Have read, Cara, but will come back later,  Zy

More we have in common, Cara, only with me it was a step-father, from about 13 till 18 (kinda overshadowed the colour thing, lol) but I was older and able to rationalise more then.

 

I hadn't thought of this genre opening such sad doors and this one is heart wrenching, Cara. I am certain these times leave filed away memories which come to no harm by being aired amongst empathetic friends...I read and I felt... deeply, Zy

Very sad and heart-renching Cara.  Guess we all have more in common than we know.

hi Dix

I am  am sorry if this stired up memories. I find it easy to be that child. I have spent years trying to connect with her. Now the door is open she has alot to say.

i think many have such memories. I have come to believe as I travel communities on line and meet and share with others that my story is one of millions. abuse is almost a household world in a great number of families and it is only now that people are talking and sharing that the extent of the abuse children lived through is becoming apparent. And we live in a society that not only condones it but sanctions it in many of our intitutions.

We like to think ourselves civilized and maybe we are in the phase of recognising what holds our kind from being civilized. Maybe now issues of abuse are talked about more openly it will create less tollerance of such acts against those who are powerless.

that is my hope..

 

hugs

Cara

 

Zy  my child cries with yours. Yes I think we do share similar memories. and that makes me sad to thing you have flet that pain aswell.

Somehow that hurts deeper than feeling my own. I dont understand how others can be so cruel and harm others. I have lived with hate yet I dont understand it. When I feel it and see it it still shocks me. I wonder the why of that. Why  did I not learn to hate?

 

Cara

Ahhh...Cara. would we have been hurt less if we had grown like our aggressors???

 

I don't think so, but we would have lost so much more, my philosophy regarding the troubled years a long time ago, was/is that they were a learning curve (though darned if I always saw that at the time, lol) but most we do pass through...I left my school years behind and I left my stepfather behind so, then only had to rationalise the memories and scars which I did by playing a balancing act of the goods against the bads of the present times (wherever in life they were)... and I have been incredibly luckier than most of those who gave me pain, I am certain of that, for my only wish now in life (regarding myself and family) is that we sell our home here in England soon so we may live permanently in the Sth of France as we all desire.

 

But, since my tan is still with me, then one of my occassional problems is still with me also, and I don't hate those who have such limited vision, tollerance, kindness or intelligence...I just think of them..like that  and it works better than letting any negativity eat away inside, don't you think? We both seem to have an awakened spiritual feel for life so, we have won in the long run, perhaps by our experiences and ability to now be able to rationalise and empathise with others,  ...my child within is not dead, but certainly at peace with herself. I hope yours is too, Cara, I really do, Zy

lol....I really must come in the front door to threads, Cara, rather than through clicking on replies in What's New page on entry...I'd missed your's and Dix's comments and they are most interesting.

 

Re the child within...so many close it away and I fear that does not help the healing process as it simply emphasises that there is something wished to be hidden and that in itself creats problems through confusion. It is so easy for the child to assume some element of responsibility for whatever abuse takes place and that should not be the case. I don't think I ever closed mine away, merely filed it in the background, which left me with the option to retrieve as I learned more which I could put to use in the healing of the scar tissue. It has surprised me just how many poets (in particular) have suffered abuse, both as children and as adults, so it pleases me to find that we have an area of sharing and understanding, a sanctuary which is not always available to all who might use it. Your piece has prompted an interesting thread, Cara, thanks, Zy 

lol Zy you can come in the front door of your house you know haha.  Yes, back when I was little, abuse wasn't talked about.  It was hid away like alcoholism in the home.  And I read that the way you were treated as a child, makes you think you are unworthy and do not deserve any better.  That was with me, for I went from an alcoholic abusive father to a husband of the same.  All of my b/f's were just like dad.  That is why when I got sober, I have spent the past 5 years working on me and learning to love me and not try to be like what the man wants in order to receive love.  Your thread definitely helped get out past hurts.  Love you both!

I am thankful that the opportunity was here to look at this

as tonight I was triggered and I was more prepared than I might have otherwise been. I do marvel at the way events weave themselves

God bless the creator

My angels do work hard to cussion me.

Dix, you hit the nail on the head with this comment....

 

" And I read that the way you were treated as a child, makes you think you are unworthy and do not deserve any better"

 

and it is so true and that makes me so angry. I was lucky in as much as since the racist stuff began at four...anything else which came my way, I'd already worked out/realised that it was they who were at fault and not the child. It is amazing just how much the human mind can offer in resources if we can get ahead of the moment and take control. Once we allow the abuser to be the strongest (and I don't mean in the physical sense, most pain and scars are spychological)) it becomes harder and a longer process to regain one's self esteem and worthiness beyond the abuse.

 

We once had a challenge on another board to paint a self portrait of ourselves with honesty, so we would get some idea of the personality of those with whom we were spending cybertime, I shall post it in here for us, since this is a lesser used thread. Zy

Zy this is so beautiful and yet sad.  I even went in my 20's to an Adult Survivor Group for 3 years.  When you spend the first 20 years of your life never getting a hug, or told "I love you" by the parent plus the physical and emotional abuse, it lasts a long time.  The scars are deep.  It affects decisions you make, the kinds of men you are attracted to, etc.  I will not go into detail of the abuse either, but the physical is not as easily remembered as the words.  "Why can't you be like your brother?"  "Shut up, you have nothing worthwhile to say."  "You are unworthy of my attention, stupid and no good."  Those are the things that remain for years.

 

I grew up having music lessons, dance lessons, best clothes, belonging to the Country Club.  But, even those I am thankful for, I would rather have been poor and had my mother leave with my brother and I.  In both ways, maybe we both experienced low self-esteem, but I can only speak for myself.  Love you Zy and Cara!

Hi Zy and Dix

 

Thankyou for sharing some of your story with me here. Appreciate your trust and the safety Zy created here amonst us.

 

I agree with you Dix it is the verbal and mental abuse rather than being beaten that remains, Tho I do live with body memories from other abuse.

Coda was my first real taste of actually being aware of changing patterns and seeing how my childhood and teen years has skewed my view of life and shaped my patterns with contributed to attracting more abuse and pain to me. I never had any esteem as akid. It has taken me a life time to feel positive about self and to find self love. I still fall back into the old put me down thinking (stinking thinking my friend  called it in Coda). Making and finding friends is a challenge for me. But today I have overcome much of my self sabotage patterns. I still go through the horror thinking tho. I was hopelssly codependent back then. Today I have lft most of that behind. Hardly ever have to catch myself thse days.

 

love and hugs to you both

Cara

Thanks for sharing.

 

genltls hugs

Cara

There is one shame about this thread, Ladies, and that is that it is buried within the Challenge!!! And it will slip into the archives of past posts, instead of being a source of help/insight to others who would like to speak out.

 

This is worthy of being within the Podium and a place where views and thoughts could be shared and it could have been kept as a current thread/corner in the corner for other to perhaps join in with....sharing and caring.

 

Thanks, Cara and Dix, for a most illuminating experience, I do not share this topic easily, Zy