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ALL MY TUDORS...history chat	[email protected]

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General : Painters Tudor Travels
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(1 recommendation so far)

Message 1 of 78 in Discussion

From:

Painter12952 (Original Message)

Sent: 1/1/2003 8:49 PM

Well howdy doo to all my friends

From Paints, where nonsense never ends!

This is the place where I'll compose

And wax of all the Tudor woes!

I'll start by pasting all my stuff

Into a single thread of bluff!

So bear with me until I find

The odes that clutter up my mind!

I'll copy them and paste 'em here,

But it will take a while I fear!

And when the task is done quite neat,

You'll find the Painter's poems complete!

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Previous 64-78 of 78 Next Last

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Message 64 of 78 in Discussion

Sent: 4/24/2004 1:01 AM

This message has been deleted by the author.

Message 65 of 78 in Discussion

From: hythloday

Sent: 4/24/2004 1:33 AM

you know whats funny? i totally meant sleeping beauty! not that it matters since i stared at it for at least five minutes trying to remember who it was... i guess i'm not up on my disney princesses... i have a little sister who is five (yes, twenty year age difference!) who will kill me if she finds out...

autumn

Message 66 of 78 in Discussion

From: hythloday

Sent: 4/24/2004 1:34 AM

hahahaha, painter! i can see i almost got you to respond in prose!!! but you were too smart for that, weren't you?

autumn

Message 67 of 78 in Discussion

From: hythloday

Sent: 4/24/2004 1:35 AM

i'll admit, he's cute!

not like some of those brutes

but what i really admire

is her push up attire!

Message 68 of 78 in Discussion

From:

Kira0207746

Sent: 11/23/2004 7:57 PM

You all are a rip!

Message 69 of 78 in Discussion

From:

Painter12952

Sent: 12/30/2004 9:19 PM

From:

JHa90 (Original Message)

Sent: 10/20/2004 12:25 PM

http://www.nls.uk/digitallibrary/mqs/trans1.htm

this site has the very last letter Mary Queen of Scots wrote before her execution.

Original letter in French,but you can view the English translation,which makes more sense!

Message 70 of 78 in Discussion

From:

Painter12952

Sent: 12/30/2004 9:20 PM

From:

Painter12952

Sent: 10/29/2004 11:03 PM

Dear Brother, soon I will be dead.
Tomorrow, I will have no head.
They say I masterminded plot
To grab the crown I shoulda got!

I ate my dinner, then they came
And told me I was all to blame.
They said, "Hail Mary!! Time to die,

So tell someone you love bye bye."

Tomorrow when the clock strikes eight
I'm goin' throught the traitor's gate

Without the crown I never took
While jailor's treat me like a crook.

Alas my brother, I am sad.
I wrote a will, they said "Too bad!"
They cried, "No no! It cannot be!"
And took my pen away from me.

Tomorrow is too soon! No fair!
I don't have time to dye my hair!
It's gray!!! I gotta wear a wig
To my own last beheading gig.

At least I will not die in vain
The true religion keeps me sane.
Saint Petey's gonna let me in
In spite of all my lusty sin.

Let's hope the headsman's not a hack

And chops it off with just a whack,
But if it takes more than a stroke

I'll say more prayers before I croak.

Love,

Mary

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Message 3 of 3 in Discussion

From: Greensleeves

Sent: 10/29/2004 11:59 PM

That's nice, Painter LOL LOL LOL

Message 71 of 78 in Discussion

From:

Painter12952

Sent: 12/30/2004 9:23 PM

From: Greensleeves (Original Message)

Sent: 10/11/2004 8:52 AM

Trolling online for stuff as one does.....came across a bio of St Margaret, Queen of Scotland, at About.com....which states the following:

After Her Death: Of her relics, Mary, Queen of Scots, later had possession of Saint Margaret's head.

From:

Painter12952

Sent: 10/13/2004 10:10 AM

Hey Darnley! Come look at what I have just found!

Why it's Queen Maggie's head lying there on the ground!

I think that I'll keep it to bring me some luck

When the Yankees arrive and the Scots go amuck!

I'll fix it up pretty and buy it a wig,

I'll make up it's eyes so they look really big!

It'll sit on my dresser and watch as I sleep

I am happy I found it, and it's mine to keep!

I'll cherish it always to be my best friend

And I'll tote it around till my days come to end!

One day I might need it to make a repair

If they cut off my own, then I'll have one to spare.

Mary, Queen of Scots

From: Greensleeves

Sent: 10/13/2004 10:19 PM

Painter slays me ROFLMFAO

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Delete Message 9 of 11 in Discussion

From:

Painter12952

Sent: 10/13/2004 10:50 PM

Hey Mary! Gimme back my head!

I doesn't matter that I'm dead!

I want it back! Surrender now

Or I will pay you back somehow!

I got some clout, cuz I'm a saint,

And that is something that you ain't!

