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| | From:  pspsue (Original Message) | Sent: 5/9/2005 4:26 PM |
i think this is the right board?? am still abit confused, about what to post where..lol i'll get the hang of it though! this is where im supposed to tell ya about me.... ok.. bare with me, alot of this is difficult yet, embarrassing for me to write, but truedreams and alfee, have told me that this is a safe place, and that ppl are understanding, and i think it would help you to understand me if i tell you abit about me. so hear goes (big breath!) im 33 and i live in ontario canada.. ive been married for 10 years, and we live in an apartment, and have a cat named snickers.. im on permanent disability, which here is cpp disability.. i volunteer though, at a place called Hope's Garden, which is an eating disorder support and resource centre, which i also attend groups at (more about this later on) and in the summer i help out some weekends at festivals making elephant ears in the parks here in town. (elephant ears, to explain them, are like funnel cakes, beaver tails, what have you, big pieces of fried pastry, covered in sugar) anyways, that starts soon, so will be busy on weekends! i suffer from alot of issues (some that certain ppl will say that are within my control to stop, i disagree very strongly!) the main ones are an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, and s/h issues.. i also have migraines, major tmj, narcolepsy, osteo arthritus in my thumbs (and i think other places, just not diag) i go through bouts of insomnia alot, but i think thats when im really thinking about the other stuff!! lol. i am in therapy, i started seeing a psychologist the later part of last year.. i go weekly, and its very hard, but i know that i need to do this, to recover from alot of crap. i also see a dietitian regularily, she has me on ensure (meal replacement crap) and protein shakes, and has recently written a letter to disability, to try and get them to cover it.. wish me luck, the letter goes in to them tomorrow! paula, my dietitian, also is the vice president of hopes garden (as mentioned above, where i volunteer and go for groups) and she runs the pillars family and freinds support group at hopes garden (for family and freindds of ppl with eating disorders) that my husband albert goes to.. that is tonight, so he will go there right after work, and be home late tonight. i like that he can go there for support too, cause i know that i drive him nuts with all my stuff i do! its also hard, because the facilitator is my dietitian, and so she knows all thats going on, so i have to tell the truth!! (yes, i know that techniqually she shouldnt, becaue of confidentiality and stuff, but we have known her for like 12 years, she came to our wedding and stuff, so i really dont mind that she does, i know she only does it cause she cares about both of us..) ok, i think ive lost my train of thought... plus this post is huge already, so i think i should end for now... i hope this little bit of info on me, helps you understand me abit, if you have any ? please feel free to ask, im not shy (well, actually I AM, but whatever! lol) take care, luv suelynn |
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Suel.......you have the right page and I can really relate to your eating disorder. I too suffer from an eating disorder. I am okay right now, but I never know when it will hit again, and I stop eating all together. It is a problem that not many understand. I loved your poem, for I can totally understand where you are coming from. I have friends that I am going to visit in Ontario this late August. They live way up by North Bay. They were here to visit last summer. I am sorry you have so many problems, and all I can do is pray that you can live with them like I have had to do. You WILL survive. Love, |
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SueL, girl you have such a loving, free and welcoming soul. Your writing is really superb I could have read more and more. It was just such a comfortable read. Thank you so much for filling in some empty parts for me and showing everyone what a real special person you are. None here will judge or discredit anything you tell us, remember that. I know everything you go thru is real and needs medical assistance. Not just you saying "Ok, I will stop that now." Doesn't work like that I am sure, if so you would have said that many years ago, right? Love you kiddo. Knew I had made a special friend when we shared in the Garden in Pathways. Thanx for being so dear to me.  |
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| | | From: pspsue | Sent: 5/30/2005 3:52 PM |
