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| | From:  annieb909 (Original Message) | Sent: 28/05/2006 2:20 p.m. |
I have a 17 year old daughter that has had numerous problems for years. This year it all seems to be coming to a head and sorting out just what is going on has been a full-time job and major struggle.
My daughter was always a very independent, stubborn, willfull child, but also very smart. She was a bit of a loner even as a toddler, always on the periphery of a group of friends rather than fully engaged with the activities.
As she got into her elementary years, she struggled a bit academically and some teachers suspected some kind of learning disability. She was tested and was borderline ADHD, but nothing further was done about it. She developed a habit of "closet eating" and gained a fair amount of weight - a sure sign of a self-image problem.
In her first year of middle school she became quite ill - she missed several months of school and during this time, no medical tests or doctors could determine what was wrong. She had a "fever of unknown origin" and an odd list of symptoms. Finally out of my own research, we determined that she was suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome and had some elements of fibromyalgia.
This was a true turning point in her life. She could no longer live a life of a "normal" teenager due to the restrictions put on her by her rheumatologist and enforced by me. She began to show signs of a lot of anger and started to become very irritable and abusive. We made the mistake of excusing more of this bad behavior than we should have because of her medical condition. I asked for psychotherapy to be added to her ongoing treatment to help both her and our family deal with the affects of chronic illness and the anger that she seemed to have about it. There were only minor improvements as a result.
Between then and now, there have been a great deal of problems and it has now seemed to come to a head.
In high school she began to act in very inappropriate ways sexually - using sexual favors in an attempt to buy love. She would think nothing of taking inappropriate pictures of herself and sending them to boys that she met on the internet. She experimented with pot and drinking and smoking cigarettes. Her relationship with her father and brother deteriorated. She was also "dropped" from her circle of friends that she had belonged to in middle school.
Every winter she would have a "relapse" of the chronic fatigue...it would become a battle to get her to school and keep her in school. She wanted to be "normal" so she would stop following the advice of her doctors and would end up getting sick again....or so it seemed.
She continued to have problems with anger. It was mostly interfering with her home life though at this point. I also noticed that she began to expect that the world revolved around her. I thought it was just part of the teen mentality.
About a year and a half ago, my daughter and I left the rest of the family - our home life had become so negative and toxic to the point where it was more painful to stay than to leave. Initially, we had a good relationship. There were no really large issues.
Then I discovered that she was neglecting her school work, hanging out with kids that were a bad influence and not following my rules. As soon as I exerted my parental rights to enforce the rules and make her accountable for her school work, the big struggles began. She is verbally abusive and can be very much a bully in an attempt to intimidate. She refuses to be controlled at all costs - she has to win every battle set before her and she will "cut her nose off to spite her face." Things settled down for a little while after I called the police on her.
This past year things have gotten worse. Anger seemed to control her life. She had terrible moodiness that was affecting everything in her life..even her boyfriend that she claims to be in love with. I sought help from the medical community again. In January she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, oppositional definance disorder, anxiety disorder and ADHD. She shows classic signs of severe depression and has missed a great deal of school for a number of reasons. She is taking medication for her bi-polar disorder (if she remembers to take it, which usually doesn't happen without prompting), but although I take her to therapy, she refuses to actively engage in it.
She has become a master manipulator and a chronic liar. She feels that no rules really apply to her, either at school or at home. When she is caught red-handed, she shows no signs of remorse. She never seems to learn from her mistakes...she will repeat the same offense over and over again even after receiving consequences. She seems incapable of even grasping the concept that there are consequences to her actions.
She hates school...my once bright, high-achiever has basically written off school...her only goal is to put it behind her. This past month, she has repeatedly skipped school, even after receiving in school suspensions. She was given special accomodations all year long due to her chronic fatigue and other mental health disorders and now has the feeling that she is owed special treatment regardless of her effort or attendance. She lies to me about where she is and who she's with. She continues to smoke in my house and have people over here when I'm not home - both of which are blatant violations of my house rules. Lately, she has started taking money from me. Thankfully, she still does not have her license or access to a car...I have refused these privileges due to her lack of responsibility and trustworthyness. She also seems to have the emotional age of about a 5 year old...she is whiney and throws temper tantrums when things don't go her way. No is not a word that she recognizes.