You sinned a lot, while I was pure

And you'll get yours for this, I'm sure!

Big deal that you are still the queen,

Your dirty laundry's being seen!
Up here in heaven's crystal ball

Your secret life is seen by all!

I'm Maggie! Saint of all the Scots,

Like Sally Field, they love me lots!

But you my dear, will be despised

For all the plots that you disguised.

Now I'm not gonna be your friend

Cuz severed necklines will not mend,

And all your sins won't set you free,

You took my head away from me!

THPPPT

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Message 10 of 11 in Discussion

From: ForeverAmber

Sent: 10/13/2004 11:01 PM

OMG.....reading Painter's latest here & dying laughing because all I can think of is MQOS playing with it like it was one of them giant Barbie heads ROFLMFAO

Message 72 of 78 in Discussion

From:

Painter12952

Sent: 12/30/2004 9:26 PM

From:

Kira0207746 (Original Message)

Sent: 12/26/2004 3:28 PM

I've heard he was. Do you think so? Or was it the power that came with his being King. That can be pretty seductive. He must have had something going for him.

From:

Painter12952

Sent: 12/27/2004 12:39 AM

Of course I was sexy! How DARE you inquire?

I was London's most sought after nookie desire!

They broads stood in line like a dog for a bone

And I bagged 'em all good and I made 'em all moan!

Recall how I dumped on my wife number one?

And she cried like a babe when she missed all the fun?

She wanted me bad, she was hot for my bed,

And she hated to see me with Annie instead!

But I didn't cave in, and I got a divorce,

And I married Boleyn as a matter of course.

But alas, I got bored so I whacked off her head

So that I could make whoopie with Seymour instead.

The dame had no chin but I didn't care less,

Cuz she had what I wanted right under her dress,

But she died really quick when I knocked her up good

So I got me another like any man would!

The woman from Cleves thought I was a real stud

But she neighed like a horse, and she looked like a bud

So I hastened a quickie but royal divorce.

(Poor thing couldn't help it she looked like a horse.)

And then I met Cathy, I boned her a lot

And I made her a queen, gave her all that I got!

I got her addicted! I knew that I would,

In a matter of time she was up to no good.

So I cut off her head. She was gone for a while,

And my sex appeal soon made another one smile

Cathy Parr couldn't wait till she leaped in my bed

An' we did it each night till I ended up dead.

I was sexy for sure! You can ask any wife

Or all of the the others I shagged in my life.

I boned 'em all plenty! They never said, "No",

Or I'd have 'em beheaded because I said so.

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Message 4 of 4 in Discussion

From: Greensleeves

Sent: 12/29/2004 1:46 AM

I was London's most sought after nookie desire!

I lost it right about there ROFLMFAO....I have no words.

Message 73 of 78 in Discussion

From:

Painter12952

Sent: 1/14/2005 4:15 AM

From: Greensleeves (Original Message)

Sent: 1/1/2005 9:46 PM

It's been said that Anne Boleyn never really thought Henry would execute her, that she clung to the hope that he would either send her to a convent or to France. With what is known of Anne's personality & temperament, any ideas on how the religious life would have suited her?

"Hey Henry, don't whack off my head,

Without it, I could end up dead,

And I do not deserve this lot

So here's a good idea I got.

I'll go away and be a nun,

But it won't stop us having fun!

You'll marry Jane, but when you're bored

You'll want the queen you once adored!

Remember how you broke your vow

When you divorced the Spanish cow?

Well Jane won't satisfy your need

When all her innards up and bleed.

You'll be distressed! You'll wanna bone

When you recall I made you moan,

And you can pay a chamber call

When I am at the convent hall."

"No Annie! This here plan won't do!

I have to rid myself of you!

I hate your guts! You had no son

God will not let you give me one!

I called the convent broad in France

And she replied, 'There's not a chance!'

She said, 'No no! It would be queer,

If Anne Boleyn was living here!

She won't fit in! She hates the pope,

Says Martin Luther's not a dope,

Her mouth is big, her hair's too long,

I'm sure we'd never get along!

She's gotta die! She must be dead

So you can have a boy instead

If Seymour croaks from giving birth

You'll find a dame with better worth!'

So, Anne, I gave the thing a try

Since I am such a sweetie pie,

But as you see, I got no choice,

With Rome, we simply have no voice!

"But Henry! You made ME the queen!

I boned you when your leg was green!

I faked it when we were in bed

So now you're gonna have my head?"

"YEP"

"Phooey..."

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Delete Message 5 of 9 in Discussion

From:

Painter12952

Sent: 1/5/2005 12:44 AM

From:

Kira0207746 in response to Message 1

Is it true that Anne Boleyn had 6 fingers on one hand? And is it true that the last child she gave birth to was deformed?

Of course it's true! That's why she died!

The broad had demons deep inside!

Six fingers on her ugly hand

Was proof I came to understand!

