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((((¯`'·.¸(*)°Karen's Journal(*)¸.·'´¯)))) This is where i will come in from time to time to post how my week or day is going... Please feel free to read and comment if you like.. I enjoy people's comments and their thoughts and feelings as well.. Hugs Princesss |
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Dearest Karen, Though I have just recently joined your wonderful group, I've been sitting here reading your journal because I simply felt compelled to do so. You see, I literally died last Nov. and was sent back in order to be helped by others as well as to help others. I understand health problems for I have endured many yrs. with many serious ones, I know depression all too well and I simply want you to know that if you need a friend, someone to listen to you and only you, I am here to do just that. If you just want to bit*h I am here to listen to all the sh*t you have to offer. Karen, I surely understand your pain for I've lived it though for different reasons. I've so often asked God why this has happened to me or what I did to deserve it but the only answer I've gotten has been to think. My thoughts and prayers are with you and please feel free to get in touch if you do need me for anything at all. If you don't still have my e-mail addy, Theresa can give it to you and I will be talking with her in the morning and will ask her to do so if you should ask. Take care and may God be with you. Love, Hugs, and Blessings, Jackie |
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((((¯`'·.¸(*) Karen's Journal October 18th (*)¸.·'´¯)))) Well what a morning so far for me...Thought things were going ok, was able to do alittle posting in the group which is better then most days, thought ok maybe my day will get better, then i come to find out another one of my managers up and leaves on me right in the middle of my disaster grrr....Doesnt seem like i can keep management for long and this really upsets me ....One manager Gina has been working her butt off for me to keep the group going, and Angel just completed over 40 tags owed to members which is wearing her thin also...With my managers walking and designers not doing their part,seems like the group is falling apart and iam at a loss as to how to fix things when i can barely keep things going cause of lack of computer...Iam not sure what iam gonna do now,not even sure if its worth keeping the group going...I was told i needed time away from the computer and stuff,but how can i do that when everything is falling apart for me..and for the group.. Guess i have alot of thinking to do this weekend, not sure where to turn or what to do but i need to figure it all out.. Sorry for venting guess iam just having a very hard depressing day, and on top of that fighting with my boyfriend isnt making things better.. Ok off to lay down for a bit then come back and post a message in everyone's mailboxes.. Karen |
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((((¯`'·.¸(*) Karen's Journal October 27th (*)¸.·'´¯)))) Well it sure has been some time since writing in here.so thought i would stop in ...I seem to be struggling with my computer lately..Its been hard enough trying to post, never mind trying to upload tags too..At times it stresses me to no end..I know i have to be active in here as it seems we are low on management and its not fair to leave everything up to Gina to look after..So been doing what i can when i can.. Still waiting on my test results from the blood pressure test done to my legs, which is frustrating as i really am in the dark right now and not able to do my exercises like i want to so much..Other then that my health is pretty good, my sugars are stable which hasnt been like this since summer so iam thrilled with my progress.. Still packing for my move at the end of November. iam so excited to finally get out of this hole iam living in right now.. the appartment i got is 2 bedrooms,dishwasher, and small enough that it wont hurt me physically to keep clean..I will be living in the same building as my boyfriend so that will be interesting lol.. Anyways thats about it with me right now, pretty boring life at the moment,i hope to be in here more often when my computer allows me to be lol.. Thanks to anyone who reads and responds to my journal, its nice to know some people are interested in how iam doing.. Biggest Hugs Karen |
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((((¯`'·.¸(*)°Karen's Journal(*)¸.·'´¯)))) Well where do i begin...their is so much for me to write about... Well first the good news.Finally got my new appartment moving in like 2 weeks here so been busy packing and cleaning by myself to this point..I just cannot wait to get out of this dump iam living in right now, and the caretakers here are so lazy and well if i could say what i really think of them without msn closing us down, then you would really know my true feelings... Anyways havent been myself the past couple of days now..Seems im back to having dreams i thought were gone from my life, but for some reason are appearing once again, and iam scared... Let me explain.. I am a survivor of abuse from my ex-boyfriend,which is my son's father.. now the last time i ever had those horrible dreams about him was when my son was 5yrs old and his father called me threatning to see him... Well now they are back