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I do get mad at myself sometimes. Don't know what came over me yesterday just about everything felt heavy and I was on a real 'downer'. I am usually very affected by the moon so I expect it must have been either full moon or new moon...must check on that. I am better today. I am annoyed however that my everyday life seems to take all of my energy and I have a hard time concentrating on my spiritual development so I guess I am just not very receptive to that just now, maybe just accept that and go with the flow. Maybe I'm kidding myself about having a career right now. I keep telling my middle sister that she shouldn't be in such a hurry to have a career when she's got little ones as you do miss out on so many things at that stage, but at the same time I feel such a hypocrite I know exactly what she's going through just being at home all the time, you do lose yourself a bit then... But then again her situation is different, she's about to have her 3rd baby, the others are coming up to 2 and 4 years of age, I really don't see how she can be thinking of a career right now but I know she is... Anyway I'd better get on with things, stop daydreaming! |
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I feel a lot better in myself today. Last night I called and booked my babysitter for tuesdays so now I've definitely got to do that computercourse at the college! Don't know why I've hesitated with that it's something I've wanted to do it's probably just a touch of nerves going in there by myself. Before I'd planned to do it with my neighbour but I realised she was more words less action and over the last year she has held me back in my progress in life so I do feel I am a lot better off without her still and doing things on my own is not such a problem anyway. She still completely blanks me when she sees me outside the school or just outside, I would say hello but she deliberately turns her face away so I suppose no point really. She will most likely find someone else to lean on and use... Now I also need to start filling in the divorce papers, I've had them for awhile but as the ex hasn't had an address I've not been able to do that, but now he has I suppose I should hurry up with that as there is no telling how long he will stay there...he still hasn't got a job and is talking about staying self-employed etc...so no regular income there and probably even less likely I will get any money off him in maintenance for the kids...oh well one thing at a time. |
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Right so I finally enrolled at the college for the computer course tonight. I thought it was going to be for 18 weeks, but turns out that was the beginner's course only and I didn't need the beginners obviously as I do know my way round the computer a bit, so it turns out I've enrolled for a year ! Well I'm sure it will be worth it in the end, kind of felt like well I didn't really want to think I'd still be living in this house and area by then but hey who knows...I might be living within driving distance but in another house perhaps... Or is that wishful thinking? But anyway I've already met some nice people and I really enjoyed the first lesson although it was hard getting the old braincells to work again I had to do a numeracy and literacy test to start with, thought I'd never get through the numeracy one LOL. But it's good, progress in that area of my life at least. Now if I could just get some progress on my spiritual path... |
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Couldn't keep away form the computer yesterday as I was looking up everything I could find out about indigo people and it's been such a revelation to me. Now I know why I feel like such an outsider, why no job seems to be 'the one' for me the right career etc, it all seems meaningless...so does politics and systems I just don't believe in them. I've been feeling bad about things because I just don't seem to 'fit in' with the typical american dream etc, and lately over the past few years things have changed drastically for me. I started really getting these panicky feelings about life when I was about to hit my 30s and I think it was about that time that I met Tricia, my spiritual mentor, and my eyes opened. That was even before I came onto the internet, we didn't have internet then, before I found this lovely group. All of a sudden I could feel all living things like plants etc...but I think that left me a bit open for awhile and I shut down again a bit as my everyday life had to be dealt with. I opened up again just after I'd left my husband and I did some automatic writing as someone had suggested as I am still finding meditation hard even now. I used to get several clear voices in my head as I was writing, and I laughed sometimes as this very strong southern american man used to make sure I knew it was him by saying things I never would say 'honkeydorey' as I always doubt myself and my abilities... Well my everyday life took over again with me finally getting a place on my won and I had things to deal with with the kids etc. But I do get glimpses every now and again and I know I am so well taken care of when something happens like with my car for example. I also saw a very clear fairy I think it was on my daughter's birthday last year when I finally managed to get relaxed in meditation. Well my peace is shattered now so I've got to go just had a bit of a recap of what I've been through the past few years and how far I've come... |
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Well I don't know where my days are going, I seem to have less and less time and I'm tired. I've met some really interesting people lately though, seems like wherever I go or whatever I do people seem to want to come up and talk to me, tell me about things that matter to them, it's kind of nice , maybe I am more open and maybe that's why I feel tired I don't know. I do know though that it's not that good for me to have the ex staying over the whole weekend when I'm working. He is so negative that it takes all my energy just to shield myself from that and come monday when he goes I am completely shattered. This monday I also had an appointment at the gym to put together a programmme, and this gorgeous gyminstructor worked me so hard that not only did I have to go to bed early with all the mental and physical exhaustion I also woke up yesterday sore all over and with another busy day ahead of me. I need some quiet time to still my mind I think... |
