Spiritual Depression:

I personally went thru what I call "the awakening". Since that time I have found others online that were either going thru the same process or had been thru it. However, most have not. When I went thru it, no one I knew had any idea what was happening to me. I felt very alone. It is my hope that someone reading this page can at the least know that they are not alone.

I had been very spiritual at one time in my life. Not to be confused with being religiouse. I was never religouse, although i believed in the bible. I did consider myself Christian but did not or I should say... could not find a chuch that "felt" right for me. Over the years that spirituality had taken a back seat to my life, until finally I didnt even pray anymore.

I started feeling a draw, back into the relationship I once had with God (Spirit). Once I began to seek out that relationship I made the decision that I had been away to long. I began to remember the magic of the way i used to live and that was all I wanted.

I began sinking into a depression unlike anything I have ever experienced. It felt as though I was in a vacuum. Being pulled out of my life. As the depression  progressed I reached out to those I was closest to and began to realize that they didnt know me at all. They couldnt or wouldnt see what I was going thru. I have always helped people in my life, offering advise and comfort to them. Then I found myself so depressed, so seperated from everyone and they still came to me for comfort. Instead of reaching out to me, and they seemed almost resentful that i couldnt help them.

My husband at the time suggested that i go see a psychicatrist who immediatly perscribed anti depressents. The first perscription I noticed everyone around me telling me it was good to see me feeling better. It was confusing because i didnt feel better at all, but the pills made those around me happy. I went for another visit to the good doc. who changed the perscription. The new pills made me feel better, or at least not as dead. The people around me reacted to me as if i had gotten much worse. I was then faced with decision, one I didnt know the significance of at the time. Do I take the pill that makes them happy, or the one that makes me happy?

That decision was an important one for me. All my life everyone else always came first. But this time I needed. I quit taking pills, because thats what I needed to do, for me.

My darkest night: I was about to take a shower, home alone. I was crying for no reason, again, which somehow felt good because the pills would not allow me to. I stood with my bare back to the locked door and slid down until finally i lay on the cold floor, totally nude, crying in the dark. After what seemed like hours i sat up and talked.. or I should say shouted at God. I will never forget this... it went like this:  "Where are you?" "Why did you abandon me?" "I come to you with my final request - I beg you with all that I am, to take my soul. My soul is dying and I can NOT hold on any longer. I want to let it die, let me die. I dont understand how you could love me and wtch me die in front of you. Please please take my soul... I dont want to suffer anymore"

I cry even while i recall it. After that day things began to get better. I told people around that its their tuff shit that they cant deal with me. Deal with me or dont... it doesnt matter to me anymore. I'm sorry i shattered the beautiful illusion you built around me, but it is My reality that i care about now.. your reality is your problem. Go build your illusions around someone that cares.

The truth is no one could understand. But I understand now, thats why i'm writing this. This is very personal but I share it because... if you are or have been where i was you now know that someone DOES understand.

I think the words "Spiritual Depression" are the closest i've found to what i experienced. I was better but numb. You dont realize how good misery feels until you can no longer feel anything. The numbness is the last phase. After it passes is when your soul begins to grow again. I believe now that the darkest day was truely the day that I made the decision to live. I was begging to die but there was a tiny piece of my soul that won the battle within me that day.

I found this tidbit a month later, it had much meaning for me. A Course In Miracles, V. Wholeness and Spirit:

"The miracle is much like the body in that both are learning aids for facilitating a state in which they become unnecessary. When Spirit's original state of direct communication is reached, neither the body nor the miracle serves any purpose. While you believe you are in a body, however, you can choose between loveless and miraculous channels of expression. You can make an empty shell, but you cannot express nothing at all. You can wait, delay, paralyze yourself, or reduce your creativity almost to nothing. But you cannot abolish it. You can destroy your medium of communication, but not your potential. You did not create yourself."

There is just a note I want to add. One of the first that came to me for a reading online was going thru what I had. She was at her darkest day. I got a picture while reading her. Let me share it with you. I saw her laying on her bed and crying, desperatly pleading and i knew it was for God. When I saw this I also knew God was there, all around her VERY strong... i could feel it in the picture I got. It was as if he had wrapped himself around her holding her tight. It was confusing to feel such deep love and such dispair at the same time. She was pleading to feel him, yet he WAS there. He WAS holding her the whole time. I asked if she had layed on the bed begging for God to be there and to talk to her. She had, just the night before. And I was given the gift to tell her.... "he WAS there, he was answering, you couldnt hear him". She wept. That reading made me reflect back to my darkest day and when I did i could FEEL God there with me as well. He was telling me I was gonna be okay, just to hold on a little longer ... Everything was gonna be okay.

I want to tell you, it isnt punishment, God never leaves. He wipes your tears, he holds you and he wants you to know... Soon you will be okay :) It is only a cacoon, a Spiritual Rebirth.

I spoke to one of what I now call "my awakeners" a few weeks ago. He found me online to tell me he feels God again, like I told him he would ... but even better. He was riding his bike in town and had been recalling our conversation about awakening from the cacoon. He was asking himself if he had come out of the cacoon, knowing the answer was yes.  Just then a butterfly flew up to his face, it was very strange he said. But it was a message, unmistakeable...."the cacoon"...."the rebirth".... a butterfly !

This site doesn't have alot of words on our welcome page. What we DO have is a picture of some butterflies flying so freely thru the world. That picture is Your Welcome, its message is .... You're Amongst Friends!

So welcome Butterflies and Catipellers alike, this is Your place..... Enjoy It !

- intense female 

                                          Part II -  The Awakening