laughed at behind my back for not at least being smart enough to protect what is rightfully mine... if anything even is.

You could remarry, and then something happen just a couple of months later, and she'd get it all,.. retirement, your life insurance, and the house, and that does not sit right with me. I don't know if I can live with that Robin. I basically gave up my life, and did without too many things over the years to just hand it over to another woman like that. So I want to ask a lawyer about it. I prefer you live another 20 or 30 years. But if something happened to you and you had not been married long and she got all that, I'd be pretty pissed off...after all the time I invested.

If nothing comes of the consultation, I'll be fine with that. I just want to make the decisions from an informed position, and not blindly give away to your next wife something I should possibly be entitled to.

So, because I don't like the idea of your next wife getting the house, I'm not even sure about signing over the house either, but maybe remain joint-owners instead. Just to keep it for the kids and Ethan if something happens to you.

We could not both be happy in the house at the same time, because we had different ideas about what to do with it...and I basically could not do any of the things I wanted to do, inside or outside. But if something happened to you anytime soon, (which I do not want it to) and I could do the house and yard all my way, my taste, and my style, I could easily be happy to live there. So I'm wondering, why should I throw that home security away? And if you should go before I do, and I have the house, then Ethan could continue coming to his "MeMaw and PaPaws" house. If your next wife gets the house, then the kids and Ethan lose it all. That just does not sit well with me at all.

My goal: Whatever it takes to keep her from getting it. Maybe I'll sign my half over to Shanna or something like that even? Or maybe you need only stipulate somehow that your future wife does not inherit the house at all. I don't know what the Texas law is about things like this.

If we leave the deed as is, and remain co-owners, (if that is even possible ? ) I have no desire to be involved in anything about the house, although, as legal half owner, I'd be legally responsible for half the taxes and Bar X dues, and I'd be glad to pay my half each year. I just want to stay on the deed mainly to keep her from getting it, and to make sure Ethan and the kids have access to it, and to take care of my own security in the future.

I know the lawyer will want to know about the retirement, so I will wait till I have that information before I talk to one. After I get it, I'll make an appointment with someone, and if there's anything to reconsider, we'll talk it out and take it from there.

I very well might not get anything at all.. and I'm ok with that Robin.

I just am not ok with my being stupid enough to hand it over to another woman on a silver platter, no questions asked, without even first checking to see what my legal rights are.

So.. for now, just waiting for the retirement info, then we can move forward after that.

We don't have to go through the stages in sequence. We can skip a stage or go through two or three simultaneously.

We can go through them in different time phases. The dead battery could take maybe 5 to 10 minutes, the loss of a parking space 5 to 10 seconds. A traumatic event which involves the Criminal Justice System can take years

I am angry June... but I'm not completely clear on exactly who I am angry at nor what I am most angry about. There is so much to be angry about.

The painful part of being angry is I've never allowed myself to show my anger much over the years. Except in private...when I'd throw a wale of a temper fit and bust things. I'm not in a place where I can safely do anything like that without being heard. And I just can't allow myself to let it out yet. I do know I need to though, eventually.

I can't get angry at him right now... it's not safe, financially. So I keep things kept turned down, subdued...biding my time. I can't afford to cross him in any way right now. And I'm sure he is thinking the exact same thing...keep me happy and pacified so that I don't get mad and decide to skin him alive financially etc. So we're pretty much playing cat and mouse with each other I'm sure. At least I know I am. And so instead of anger, I instead let myself feel pain, sorrow, and hurt. Those are "safe" things to express...and won't cost me anything in the long run.

My main long term goal is that no matter the cost... I refuse to allow myself to spoil things by doing or saying anything to make him choose to be the enemy in any way. Mostly because I refuse to cost my children the priviledge of being able to enjoy time with us together on family occassions. And if anything should change that... HE will be the bad guy that caused it, not me. I'll bite my tongue till it bleeds to make sure of it if necessary.

I did get in a wonderful parting shot earlier in an e-mail exchange with him...

Hello.....sorry that my info was wrong. I was told that they were going to stop doing the counseling, maybe they changed their minds. Sorry you were upset. Soooooooo, you next marriage huh? Meet someone, or just preparing? You deserve to be happy, and I know you will be. Just because you were married to a jerk doesn't mean you can't be happy with someone else. Just be careful if you do start seeing someone, there are alot of bad people out there, ones who seem nice but then turn out to be really bad. That is one of my major concerns with you being on your on, is getting caught up with some asshole who will mistreat you, I couldn't stand that, so please be careful. I still care for you and worry about you.

