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| | From:  EUCmom (Original Message) | Sent: 10/10/2008 1:36 PM |
I had my second eye testing yesterday. The last one I had was inconclusive, he could not get what he wanted. Well we did the tests over again but this time here in his office. I did the little follow the red dot and click the button when you see a green dot flash. I didn't do to well. When he got the print out he then took me over to another machine to look in my eyes for a long time. He showed me the print out and said I have some sort of ocular (sp) curve which means I have glaucoma in my left eye. Then he asked what kind of damage I have in my back and what kind of meds I have been on, yeah right. The print out showed dark areas in the same parts of both my eyes which he says means I have had a series of mini strokes and nerve damage which in turn explains whatever he sees in my eyes. I just chalked it up to the next medical adventure in my life. He has to run more tests in December then he will put me on eye drops for the glaucoma. Last night I was a little too busy to think about it but this morning when everyone left I guess it hit me a little harder and now I am scared of what will happen to me next. Hell I am only 44 and still have young kids at home. The two youngest are only 11 and 8. After 4 boys I finally got my girl I always wanted to do things with and now can hardly walk or go anywhere to do all the things I dreamed of with her that I never had with my mother. WTH did I ever do wrong to deserve all this pain in my life? I feel like I am being punished for just living and being alive. I had so much pain in my hips and legs last night I could hardly find a position to sleep in, my legs could not be on top of one another or even touch the blankets. Ugh I feel so tired all the time. I am going to go nuts worrying about everything. I guess just plain scared of my life. Well thanks for listening, when I even mention everything to my dh he just yells at me about everything I am doing wrong which the only thing is I smoke. I have tried to quit but just cannot seem to get enough help and encouragement from my family. What ever. I know though I can come here and just type away, post, read about all the things going wrong with others and try and help make them feel better. Thanks Kim |
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My husband had glaucoma in both eyes. He had to see a Dr. for years and put in drops to control his pressure. He finally had the laser surgery on both eyes a little over a year ago. He's been great since then. Maybe you could check with the eye Dr. about it? As for the smoking. I was once a smoker but quit long ago. I chewed the gum and it sure worked for me. Make sure you smoke the last cigarette the night before you go to bed, make sure no more are in the house and have the gum ready when you wake up. Start off with 4mg then change over to 2mg or you could do the patches. The one thing I can tell you about quitting smoking. Nobody can do it for you or force you to do it till you are ready. Once you are Really ready to quit, for yourself, you can do it. I always tell people, IF I could quit, anyone can, I loved my cigarettes. Now the smell makes me very sick. Now about the daily worry and pain. I would be telling a huge lie if I said I don't worry. In fact I have nothing but time to think about things to worry about. I hurt so much someday's I don't think I can take it another minute but I do. On the really bad days, the days when I rate my pain a 12 I make sure the TV is on! I put on a movie I really enjoy and I focus on that. Believe it or not the TV takes my mind off some of the pain. I was in my 40's when I got sick. I was so angry. I was angry at the Dr's who couldn't find the reason I was sick and make me well. I was angry at myself for being sick and I was angry that the world just kept going but I wasn't included. I got angry that I could no longer do the things I loved and I felt cheated. Then I accepted I was sick and I thought of everyone who was worse than me. I thought of all the children in the world who hadn't lived the life I had and never would. Then I was thankful for my husband, home and the fact we had insurance. I still get upset, I still worry, I still sit and cry my eyes out. All of those emotions are ok. The reason for this group is support, everyone here will listen anytime you need us. You are in my thoughts and prayers. |
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| | | From: CyndyK2 | Sent: 10/10/2008 5:24 PM |
Kim, nobody DESERVES to be sick or disabled; you have to get out of that mindset that someone is "punishing" you with this illness. The Bible tells us that God is a God of love, a caring Father who wants only the best for his children; I cannot believe he would deliberately visit sickness and disability upon his children. I DO believe, however, that we are given free will, and that we choose the life we are to live before we are ever born on this earthly plane in order to learn the lessons our souls need to learn to become more perfect in their quest to rejoin their Father. Heaven being a perfect place, there is nothing negative there, no sickness, no hardship, no adversity to overcome. Souls choose a life of adversity on the Earthly plane as a sort of "fast track" to learn certain lessons; it's the only thing that's ever made any sense to me; certainly more sense than "Divine retribution". Of course, you can just call me a New Age kook, if you like. HAHAHA I won't feel bad. But you know as well as I do that the smoking vastly increases your risk of strokes, and the medications you're taking may also make that risk increased by your smoking. You need to stop kidding yourself that it's your only vice, Kim, if you want to see your children grow up. Are some dried weeds in a little paper wrapper really that much stronger than you are? It took me 28 years, but I finally kicked that nasty habit with the help of the patches, and I smoked three packs a day; if I can quit, anybody can. But SweetTater is right; nobody can force you until YOU are ready to quit, and you have to make up your mind that you're stronger than they are. I wish you luck, hon; you CAN do it!