again.. In my dream iam walking to the store at night,when all of a sudden someone in a black car pulls up to me,he gets out of the car and hits me right in the face knocking me out..When i come to iam in a field of corn, i know crazy..but anyways iam tourchared by him for hours, to the exstream but cannot go into details its too horrible..I try so hard to fight him off,but my body is frozen in time, like i cannot move ,talk, do anything to stop him..I scream as load as i could but nothing comes out of my mouth..Then as he is about to take a gun to my head i wake up in a sweat,shaking all over and panicing.. i get out of bed look around my house and then check the locks on my doors.. and nothing, then i realize i was dreaming this all happend to me.. Why am i dreaming like this again, are my dreams trying to tell me something, is he in saskatoon now and my dreams are a way of warning me...Iam so confused i dont know why iam thinking about him so much again..Iam at such a loss right now.. I guess that is the major issue iam having right now..other things consist of being prepared for me move,twisting my foot the other day and dealing with the pain and bruises from that...which i guess is a sorta trama...Ummm worrying if i can afford this move just before christmas.. wondering if this move will truely change things in my life for the better... I feel down all the time, trapped and lonely..I dont go anywhere's or even for a walk anymore cause of health problems..I dont chat alot on messenger of the phone much either, unless My Sister's Gina & Tammy or Jackie calls me..That is the only communication i have with anyone anymore...Very sad life i live to be honest with you.. Iam hoping then when i do move that things improve on my life for the better, that i have more energy for things, that i concentrate on my health issues more..That with the new place brings new memories for me and my son... So many things to think and worry about in my life...I just do not share my darkest feelings with anyone ,cause its not something i am ready to share with my friends..Might sound selfish or that i dont trust them, thats not the case at all... just not easy for me to open up to people,even if they have nothing but the best intentions to be here for me, just somethings i cannot reveal to anyone.. Anyways now it sounds like iam rambling so gonna quit for now, need to go have my bath and relax, but first need to make sure everything is locked up and secure before hand.. Laters... Thanks for reading if you do.. Karen |
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Sis physically abuse never goes away as I still have nightmares of my times with my ex husband.I don't think they will ever go away either but all we can do is deal with them the best way we can.I also fear for my life as my ex is not that far from me and I do not go out alot and if I do it's with someone.It's a hard thing to shake when you have had that done to you.I can be there for you thes best way I know how and I always will be.If you need me email me and I will be there.I often think my move someday soon will make a big change and then I sit here and wonder if it will or not.I am probably just as confused and lonely as you are my dear sister.I always make sure my locks are all bolted up and please take care of yourself sis as I need you in my life and so the lil man.We as survivors will do this together and be each others rock when things like this arise. Love always and big hugs, Gina(sis) & Ryan(Lil man) |
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((((¯`'·.¸(*)°Karen's Journal January 13th(*)¸.·'´¯)))) Wow you know i should really concentrate on writting in here more often, seems i have slacked off alot lately... Has anyone ever felt like just running away and hiding from everyone, from the world itself..?? Well that is how iam feeling alot lately...Its so true, but havent confessed this to anyone really...I guess cause this time, i just dont want everyone knowing my true feelings, not cause i dont trust anyone its just that sometimes i just cannot bring those words out of me,...But here i can express my emoitions without actually telling one person.. I suppose i just need to get away or even just get out of this place...I feel trapped in here all the time,that my life doesnt seem to have a purpose to it..I am lost inside and cannot find the way out..I can remember when i use to go out alot with friends, and what not, but nothing now, lost almost all my friends, nobody ever comes by anymore except for my bf or sister at times,but other then that, nobody..I know to some this might sound like nothing much but to me its alot... I don't go on web cam anymore like i use to cause i have seen i have put some of my wieght i lost last year back on and i really don't like it at all...I feel ugly and fat...I know you are all gonna say no Karen you look good , blah blah blah...Like i havent heard that before in my life from people...But those are only words to me, its not how i feel inside my heart and soul..Please don't think iam being mean of hateful, just expressing my heart feelings...Yes true i have lost wieght in the past so i could do it again, only one problem iam restricted from doing alot of things now then i was before, which is part of the reason i put my wieght back on..I won't even send my mother pictures of me cause i don't want her to