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Hi, Yes, I've been meaning to let you know that I did change my mind and decided I do want to date again... eventually.

I suddenly realised I was ready to let go of the past and that i owed it to myself to get out there again.

And also, seeing that cd, and C.R's signature and realizing that your relationship with her had consisted of more contact than I had been led to believe...and knowing that she could only fall in love with you because of things you had said and done with her, or done to her killed the last bit of us I had been holding onto. And cutting myself free made it easier to consider dating someone some day. I listened to her cd in the truck... lots of love messages on there being sent to you.

And with her feeling that way about you Robin it's not fair to her for you to have me on your worry list. Please let go, and give her your full attention now.   God is my protector. It's time for you to release yourself from that job. I release you from it.

We'll always be friends, and share things with and about the kids and grandkids...but that is all that is left now.

Take care,

Laurie

-----------------------------------------------------

I know that God is your protector, but I will still worry about you. 30 years is a long time to try and just turn something off, you will always be special to me. Again, just please be careful!

yours, Robin

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? You say that, yet it was seemingly easy for you to turn off your love and seek after someone else.  That doesn't make me sound very special Robin.... so you should be able to also turn off the idea that you are to care and protect. Let it all go Robin.. all of it. It's time.

And not to worry.   I know enough to be careful.

Bye

You don't need to reply to this... I just need to talk it out, please.

It's Sunday, a wonderful sunny day, fixing to go to some near-by towns....and I'm missing you being here to enjoy it with.

I know it's over, I know "we" are over, I know we no longer make each other happy, I know we no longer fit together, I know you've found others to date and be with and are interested in and happy to be with in all ways.. And yet, here I sit, thinking of you, missing you, crying, hurting, enduring the loss of the parts of "us" that were good. I miss laying my head on your chest. I miss feeling your arms around me. I miss your touch. I miss your kisses.

They say in the books that we need to "feel" our pain, and then we can release it. I guess I've been doing that a lot the last month... and found I had a lot of repressed pain to let out... things I'd just buried I guess... turned things off and.... made myself numb to it. It hurts terribly to feel the pain...to really experience it... the gut wrenching, want to throw up kind of pain. And yet I want to go into my future healed, well, and whole.. and so I make myself feel it and cry it out.

And from the process I'm finding something else. As I feel it and release it, I'm also coming back "awake" in some way... the parts of me that I had made numb to keep myself from "feeling" are being exerienced and sensed and felt.

In the past I had no idea what people were talking about when I would read their words to "imagine the feel, sight, smell, or taste". I never could do that before. Now I can. And the first time that it happened to me... it was of you. Your naked body.

It almost frightened me because it was so REAL...you were so real. I could feel your skin in my mind. I could touch you in my mind. It was as if you were in the room with me. I was just laying in bed crying the other night....not really thinking about anything, just feeling the pain be released, and all of sudden...there you were. My inner desires must have conjured you up.

I didn't realise I had closed off so much of myself, until my senses started coming back awake. And the wonderful thing is, it's not 'imagination'... it's memory of all the physical senses that were experienced in the past ... real memory of you, of us together, how you felt to my hands when I'd touch you all over.

Before that night, for years so much of my "memory" capacity was a blank... because I had my senses shut down to protect myself from the pain. When we stop or block the pain... we stop and block the good stuff as well. And so to feel the good feelings I had to be willing to feel the bad as well. The realistic images I've had of you have been well worth the pain and tears. I have them now to fill the empty physical places you no longer fill. And I'm glad for that. It means the "good" is not gone forever, the good is not lost. And there was much good Robin... so very good. And I thank you for that.

As I said... I know we're over. I'm not trying to start anything up. I don't have in me the things you need to make you happy with a woman, not really. We're too different. I'm much too independent minded...and need time by myself too much to be able to make you happy. You need someone to be with you more than I can be. Yet, I'm human. And on beautiful sunny days... I think of you...and then feel the pain of you not being here to enjoy the day with. And then other times... so grateful to be here alone as well, uninterrupted, unstopped in any way to do the things I want to do.

