My heart goes out to you.I know how you are probably feeling.Part of your story could have been written by me.I done the hardest, most cruel thing I had ever done last year.I threw my P son out and he wasn't even 16.When I realised things would never change I was so full of anger,aimed at him, for being the way he was.I wanted him to change back into my baby boy and how dare he put me through this after I had sacrificed everything for him.I had tears running down my cheeks as I ripped up photographs of him and tried not to think of him as my baby boy.I could smell him all over his clothes but they went in a bin bag.Part of me wanted no memories as they were too painful.I moved house just before xmas and there is nothing of him here.I have some photos that I had to keep.
I still spend hrs wondering what went wrong.Part of me still blames myself.I had been on my own for many years before I met my husband and I still torture myself with, what if I had never met him- would my son be any different.My husband was quite strict and my son hated that.I wonder was he too strict or did he feel left out? I could go on forever with my ifs.But reality tells me that even if I was slightly right,surely that wouldnt turn my son into a thieving,pathalogical, manipulating, un-caring person- he was born like that and the signs were there but I couldnt see them.
As hard as it is, I know I have done the right thing.There wasnt an alternative.In England there is little or no help whatsoever available.A childs behaviour is blamed on bad parenting and I am not a bad parent.
You have done the hardest part, just take one day at a time and never blame yourself. Hope you find peace within yourself. Take care.I will be thinking of you. |
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