see my failures....We even did a video tape of christmas morning in my home and iam not sending that to her cause i look like a beached whale sitting on my coach smoking and bitc-ing about everything.. I just seem to have this hatred thing inside me right now, i hear the words i speak but i don't stop them i can't for whatever reason..All i have ever wanted in my life was to be healthy and about 200 pounds lighter and when i think iam about to achieve this, something happens and i end up failing in the end.. Iam not answering my phone now to anybody that calls me, cause i just don't have the strentgh to talk with anyone to open my heart to anyone anymore..Yes i come into the group and post like nothing is wrong, but thats all an act so that i don't have to tell my friends my real feelings and emotions..When mom calls or my sis calls i just pretend everything is fine with me, i know that sounds awful but i cannot stand them worrying about me anymore, i hate always not having anything positive to tell them about my life....Seeing a theripist or putting me on drugs again is not gonna cure me either, i told my doctor this, i know whats wrong with me, just cannot find a way out of it all ... What happened to my life, where did this all go wrong for me..??Why did i allow my life to end up this way..?? I have been told so many times that only you can control where your life goes, well if that is so true then i must want my life to be a failure cause thats what is going on right now..Just wish i could understand why i choose to live like this and why i cannot just change things around for the better...I feel so alone all the time, even with my son and bf here i still feel alone inside my heart...Nobody knows this but every night for the past few months now i sit in my room and cry myself to sleep, for so many reasons..Their hasnt been a night i havent cried, or felt alone..I hate being this fake person inside, but showing my real self means alot of people will not like me much..Someone said to me one time that the only reason i have friends is cause iam ill and they feel bad for me , now even if that isnt true those words have stuck with me anyways, i think of those words so much lately.. wondering what if i wasnt so ill, would people still care about me or even talk with me...I know that sounds silly but its how i feel inside.. I havent felt like doing anything anymore, i dont chat like i use to or work in psp as much, my painting has completely stopped, and i havent even been selling my Avon either, just don't have the drive like i use to..When will things change for me?, when will i feel special again?,When will i be healthy again to enjoy the rest of my life?.Or am i desent to be like this the remainder of my life??Does anyone have the answers to this at all, cause iam at a complete lose for now.. Need to stop Son is getting up and dont need or want him knowing any of this.. Bye |
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((((¯`'·.¸(*)°Karen's Journal January 18th(*)¸.·'´¯)))) Hello...Well let me tell you the past couple of days now have been pure hell for me...All because i stood up to my boyfriend Reg... See he has been going out alot more now with his buddies which iam completely ok with he needs to get out once in awhile and have so fun with friends,but when he came over the other morning thats when hell broke lose.. I told him that once the snow melts and spring is here that is when i want to get out of my place more often and do things for myself, which meant going for walks alone, shopping alone, or just going out for a few drinks and dancing with my girlfriends, well as soon as i said that he forbidded me from going out to the bars without him..That if i did then we may as well break up cause he assumes iam gonna cheat on him with some man from the bar, well darnit that made me see nothing but red and i blew up at him badly. but for good reason in my mind..I told him just cause a woman goes out to the bar for drinks and dancing does not mean she is going their to pick up men, that is something i have never done or would even think about doing , first off iam committed to Reg and only Reg, secondly picking up a man at the bar is just asking for a one night stand or more importently trouble...I hav never been that kind of woman my entire life..But what set me off more was the fact that after being with him off and on for over 21 yrs he still doesnt trust me.. I was trapped and controlled by only one man in my life and that was Tyler's father and i promised myself that i would never allow a man to treat me like that again and i ment that... Which was what i told Reg before i kicked him out of my place...How dare he think i would let him behave like that with me , he was sadly mistaken..I told him to just stay away from me for a few days, that he needed to decide wiether he truely loved and trusted me and if he couldnt then he needs to move on with someone else, that would put up with his crap cause iam never going to..I also told him i have always believed in him and loved and trusted him completely no matter what, and that i deserved the same respect...So its been 3 days now since we have spoken so not sure where this leaves us, but even if we manage to come threw this iam still going out with my girlfriends without him , cause he is either gonna trust me or i will be the one moving on, not