Late the other afternoon I was on here and I felt compelled to stop and check the clock..thinking... "is it 5, I need to stop, he'll be home soon".... out of habit. Even after being apart for all these months I still have the "recording" in me that I need to stop being "me" when it's time for you to come home. And for me, that is what this break up is all about. Deleting the long-recorded messages in my brain of the old need to make myself stop being me.

I'm going to Round Top today, and of course will be there again during their Spring show.... and will take you with me. Our memory... our time of being happy together. I'm grateful for the good memories. I'm grateful that my memory of my physical senses are coming to life...keeping you real for me to have always. You feel as good in my mind as you did in the flesh...your smoothness. Every curve... your hardness..... all so real it's astounding to me.

I love you. I don't like some things, ... but I love you. And I love the memories of your hugs, kisses and your touching me...of my touching you. That alone however is not enough to make a happy marriage...(no matter how much you disagree.).

So as you go forth with your new life, I wanted you to go knowing I am thinking of you, often, in a new and happy way...even through the tears. And that while "we" got broken.... the parts and pieces that were good have been rescued and are saved forever in my mind and heart, and that I'm very grateful for them....for all the good times.

God Bless you always,

Your loving friend,

Laurie

From: Grace*

Sent: 2/4/2007 11:42 PM

BULLETIN!!!!!!!..

Stop the presses!

an update on the last issue....

..Robin called earlier and asked me out for Valentines Day!

...he said I'm his real Valentine and I'm who he wants to be with...

I was in total shock!

... he picked me over her!

I just was not at all prepared for that to happen.

I even told him so...and with a few tears, told him I had already been prepared that he was going to be out with someone else... never imagined us being together.

I'm flabergasted...

It's been over an hour now...we talked for a while... and I'm still in shock thinking about it.

And I even told him there would be no sex, so that's been made clear.

He's talking totally different then he has in the past ... I could hear it in his voice. At one point I was talking about my camera and planning to take pictures of the country side, and the birds here at the apartment.. . and he says... "I'm enjoying listening to you talk about it"...

... wow..another shock for the evening. He was listening to me talk about my life.. and he was enjoying hearing what I had to say.

He's planning to write me an e-mail tomorrow. He apparently has been doing a lot of thinking, and comparing. Said he's been confused. He was going to try to say things on the phone and I asked him to write it out instead. He's a song writer, and does have a wonderful way with words... as I learned from past love letters over the last 30 years...and if he has anything good and wonderful to say, I want it in writing to have... for myself, and for the record as well.

I am so confused now!....but not in a bad way. I'm not going to throw away my new and better life I'm working on...no way.

It's just that I didn't have to think a whole, whole lot about what "I" want about 'us' ... since it was out of my hands so to speak by him choosing to date someone else.

And I know it probably sounds like I'm going backwards and being wishy-washy. But in truth... it's just the opposite. I'm full of new ideas for doing things DIFFERENTLY...that will maintain the new kind of life I choose for myself.

Like for one thing... it popped into my head this afternoon when telling myself the list of things I don't like about him, and don't like about living with him....like his mess... to just put my foot down and lay down the law about my expectations... which I've never done in 30 years! The new person I'm becoming said in my head... IF anything should be worked out... one of the mandates would be that I tell him he is basically a slob and he has to start doing his part to keep the house clean... I'm not going to do it all.

The old me never ever considered saying anything like that. The old me couldn't see the 'right' to say anything like that. But this afternoon, for the first time, the new me saw with crystal clarity the fact that he is indeed responsible for helping to keep the HOME clean.

I was kind of amazed that I was able to finally see that..and it felt good.

We're not getting back together this week, or this month...or next month either. I'm not moving back down there... I already decided that a long time ago. I'm here to stay. I've "sacrificed" my life for him for the last time. That part of our situation has not changed. And driving in the hills today re-confirmed it. I gave up my happy homes for him twice before...no more. I'm holding onto this life up here.

And in the end... we may not ever really get back "together"... like I said before... this is the "6th month"... and I knew this would be the month to make or break things... we've never made it past this one.

So...ya'll help me with this please!... over the next month point out to me things you think I'm overlooking ... keep me focused and headed straight FORWARD .... don't let me screw myself up!

My #1 Rule, my #1 goal for myself... is to not be "owned" in any way by him, (if we ever got back together permanently).

To not "revolve" my time and world and activities "around" him.