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Well someone must be thinking that I need advice as I keep getting these strangers in different situations opening up to me and giving me a piece of their minds in a nice way though I must say, just very interesting! I was walking in the woods with my kids the other day and this woman started talking to me about the area I live in some history to it etc, then a few days later this man I was cleaning for started talking about his hobby etc, and today as I was having a coffee with a work collegue a friend of hers a man in his 50s came in and started telling us both that we shouldn't go looking for love etc and a way to escape the situation we are in but instead to improve our lives to the way we want to live and get happy that way and then and only then a better match would come to us. There was no rushing things either he said, he was adamant that we'd both listen to his advice, he was funny aswell and said never lose your sense of humour as then all would be lost LOL! Sweet man he was, I was just amused at how strongly he came across with his advice, I mean he didn't know me, but then again I was a complete stranger to the others who also gave me advice... Is someone trying to tell me something? LOL . |
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I feel excited about what I experienced last night. I was trying to focus on Polly as I am doing my readathon for her this time and she had a question in mind, so I took pen and paper put it next to my bed and focused on her as I went to sleep. I was shook awake by a presence. I remember telling myself that I am not afraid LOL, as in the past sometimes when I have felt a presence near me I have then been frightened and then the presence has left straight away. This time I really wanted to get a message so I asked in my head if there was a message and the man kept saying 'mirror' over and over again. I tried to focus on him to see him more clearly but it was difficult as it was pitch black in the room, but then I got an image of a warrior in my head, a man wearing a loin cloth and with like a crown on his head with bones and feathers on it. Then he disappeared. I think I will try this again tonight if I can. |
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Dear Diary, well the days keep passing by and I have been so caught up with all the things going on around me that I haven't had the time and energy for my spiritual development...again. I wish my husband would hurry up and get himself sorted and I also wish for something to come along and help me get this change that I so feel is necessary right now for me. I think this house is bad and gives out bad vibes, drains energy. I really want to move but I know this will all happen as and when it's supposed to, I am trying to leave myself open to change though. I think if I get the kids settled a bit earlier than normal tonight I will try to start the readathon and also try to do what I did last time, concentrate on Polly again and leave pen and paper by the bedside as I think there is definitely more information to be had from that if I can just relax enough. Lately I don't know if this is something I'm imagining but I keep seeing flashes of light here and there, during the day and during the night, it's like I see it in the corner of my eye and when I look it's disappeared hmmm... I shall keep you posted on that. |
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Last night I dreamt I was with my little sister on a big field. Well I was looking for her as she'd disappeared and then I find her with tho guys. I immediately think that they are not very nice at all, the kind of men that I know both her and me attract for some reason. They say something to me that I'm a bit posh or that I think I'm too good for them mocking me. I try to get them to leave her alone but she doesn't seem bothered at all, she even starts kissing one of them and then all three of them disappear off again. I'm on the other side of the field from them now and I see a horse and think I can get there faster on a horse even though I don't know how to ride I jump on the horse that is suddenly standing next to me and grab hold of its mane (no saddle) and go something like 'yeehaa' that I assume you're suppose to say LOL (or have I been watching too many country and westerns...?) well the horse starts running and off we go I think this is great and I'm not even close to falling off LOL, but when we get closer to my sister and the men I need to get off, and I call out to my sister who is a good rider 'how do I get the horse to stop?' But she's preoccupied and the horse is not listening to me instead gaining speed. So I decide I will jump off while it's running and funnily I do that very gracefully aswell LOL (now I KNOW it's a dream). I don't remember how it all ended, just wanted to make a note of me riding this horse as usually when I dream of horses they are wild and a little bit dangerous and never ever do I ride them so I see this as a good sign, maybe I'm more in control of my life LOL or maybe not...? Slightly worried about my sister with the two filthy men, I know she wouldn't listen to me if I told her not to go with such men so that's very true to life but anyway...Maybe a sign that I must look out for her on our holiday hmmm... |
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Dreaming again, I feel I am being bombarded with messages right now and they just seem to be a bit too much for me right now, I'm tired this morning so must ask them to slow down a bit and let me have a good night's sleep in between... Well last night I was again with my sister in some kind of a circle in the middle of the woods! I didn't know any of the other people in the circle apart from that they were all Swedish, and for some reason they spoke English and thought I was English until I spoke. We were all sitting around this fire and a woman who was the leader started to demonstrate her powers, how she could just lift the chair she was sitting on up in the air with her on it just like that! Me and my sister looked at each other and thought this is going to be interesting. Then we all had to say our names and where we came from and write a list of a number of people we wanted to connect with (living people for some reason). I then said I was the sister to my sister as everyone seemed to know her, she wasn't too pleased about that as apparently she'd wanted to keep that information secret for some reason...weird. But then I find we are in my living room and the fire burning is my coalfire. I'm being urged to drink something to ground myself and I do. Then we have 'tasks' to do. It seems like we're on some kind of camp/course. Weird! |