I just recently came across information about personality disorders. I have been struggling with trying to sort out the source of her behaviors...it's so complicated with all of her medical diagnosis and mood disorders. I have always held onto the hope until very recently, that I would stumble upon the right answers, get her the right help that she needed, or that she would some day snap out of it. Now I am beginning to wonder if that's even at all possible.
Yesterday I discovered that she had taken money from me. I managed to summon up the strength to call the police on her again. This time I filed a report but did not press charges. It was a small amount of money and I guess I'm still hoping that I can "scare" her into getting her act together. Her reaction was basically to laugh in my face about it. You see, she does not take blame for anything that happens to her, so of course the whole incident happened because I'm just a crazy person "who should rot in hell".
I am considering sending her away to one of those schools for troubled teens. Has anyone had a personal experience with one of those schools? I know that I can't take life under the same roof with her much longer. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. She wants to go away to college (IF she even graduates) and expects me to put her in an apartment (there are no dorms at the college that she wants to go to) and I'm actually considering doing it just to get her away from me. Sending her to live with her father is not really an option.
I am open to any advice that anyone is willing to share.
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Dear Annie,
There is no one problem that told me my son ws a P.
And, noone could have told me either.
There is a book called "High Risk",,,children without a conscience.
I read it when my P son was little.
Hope you find the answers you're looking for.
Freespirit |
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| | | From: dj7106 | Sent: 28/05/2006 9:24 p.m. |
Annie Your daughter is alot like mine, except that mine was not as much openly defiant, she was more passive aggresive and "behind your back" with her attacks against me. I don't know how old your daughter is at this point. First of all, I'm shocked that they diagnosed her with bi-polar if she's under 18. They don't like to diagnose a child when they are still a minor for fear the diagnosis will "stick" for a lifetime. I don't know where you are located but, once we lived in Florida when my daughter was putting us through hell, we had good medical insurance. I took her to a place called "Tampa Bay Academy". They were a Godsend. They took her in for several months and insurance covered the entire cost. I think she even liked it. You can search them online. They are in Tampa, Florida which is a beautiful area. They will give intense therapy, group therapy, and medication regimen if needed. All in a beautiful inpatient setting. If your daughter is 18 or over, I recommend kicking her out and sticking to your guns if she doesn't want to follow your rules. Just reading between the lines I can tell she has been controlling you for sometime and sometimes when you're in the middle of it, it's hard to see objectively. I use to always think mine would some day "grow out of it" too. Well she's turning 29 and she gets worse, not better. Of course eveybody is different, I'm not diagnosing your daughter, just telling you my story. Hope this helps. Stick around and vent, this sight is wonderful. d.j. |
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Thank you for the book suggestion. I'll have to go look for it. I can use all the resources available to me at this point.
annieb |
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d.j. - thank you for telling me about the Tampa Bay Academy. We live in upstate NY so I'd prefer to find a similar place that is closer to home but am not against sending her elsewhere if need be. What a godsend that would be if I could find a place that would be covered by insurance. How did you get your daughter to go? I know mine would fight me tooth and nail. I would have to have her escorted.
My daughter is going to be 17 in three days. She was diagnosed with bi-polar (rapid cycling) disorder a few months ago along with anxiety and oppositional disorders and ADHD.
Yes, she has been controlling me for quite awhile. The chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia diagnosis really cloud this situation because I have been told by health care professionals that unless you have had these conditions, that you have no idea how incapacitating they can be. You almost have to rely on the person with the conditions to tell you how they are feeling because the symptoms are "invisible". It has taken me awhile to realize and accept the fact that she has learned to use this to her advantage.
I am glad that I came across this site. Its nice to know that I am not alone and to have an outlet in which to tell my story to people who know exactly what I am going through.
I am still holding onto a thread of hope that she will "outgrow" this or with proper treatment, be able to lead a normal, happy life. The stories that I read here tell me otherwise which is really frightening and very sad.
annieb |
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| | | From: dj7106 | Sent: 30/05/2006 7:08 a.m. |
annie My daughter had no choice,,she had just been a run away for 6 months and we found her (or the cops did). We didn't give her a choice. They put her on all kind of meds for bi-polar, etc. None of them did her any good. I know alot about fibro and cfs, although they can be incapacitating, they don't change your moral character. Soon your daughter will be 18 and she will be an adult. Demand respect from her, especially if she'll be living in your house. Hope you find what you're looking for. d.j. |
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