To maintain my total "separateness" as an individual..and be free of the old self that had no spine at all about things.

I'm just noW "getting" to that point of ..? is it anonymity..?.. or some word like that. '

A lot of things that were wrong... were because I was not a complete person in my own right. And he did not force me to be that way... I was that way on my own, from childhood.

My 'other' #1 goal in this... the danger that I see as possible... is that I don't want to fall back into the old habit of keeping my weekends free "for him"... waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for him to want to be with me.. waiting for him to dictate what I do and when and where, simply by his just being in my life.

** I want to still be free to come and go as I please on a whim some weekends... by mysef... which means I'll have to be telling him no on purpose sometimes...just to teach him that I'm not at his beck and call in any way. I can NOT let it become a case of me making plans on a certain weekend because he won't be coming up here.... that kind of thing!

So I've got to keep my "radar" on HIGH ALERT in this area especially.. and I know that going in. So ya'll keep after me about it please.

Am I excited? YES... I have a date for Valentines Day. A date with my husband.... who chose me over the other women he could have taken out. No matter what happens... wether 'we' continue... or not.... this is nice, and I'm going to let myself enjoy it. I feel honored. And I feel blessed.

I have prayed and prayed...and prayed...over the months... and told God point blank in my tears... that Robin is in His hands... that if He wants us together then Robin has to change...that I won't live with him the way he's been, and that He is the only one who can do any changes in him... it was up to Him... I was prepared to live my best life for God.. either way, alone or married. It didn't matter to me. I wasn't asking for it to be fixed ... but I was not rejecting the possibility either if God chose to work miracles in Robin. I had some standards set... and if God worked those out.. (without my telling Robin what to stop doing) then so be it.

And, I've got a resale business to run in the future, and books to write... and that will not change. That's become the essence of who I am.... and that is not going to be given up either.

Our chances of working on 'us'..and note I said "working on"... because nothing is automatic this time around .... majorly depends on how up front he elects to be about his dates etc. I will know by that.. how sincere he is about anything about us.

As long as I stay firm and resolute about the no 'full' sex thing... then it should be ok. I have C.R's cd firmly planted in my brain for sure... I'm not overlooking anything.. as in I'm not letting anything "slide".

Except the lasagne thing... he does not have to start liking lasagne...lol.

Like I said... I have my life here.

I'm in no hurry to do anything about anything one way or another. I've got my heels dug in here... we can date occassionally for months as far as I'm concerned.

This time around... it will not "automatically" go the direction he wants it to go. It will go that way... if it meets my criteria for my life ... and if I want to go that direction. No less.

Till the future gets here... I have a date for Valentines Day!.

..and I'm happy about it and am going to enjoy that.

. (unless something happens to change it...and he cancels..changes his mind about it/us.. etc.... and I'll be ok if it does.... I'm not THAT over the edge...lol..even though I might sound like it...)

From: Grace*

Sent: 2/4/2007 7:47 PM

.... this seemed appropriate enough...lol

No Sylvia.... I'm really not jealous. However... I am stupid for doing what I did!!...lol.

That's why I deleted it off of here, and also your specific mention of it in your reply. No more talk of what I did... please..

It will probably come back to bite me on my ass one day, but oh well...we have to do some things like that in life. Without risking...we'd never get anywhere.

Jealous, no ...honestly, ...Devious, coniving, sneaky...oh yes.

..that's me.

And, a little hurt? , yes, of course. More than anything though ... I am determined to have proof of "truth" to protect myself from lies... and any other tricks that might be played.

He called me this afternoon.... missing me...just as I was headed out the door for my country drive. We talked for a while, because to be honest, I was missing him too today as well.... the main day of the week we usually had good times together.

I love my freedom, totally .... yet, not having someone to do things with occassionally, male or female... gets kind of difficult once in a while.

And I will be changing that soon, I will be getting out here and making girl friends to do things with, including the manager here. It's just taken me a while to be ready for that... and I about am now.

He said he thinks of me everyday.

The astounding thing about his call is that before he called I had just sent him a long e-mail... about thinking of him, missing him. Talk about our thoughts connecting along the way. I also talked about my getting better, healing from the pain and letting him know that even though things were broken between us, that in my healing I had started getting back in touch with the good memories...and that those were not lost... and that I was glad to have them.