him... Anyways that is why i have been so down in the dumps, it just brought back so many old feelings that i barried about my son's father and now cause of this they are surfacing again and once again i am feeling unsafe and unsure of myself again, that fear that terrorised me for yrs is slowly creeping back in and i really hate the way iam feeling, its freaking me out horribly.. Iam closing myself off again, and iam so affraid.. But on a possive note a good friend of mine,Michael is coming into town today and he knows whats going on so he will be here later to pick me up and take me out on the town, and make supper for me, plus he is just gonna give Tyler some money for himself to order supper and go out with his friends, he said i have always been their for him as a good friend and now its his turn to show me how a terrific woman should be treated.. So better get off here soon and go shower,, just wanted to write what i have been through these past couple of days.. Hugs Karen |
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((((¯`'·.¸(*)°Karen's Journal(*)¸.·'´¯)))) Well i am suppose to be taken sometime to myself to sort things about and iam sure you all know what those things are,but today is a very difficult day for me and i needed to write it in my Journal... It's been 5 yrs today since our family lost our Fater,my dad David Edward Williams...They say time heals all wounds and it gets easyer to deal with,well they are wrong, still feels like the day my brother called me at 7am in the morning to tell me our dad passed away in his sleep next to our mother..That shock i never want to experience again in this life time...All i could think was how was i gonna tell my son his papa has gone to heaven to live with the angels,it was the hardest thing i ever had to do... Tonight as i sit here alone in my place listening to the song daddys girl as i do every year on this day, so many memories come over me..some sad some are the most wonderful feelings ever.. I called my mom tonight to make sure she was ok and she shared some awsome stories with me for the first time about our father.. let me tell you one right now,if you dont mind reading.. When my parents were just younger lovers.Dad was living with my mothers family,well my grandmother could only speak french and my dad only english,but mom tells me they got along so good no matter what langauge they spoke, they played cards all the time..anyways, my father was prodistine or however you spell it and my mom was cathlic,well grandma told my dad all the time no you not marry my daughter cause you are not cathlic,well this was not exceptable to my dad,so behind my mothers back he began going to cathlic church so he could become cathlic,to make along story short, on a easter sunday mom's family including dad had gone to easter sunday mass, and all of a sudden the priest called my dads name and my mom was in shock , dad went up with mom's parents and he was baptised into the cathlic faith and my grandparents became his god parents..Well right their mom was crying cause their she knew how much my father loved my mom,and she ran up their and hugged him so tightly and that next week they were married... That is one of many stories of my parents love story.. omg i just cried when mom told me this one story cause it just showed me even more what type of father my dad was... Not a day goes by that i dont miss dad and wish he was here with us right now.. that he would pick up that phone as i called their house and hear him say hello goofy,which is his many nick names for me lol... To hear those funny jokes he would tell me , to hear him while iam talking with mom,him in the background yelling karen your dad is nuts lol, so many things i miss and wish i had more time with him to enjoy.. My dad no matter what challenges his faced with his desease he faught it with ever strentgh he had in him, never once giving up ....The many times as i sat their just watching him, as he struggle to take a breath, to move without his legs,to just speak and eat,you have no idea what that did to me,but through it all he never once complained ever...he took his life one day at a time, never giving up also doing what he needed to do to survive.. I only hope that i have the same strength he did, that when i feel like iam slipping away i look back on dad and what he went through and decide if he can do it so can his daughter... If i could say things to my dad i would say: Dad i love you so much, and miss you more and more as days go by..I wish you were here with us, holding mom like you always did.. i love how you always provided for us,did whatever nessasary to make sure the family never wanted for anything... Your grandson Tyler misses you terribly dad..he keeps his picture of you and him working on the stairs at your place next to him when he sleeps at night, and even at the age of 17 he still looks up into the sky at your star and talks to you,sure hope you are hearing him and his prayers..He is graduating this year daddy, you would be so proud of you boo boo.. Dad i hope you are at peace now, and know someday i will see you again, and never let you go..I love you dad.. This day had been hard on me, but just knowing he is at peace and no longer in pain, knowing he is with god and the angels looking down on us makes things easyer to bare.. Well another year without dad, but never forgotten... Thanks to whom ever reads this,just needed to vent and put my feelings into writting... Love you Daddy... Rest in Peace Hugs Karen aka your little girl.. |