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Friday night or saturday night, I can't remember now all weekend is a bit of a blur with me working LOL but Jessica had legache, I think it's something like growing pains that she gets from time to time and sometimes she doesn't even really wake up but she moans in her sleep, but this time she did and she came in with me I decided to try healing with my hands. I put my hands on her leg and concentrated really hard imagining a light going down her leg and taking out anything bad, I could feel my hands going warm as they do sometimes when I've tried this before. I don't know whether it worked but we both went back to sleep and there was not a peep from her for the rest of the night she seemed to relax completely whereas she'd been tensing up before. I hope I can develop this a bit more, could be helpful in my work. |
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God what is wrong with me tonight? I've been feeling all emotional and weepy for no reason at all all day. Oh well one trigger to all of this I can say is the very nice man that I met on friday, I don't know, seems like I've known him before but what is this feeling? I'm so unsure, I think I need to see him again to figure out what this feeling is all about. My sister went to a medium a few days ago and our grandmother came forward very quickly as if she'd waited to have her say LOL. She had plenty of opinions aswell my sister said, she will bring the tape so that I can listen to it when she gets here, I can't wait for the holiday now I really need to get away to get some kind of perspective of my life as I feel I'm uncertain about things and things are changing... |
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Well diary it sure has been awhile! I think I've had plenty going on since the last entry. Well at least since the last entry I have learnt to listen to my feelings a bit more. That emotional weepy feeling I got with that man should have warned me not to go any further with him but I suppose I mistook it for love as that was the way I felt quite a lot when I first met my husband. I am definitely stronger in eveery sense of the word since that 'episode' and even if I can't guarantee that I wont jump in head first into another new relationship as I know myself I have a tendency to do that at least I know when the sad felings come, or uneasiness it's something's not quite right. Yesterday it was James' birthday and well it was a bit of a flop because of his dad... In the end I went home early as I find it really hard to stay in his flat for long, or in any enclosed space with him either for that matter lol. Well I always worry about the kids when they're with him but tat the same time I so need a couple of evenings here and there on my own even if I work for most of the evening it still makes a difference. Last night after I'd had a chat to Snows in the chatroom I felt so drained and tired that I went straight to bed but I just couldn't go to sleep. I've usually not got any problems falling asleep it's usually that I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep... Well I felt cold and unprotected and thought of the kids and sent them love and asked for them to be protected and safe at all times. Their dad only told me last night that during the weekends at night the streets are packed with people walking past as it's a popular nightspot for the bars and clubs. And even though my kids are inside they're only one floor above all of that...makes me feel a bit worried. I kept wrapping myself up and even put an extra layer of clothes on but the chill wasn't really because it was cold in the room... But I kept asking for protection for me and the kids over and over again and to keep us all safe and in the end I did manage to relax. I shall speak to the kids today and ask how they really feel about staying at their dads' and that if at any time they feel threatened they should call me and I'll come straight to pick them up! But deep down I know I have got plenty of protection from above and angels watching over me and them so it will all be ok. |
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I think it was the night before last if I remember rightly, not sure as all days seem to just fly by lately but in any case. I was in bed trying to go to sleep soooo tired and worn out. As I blinked I suddenly saw something like a 'peephole' through which I saw moving scenery. Very weird it was like I was watching from afar or from above...a town but kept moving. I blinked and it came back different scenery and changing all the time, if felt like it was something good and exciting but kind of 'not here and not right now'. In the end I was so tired I fell asleep anyway. But I wanted to make a note here in case it happens again as it was definitely interesting! |
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. I just feel like my career is going nowhere fast. I should be happy I can work only a few hours a week and around my kids etc but this I realised today is just not enough. If I have too much time on my hands especially during the day I get bored and end up getting nothing done, the house is a tip and I've got all day from when I drop off the kids at school til I pick them up to do it and do I do it? No! I'm decorating my son's bedroom and should have had that done ages ago but just can't seem to have the energy for more than an hour a day or so... Soon today will have gone aswell and what have I accomplished??? I need to have a career, but I also need my kids to be well looked after and happy, can I combine the 2? Well I'd better get back to stripping paint
get a grip Anne!!!
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