That even though we were not right for each other, could not be happy with each other, and he had moved on to others... I was grateful for the good things. And I am.

I also told him that the other day I was on the computer and suddenly stopped writing... and said to myself... "is it almost 5..he'll be home soon...".... I was amazed that even after being apart all these months now I still had the "programming" in me to stop myself from doing something "just because" he was fixing to come home. And I told him that was the main reason for our breakup.... that I had to learn to stop stopping myself from being fully me.

And as I was driving on the country roads earlier this afternoon ... it was oh so wonderful to be free to do that on a whim, at my leisure, at my choice. I'm not giving that up for anybody.

I told him in the letter that I knew I was not the type of woman who could really make him happy because I was too independent minded and needed and enjoyed alone time too much .. and he needs someone to be with him a lot.

Yet on beautiful Sunday afternoons like today.... the memories of doing things together come flooding back. And so I was glad when he called.. and I enjoyed talking to him. I am after all only human.

And I'm much more savy and wiser and stronger and mature than during the previous times we had separated and I went running back out of fear and insecurity. That ain't gonna happen.

I like more and more each day the person I am becoming... and I'm going to hold onto her with all my might. And I have God in my corner as well, so I know I'll make it to the finish line.

When I'm on the road like I was earlier... I am so deeply in touch with the "real" me... and when I'm driving along soaking up "life", my own desired life is in such clear focus. So I do still have my "bearings".... I know what I want, and I still want it, and I still intend to get it and to have it.

Am I a fool? No way.

I know exactly what he was "missing" more than anything. And heck, I miss it too...lol. In my newfound strength however... I am not near as gullible as I used to be...and am not able to be "played" like I used to be either.

And as I shared with Jeni... I know when he is 'giving' that it is really a means of him getting for himself something that he wants. He had the idea to come up here one weekend and we take a drive in the country together... and I agreed. Of course he then mentioned... "and I'd like to go to that store we went to last time that was closing just as we got there". See... there's something he wants. And I knew there would be when he suggested it. But, that's ok... 'cause that's the only "want" he is getting !

Yet having some nice company for a country drive is no problem with me. I said yes.. on my terms... because I wanted to. I did not at all feel "obligated", or "compelled" to do so. I didn't even answer instantly...I thought about it for a bit first before I said yes.... Now, THAT is a major big step for me, and I'm quite proud.

Do I miss him sexually. Of course. He's the only man I can legally and morally have sex with.

Am I going to get it for myself off of him anymore?....no. Because I have too much pride and dignity to allow myself to be the "sex toy" on weekends, while he spends time with someone else during the week.

Like I've told him.... I won't stand for him being with another woman and treating her with respect and like a lady... by holding back or whatever... and then thinking of me as someone he can use for sexual gratification on the side.

And I know full well I'm responsible for drawing that line.. and I did the day I saw that CD signed... "

CR". That closed the door to my legs permanently... if you can forgive me being so blunt.

Talking to someone on the phone, having lunch dates... even an occassional night date... was one thing... and if it was only platonic, then I felt ok with myself to let myself enjoy my husband... which I have legal and moral right to anyway. Despite what he thinks, he's still my property in that area.

But when I found out there was 'more' going on... even if it did not involve intercourse...(as far as I know so far) ... then my conscience and self respect would not allow me to put myself out there like that anymore...no matter how much I might want it.

I just have certain hard-line standards for myself. Heck..I do not even want to date a man till after we're divorced. I just can't do that... in my way of thinking, it's cheating and wrong. And in my mind if he is doing anything physical at all with another woman...no matter how minor.. then he has broken his vows in my mind and he cannot have me in that way. He's lost his "right" to me is the way I see it. I'm not obligated to do any wifely duties. And boy does that freedom feel good..lol. Sex only by my choice the few last times we did it was so much more fun.

He asked me if I have a boyfriend!

I laughed out loud and said, "Noooo...lol... I told you I don't intend to date till after we're divorced, and I meant it. The kind of person I am, it just isn't right for me. I can't do it. So I guess you could say, in a way, I'm still private property".

He said... 'well, we may not get divorced for a long while'. I just kind of chuckled and said...ohhhh?, o-kkkkk., and let it drop.

But in my head I was thinking.. hmmm, legally married...legally responsible $ wise.