In spite of this, I loved the broad

But then I heard a voice from God

He said to me, "There's devils there

Beneath that head of raven hair!

She's got a bump! Look on her back!

You sure you want her in the sack?

She's never gonna have a male

And Tudor's line will not prevail!"

I didn't listen just at first

Cuz Annie made my member burst,

We had a boy deformed and dead

So that's when I whacked off her head.

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Message 6 of 9 in Discussion

From: ForeverAmber

Sent: 1/6/2005 6:02 PM

Lord have mercy....Painter.....you have outdone yourself for sure!!!

Message 74 of 78 in Discussion

From:

Painter12952

Sent: 1/14/2005 4:17 AM

From: ForeverAmber

Sent: 1/13/2005 12:39 AM

There's been speculation that Henry had syphilis...which could have been a reason he couldn't begat nicely.

I was young! I was horny! I wanted to bone!

I had no idea I was syphilis prone!

Some broad on a mattress was filled with the clap

And she gave it to me in a fanciful trap!

I couldn't resist it! She batted her eyes,

And I had no idea that she boned other guys!

She was cheap! What a slut! She was up to no good,

And she poisoned my member just like a whore would!

No, it wasn't my fault! I was young, and quite chaste,

But I needed it bad! There was no time to waste!

So I boned every broad who would lift up her skirt

And because of those women, my privates were hurt.

(1 recommendation so far)

Message 75 of 78 in Discussion

From:

painter1295233

Sent: 2/14/2008 4:18 AM

I never loved a queen I wed

They ended up divorced or dead

Until I croaked before Kate Parr

Who wanted Seymour from afar!

Those broads were nuts! Take Kathy One

Who woulda made a better nun!

She prayed a lot and counted beads

Instead of baking all my seeds!

I dumped her when I spotted Anne

Who made me feel more like a man

And promised me a baby king

If she could wear my wedding ring.

I boned the dame, then we were wed

And pretty soon whacked off her head

When all she did was make a lass

Then scream at me and give me gas.

And so I married chinless Jane

Who wasn't hot and rather plain,

And though she had a bouncing boy

She never gave me any joy.

The girl was sick! She'd say. "Not now!

I got a headache! Holy cow!"

I tried to get between her thighs,

But then the broad just up and dies!

And then comes Annie straight from Cleaves

Who whinnied and she made me sneeze.

I never gave this queen a try

And told her, "It's divorce or die!"

She kept her head, I spied a Rose

Who had no thorns and I proposed

I made her queen, she slept around

And then her head fell on the ground.

I gave them all a farmer's chance

And did my best to fake romance

But I could not because you see

I never loved no one but ME!

Message 76 of 78 in Discussion

From:

painter1295233

Sent: 2/14/2008 4:27 AM

From: Greensleeves (Original Message)

Sent: 6/2/2007 2:24 PM

Since that Showtime series is more like a Tudor tabloid than real history, I present to you in all its glory

THE TUDOR TATLER: ON THE CUTTING EDGE OF THE ROYAL COURT

Apparently I got waaaay too much free time today but it amused me to play with LOL

I am impressed! What sheer delight

To see this masterpiece tonight!

No fishwrap here, this work of art

Has made me smile right from the start!

I'd love to read about Jane's chin

And see a face that's not caved in,

And "Gay or Nay" has got to be

A must read for the likes of me!

The rag is hot! It can't be beat

Unless we make it all complete

By waxing all the tales of fun

With just a little bit of pun!

So come on gang, let's grab a quill

And write the stories with a thrill!

The cover's great, now let's add more

And see what else we have in store!

You get the drift? Now make a choice

And let us hear your Tudor voice!

A source who says, "I'm close to Jane,"

Has said "I heard the queen complain

'I am forlorn! I got no chin!

My lower face is all caved in!

I need some help! What shall I do?

Can someone lend a chin or two?

Doc doc!' "Who's there?" 'It's me! It's Jane!

My chin is gone! My face is plain!'

"What nerve you have!" The doc replied

It's all your fault Anne Bullen died!

You got no chin? You've got a head!

And Henry Tudor's in your bed!

You boned the man and told him lies

And said, 'Anne slept with lots of guys!'

He whacked her head off, married YOU

And knocked you up a peg or two!

Begone Queen Jane! Go home and cope,

You're doomed to have no chin and mope!

Take my advice and go to bed

And call me if you wake up dead."

Message 77 of 78 in Discussion

From: Greensleeves

Sent: 2/14/2008 2:29 PM

Do add in the rest of the recent masterpieces floating around, Painter! Since you got the nice linkage from Tudor History's Tudor Humor section n all

Message 78 of 78 in Discussion

From:

athesltan

Sent: 10/12/2008 12:39 AM

I have to say English I don´t know enough
but from Paiter I can´t get off
I join this site to learn from you
history mysteries I culdn´t get trough
I hesitated if change my mind
but guys you are making me enjoying this till laugh

sorry about the metric but it´s the best I can do

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