yup me time again.. guess i should share the "good news".. i got approved for the dietary allowance, like in two days, i put the application in not this past friday, but the one before that, and on the wednesday i got a letter saying i was approved. we are going to get $250 extra (the first letter that we got saying we were approved, said $255, but when we got our actual statement, it said 250) we arent squibbling over 5 bucks though... we thought that every month we would have to save reciepts and stuff, for the protiens stuff, and the ensure, but paula called him, as we werent sure, they didnt give us any info.. anyways,we dont have to give them reciepts at all (such a relieve, as im not good at saving them!!! LOL) because they give us the money based on the current drug store prices. so im abit less stressed about that aspect of it all.. but now stressed that, OMG i have to do it now.. but albert is being very supportive, saying that i dont have to do it all at once, just work up to it etc.. i told him i feel like im going to have to work out like all the time now, to work off what im going to gain... i dont want to gain!! i know i sound crazy... but im not underweight, actually kind of know im a good size (i have size 12 jeans, but they are loose, would probably fit into a ten) but i still would like to lose more.. im not going to say anymore numbers (and i apologise profusely for the ones i have, as i know that some members here have the same struggle as me, and i know that numbers can be really triggering, SORRY!!!!!! ) but theres still a part of me that wants to be THAT number... arrggg so annoying! i told her that i changed my mind, that i want to know how much i weigh, and she still wouldnt let me see!!! she said that i had lost some, but that my muscle was gettign better (she has a machine that she hooks you up to that tells you your body comp) so even though i lost weight, i must have gained SOME if i got more muscle, so muscle weighs more than fat! hahahaahaha! geesh, if i get any better at these mind games, i might as well just withdraw, cause no ones gonna win but me!! duh, im sooooo stupid! logically,i know im stupid for wanting to lose, but theres still this teensy part of me (ok, its BIG) that doesnt want to gain, but lose, and get sicker.... yeah, how sick is that?????????????? sorry to be rambling on.. luv suelynn |
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hi all, just wanted to give an update i guess. am still seeing paula every two weeks, im finding it very difficult to follow what im supposed to be doing. im really trying, and ive managed to get some "real" food in my diet as well as the ensure, but i havent even been doing that well. i havent had an ensure since thursday  and havent eaten much either.. just in this heat, i find it so hard, plus now with this viral infection (which by the way is so annoying, one minute i feel like im fine, im well, then boom, hits me like a ton of bricks again) im so nausiated. arggg so i dont imagine paula is going to like what she sees on thursday when i see her. about a month ago, i told her i changed my mind, that i wanted to know my weight, that i am ok with it, so she let me look, well, it was lower, and in my file, at one point, was lower that ive been in years, and i was like ok... by that night, i had worked myself into such a state, omg it was bad, albert was trying to calm me down etc, at the same time, i was worried that i wasnt even going to have a job anymore, so anyways, i had a really bad night that night..... i emailed paula, and said that i guess im NOT ok with knowing, and she was very nice about it, said that if i hadnt have tried, i wouldnt know, so that was a positive step for me. ive also been very stressed out not knowing what i was allowed to talk to my therapist about (regaurding the situation at hopes garden) i was afraid that i would break confidentiallity rules, but i told paula (who is now the president!) that i really need to talk about this issue, and that ali is my therapist, am i allowed to talk to her, or is there someone else i can talk to about it??? well, paula emailed me and said that by all means i can talk about it with ali, she is my therapist, and i need to deal with all the stuff as i am a victim in the whole situation, and that i need to get help with it. so, when i see ali on wednesday, she better watch out! i couldnt work this weekend, so im really angry at myself, even though i know i cant help it, (and also the fact that they were so dead, that they said they would have sent me home anyways!) and then i found out that one of the festivals was cancelled.. so, i onlly have 7 days left in the summer for working.... this weekend, and next weekend. that sucks, so im stressed out about that! i asked paula to order two cases of ensure for me, and a case of the puddings, so that should get me by... i only have 7 cans left (and i havent been drinking them, or i would have run out along time ago!) i see her on thursday and pick it up then. anyways, i guess thats all.... thanks for lettin me yap.. luv suelynn |
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