Who am I to argue with him about it. I don't need a divorce anytime soon... I've got it all right now. Ain't no reason to push it really. No skin off my back. Being married to him but not living together is easily doable on my part.

I'm the type who loves having proof. I love having truth ... for self-protection. It gives me the "power". And it protects me from being "played" and "used". Nope Sylvia... no sense of jealousy in my tactics at all. Believe me. Only self-protection. Thankfully, I'm no longer the insecure a child I used to be to feel jealous. Does it hurt... of course. It hurts in the sense that he was so stupid to do that to us...and so easily, and so quickly. And I cry when I hurt...when something is gone. But, men are like that, just as you say. He has his play toys... who puff him up in the ways he needs puffing. As long as I know what's really going on, I'm safe. And self preservation comes a close second to self protection.

Men love to have their 'secrets'... and to 'get away' with things if at all possible...without getting in trouble and without being caught and having to admit they did something 'wrong'. If it's not known about.. then they can go on seeing themselves as "right" in other peoples eyes. But if their secrets are known and exposed...they can't handle that at all.

As I've said before somewhere... I used to love watching that tv show called "Cheaters"... where they film a man cheating on his girlfriend or wife. And everytime they get caught it's the same angry reaction to getting caught...with no admittance at all of being wrong or guilty...lol... it's too funny to watch actually. And a very enlightening aspect of men's behavior also...how fast they can twist the subject...divert the direction of the talk...and how lightening-fast they lie, and can deflect away from the truth of their cheating. Amazing action on their part. Every woman should watch that show just to study the "lie tactics, and evasive tactics" all the men use with astounding ease.

OK... ooops..

.. I've written yet another long "pondering" chapter.

Didn't intend to when I started.

The country side today was so so wonderful. And I found out about a concert hall in the town I went to... students go there and 'train' for playing classical music!!.... I'll being going to that... and a lot of other things in that town in the next couple of weekends. ..including a big city-wide garage sale.

It's only about 30+ miles from here... an easy and pleasant drive. So I've got lots to look forward to.

Gosh I hope they get my cable hooked up soon!!! I'm starting to miss tv now. Enough is enough...lol.

Thanks to those who take time to read my ramblings.

as always.. it's never required.

I know like everything, it probably gets old after a while..lol. It just always helps to get all the thoughts out... and so much easier and faster than hand-writing everything in my journal.

Grace

From: Grace*

Sent: 2/5/2007 8:21 PM

Well ladies..... I drove down there today for just a quick face-to-face visit with him ... and got home a bit ago, and just now sent him an e-mail doing just what you all said. I really laid all the cards on the table. I'll share more about the day later....

I'm tired.. and want to go watch my tv... I HAVE CABLE NOW!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Here's the letter I sent him.. didn't pull any punches...

His letter to me earlier today:

Hello,

sitting here at my desk, thinking about you. Don't need to tell you what I am thinking, sure you know. YOU MAKE MY BLOOD BOIL!

You are very special to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

love

your husband

My reply tonight after seeing him at his office and talking a bit about Marcy and Chris with him...

And I need to be special to you.

There's over a year that I spent of you rejecting me, putting me down, being angry at me ... while you were hungering for someone else... that needs to be made up for... if you really want to. I'm not sure you really do. I want you to want to... I'm willing to be shown you want to. It's up to you to decide if that's REALLY what you want.

I know you want my body. But will you want "me" without the body as extra payment? Can I be more to you than someone to satisfy your sexual needs? I can't do that for you ... yet. It does not mean I don't want to... I do. I need sex too. But after everything I went through ... right now I need to be loved just for being me... I need to be 'special' just because of who I am, and not the service I can provide for you. You equate love with sex... yet how many times did you gladly have sex with me when you were not feeling any love for me? I so desperately needed and wanted you to say you loved me when we were having sex.. but for months, you never did.

You have had other women you have been holding, hugging and kissing and snuggling with...and maybe more... and I have not had anyone but you. I've always stayed faithful to our vows. You have chased after and wanted other women so many many times in our marriage Robin that I know you were interested in someone else long before I said I wanted out in September. I saw the signs for quite a while.

There was no other reason for you to be so angry and resentful and bitter t towards me... except you wanted to be with someone else and felt trapped. I thought for a while you were upset with me about not having a clean house.... but I know now that that isn't true since you don't clean it and it doesn't bother you that it's a mess.