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Hi sis, Just thought I would say that I don't know what you are going through as my dad is still here with me in heart and soul just not in mind but the love you had for your dad is the same as I have for mine so I can only imagine what you are going through.I will always be here for you if you need me and if you ever need me to call just email me. Love you and Tyler, Gina |
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((((¯`'·.¸(*)°Karen's Journal(*)¸.·'´¯)))) well what can i say,made it through another day...Not too much went on here..Chatted with my mom tonight,seems she always knows when to call me, cause i really needed her tonight.. We had along chat and she helped me to figure some things in my personal life out, like she always has in the past.. Other then that not much else is going on lately.. Had to quit Avon for awhile,i couldnt concentrate on it at all, seemed i lost the drive for it i guess..but with everything going around in my life right now it was the last thing on mind, and couldnt really put my heart into it..However my bossed told me that when things finally settle down for me they are more then willing to take me back as a Rep and will look after my customers for me until i can return to it full time...But at least i did stick with it for 1 yr..which is more then i thought i would .. Anyways feels like iam just rambling here so i will sign off for tonight,maybe tomorrow i will have something more interesting to talk about.. Hugs Princess |
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((((¯`'·.¸(*)°Karen's Journal(*)¸.·'´¯)))) September 18th/2007 Wow what a weekend i have had.. Cleaning appartment,packing things that i dont need out so iam prepared for when i either move or get evicted from my place...And then the landlord desides to come over and tell me more upsetting news..Seems that all the suites that they are currently renovating are now going to cost as follows..1 bedroom 825.00, 2 bedroom 875.00, 3 bedroom 975.00...So i asked her what the hell am i gonna do now, their is no way social services is gonna give me 875.00 dollars a month for my rent..I told her i was sick of the owners cause they are contently changes things in the building and with no regards to how their current tenents are dealing with it all..they dont care about us all they care about it money,the more for them the better meanwhile we are out on the streets..Iam so angry and upset over all this.. To be honest with you so many times i just say i should just give up cause i am fighting a losing battle here...I mean how the hec am i suppose to live and provide for my son, when i cannot work due to my fricken health problems , just dont know where to turn for help anymore,just wish sometimes i wasnt even around, cause iam no good right now, cannot even put a damn roof over my son's head..its making me so ill...I feel like iam losing my mind and i have no control over anything.. I can't talk to anyone about this cause nobody understands , they are not going threw this, iam... I havent really talked with anyone, i have backed off from my friends,cause they dont need to hear all my crap anymore, i keep to myself, dont bother anyone..I dont chat on or off my computer to people, cause i just end up bringing everyone else down with me..Everyone says they would put me and my son up if i were to move to where they are living, hmm, if i cannot afford a roof over my head how can i afford to move.Sorry just venting..I know my friends are trying to be supportive and i do appreciate it,but ohhh i dont know what to say anymore.. Also their is other things bothering me but again dont know who to trust anymore or who i can confide in without it being aired to everyone else.. i know i sound mean, but i have had this happen already, so just not sure who i can confide in... I guess you can say iam a basketcase and just feeling like i dont belong anywheres..Like i feel my life is slipping away from me and cannot stop it..Why are these things happening to me, what did i do to deserve this hell iam in.. Oh well enough with all this, signing out.. Karen |
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Hi sis and I always read your journal.You'll get good luck and things will be back to normal again for you.I have faith in that so keep your chin up.I can call as much as I can but I do get side tracked but I still call.See I called you today....lol. Love you, Hugs Gina |
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Hun things will get there in the end they always do . Just be who you are a strong woman and mum xxx |
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First
But i have just been so busy with moving into my new home, working on this group and playing in my psp of course..
My friends have been so supportive of my move and all agree i was the best thing for me in my life.. And just like i told them iam happy here and enjoy the area iam in..
I suppose all i have to do right now is concentrate on getting my health back up and under control..But with this new lease on life i have i know that this too will come true for me..
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