I said we have a lot to talk about.. and we do. Because you can't just change your mind and decide I'm now good enough for you.. without being held accountable for your actions. It's not that easy. Just saying you made a mistake, as in a wrong choice... doesn't cut it.

I can't even consider going through getting back together again without knowing exactly what drove you to other women in the first place... and I need to know what made you suddenly change your mind... why were they no longer good enough for you? And why couldn't you say you didn't like them this afternoon.... was it because maybe you liked Marcy a bit more than you were willing to admit. If you do... you need to be honest about that with yourself.

You've gone to other women over and over and over... and then hurt them by breaking up with them.... I still remember Wanda's tears that day in the parking lot at FW.... and go back to me. How many times has this got to happen before you know exactly what you want... or should I say who you want.

Yes... now you say you want me. Why now? What's changed? I have to know the specifics. It's not like all the other times before... because I'm not the same weak, insecure child I was then.

That child loved you so much, needed you.. and was so happy to have your love, and protection.. .she felt safe with you.

The woman I am now does not feel safe with you.... and will not take you back out of childish need like in the past.

I've changed... and I'm more woman now than I've ever been. Too much of one to let myself be used in any shape or form. And your hunger and need for sexual gratification is too strong... and makes me feel the need to protect myself. I'm not here to service your needs anymore Robin.

I want a husband whom I can enjoy life with...and enjoy being safe and secure from having each other to share the burdens of dealing with the world and all it's threats. People need partners. And that's what I now know I want in my marriage......to be thought of as an equal.. in all ways. Not less than... not someone to dictate things to and tell what to do by her husband... but equal. And definitely not a mother figure...expected to do all the taking care of for both myself and my husband.

I felt so alone and so abandoned for almost a year.... and it was because you were increasingly unhappy either with life or me... or both.. and at some point became interested in someone else.

So no... right now all the excess sex talk is making me put up a wall to protect myself from you.... till I know for sure just how sincere you are.. and how really sure you are that you don't want to pursue something more with Marcy or Chris.

I want to let all my defenses down.. and fall madly in love all over again. Am I worth that to you...worth doing the work that needs to be done to heal things? I've told God what I need... and it's up to him to lay it on your heart what actions to take, what behaviours and bad habits to change... to win me back.

And maybe I should date... you are doing all this comparison between me and other women... and I've not done any of that. Maybe that isn't fair to myself? Should I go out there and test the waters like you are doing and see if there's someone else better for me like you have done?... I don't know. I really don't want to.

You made me so happy last night by wanting to be my Valentine.... shocked the heck out of me... I figured you had already been enjoying the company of Marcy or Chris enough to ask one of them out for that special night. Chris professes to love you on the cd... that had to have meant something.. didn't it? How much does Marcy hunger for you? You've been knowing her and seeing her for a long time too.

But the most wonderful thing you said to me last night was when you said.... "I'm enjoying listening to you talk about it"...( the camera etc.) You have no idea how much I have longed to hear something like that from you. That was a moment of you caring to hear "me".. and enjoying "me"..not my body.. and it was so wonderful. You've not listened to me for well over a year... and you definitely were not ever much interested in hearing anything I had to say... and I felt so rejected most of the time because of it.

I'm wounded Robin.. and healing from those wounds... deep wounds and hurts. You can't just suddenly want me back and expect to just jump up and down with childish glee as if what you've done to me did not matter, and did not require fixing and repairing.

If you really really love "me"... I'm really really interested in having you show it and prove it. I leave it up to you to decide how to do that.

I meant it about you being free to continue seeing Marcy and Chris.. .and me at the same time. I meant it about us not having sex. Love me as a lady you are dating... and treat me as a lady.... you have to earn my love and respect back Robin. You broke my heart... you have to do the work to mend it back to wholeness.

I'm a different person now... as in... you will need to get to know the new me I'm becoming... .. and you might decide you don't like my strength. It's up to you if you want to do that or not. And if not.. then give me a divorce so I can freely date too and have a clear conscience that I am not cheating on my husband.

I want to enjoy our Valentines Date. However...if you change your mind and want to take Marcy or Chris out... just let me know. I won't hold you to something if you don't want to do it. I want to be happily in love.... but I've got to get the hurt and broken heart healed first. It's not going to be a quick fix this time. Too much damage for that this time around.

Laurie

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