Cyndy
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| | | From: EUCmom | Sent: 10/10/2008 10:13 PM |
Cyndy and sweettaterpie, thanks for writing back and encouraging me to quit. A couple of months ago I tried using chantax, it worked wonders for the first two weeks then I went to the next dose and pucked my guts out for days; yeah I do that with alot of meds. But the thing is when I was using it my whole family didn't even realize that I had went from smoking a pack to smoking about three cigs a day until I asked them if they noticed anything about me. My dh didn't even notice. Yeah I would like more than anything to quit but I am trying. Today I smoked a half a one at a time. I wish I could afford the patches, they are expensive and I only get one check a month and it hasn't got signed yet, there is some kind of hold up in the office. And Cyndy I do believe in all what you said about god. I guess I screwed myself up before I was born, lol. My mom always yelled at me when I was growing up "I gained over 75 lbs with you, you were two weeks late, I couldn't go to my own grandmothers funeral because of you, you made me sick when you were born, (I had jaundice and was a sickly yellow), you didn't weigh enough when you were born and made me go home without you because you had to stay in the hospital for two weeks till you gained enough weight to come home, blah blah blah." Yeah by the way I have a great mom, hahaha. I wish. Anyhow I guess I didn't want to be here, lol. I am just kidding but that has been my life, one thing after another. I have learned to deal with most of it but it seems to never quit. I know there is a reason for this and I have to figure out what that is to take care of it. I will just have to pray alot harder for him to give me a sign. Kim |
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| | | From: Dan | Sent: 10/11/2008 2:01 AM |
Maybe you got a sign. Maybe the sign is right here, in the answers you got from Cyndy and Tater. Could be, huh? Good luck on quiting, hon. It's worth it. When you've quit you'll be so happy with how much better everything tastes and smells. Hugs and lots of love, Dan |
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| | | From: Hannah. | Sent: 10/11/2008 3:17 AM |
Kim, you did not do anything wrong. You didn't do anything to deserve to get sick. So, don't think that, ok?
I wish you luck in quitting smoking. Patches are probably about the same price that smokes would be, so you would just have to be ready to commit, knowing that you are spending your smokes money on patches, and do just it. I never can figure why health insurance companies won't pay for any aid's to quit smoking. Smoking costs insurance companies huge amounts....you think they'd be prepared to pay for whatever it takes to get people off tobacco!
Anyways, your dh may be afraid of loosing you, and that is why he yells about you smoking. Either that or he is a meanie poopie head!
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| | | From: EUCmom | Sent: 10/11/2008 3:27 AM |
First off Dan that was so sweet of you to say that. Believe me I am ready to quit but it scares the hell out of me for some reason. I don't know why. But I have started to just smoke a half at a time until I get my check to go get the patches. I am doing good with that. Hannah one thing, poopoohead he chews snuff and smokes my cigs in the morning with his coffee. He won't quit. Thanks for the encouragement guys. Was it hard for you guys? I really did start to feel the difference in June when I used the chantex. I actually started eating more too because stuff started to taste better, or just plane taste. Kim |
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| | | From: CyndyK2 | Sent: 10/11/2008 6:30 AM |
Kim, I was terrified when I quit, too. I burst into tears because my doctor prescribed too low a dose of the patches the first time I tried to quit, and I failed miserably. The second time, I was in the hospital and my doctor came in and asked me how I was, and I told him I wanted a cigarette so he had a nurse slap a patch on me instead. LOL I figured no time like the present to try again, since I already had two days head start. I had my daughter get rid of all my cigarettes, lighters and ashtrays before I came home from the hospital, fill the prescription for the patches (the proper dose this time), and I avoided going into the drugstore where I normally bought my cigarettes for weeks. Yes, it was hard for several days, but after a week I started feeling more human and began to taper the patches back. I took up crochet to keep my hands busy, and sugarless gum and hard candies to keep my mouth occupied. I also brushed my teeth a LOT, and tried to change the habits where I used to smoke. For instance, I stopped drinking coffee pretty much, since I associated that with smoking. Within weeks I noticed my cough was pretty much gone, I could smell better, taste better, and breathe better. I won't lie to you; it took about 2-3 years before I stopped occasionally wanting a cigarette, but I told myself I was never going through that hell again, and nobody was going to get me to smoke again. It wasn't easy; my sister still smokes, my son-in-law still smokes. But they do it outside in deference to me, thank goodness. With all the money I've saved, I've bought hundreds and hundreds of movies instead. : ) It IS worth it, Kim. Oh, by the way, Chantix has one weird side effect for some people; it can cause very odd and disturbing nightmares for some. I'd go with the patches, if your doctor will prescribe them. Just ask him to help you figure out the proper dosage.
Cyndy
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Well, this is an interesting post to say the least! LOL Not to scare you Kim, but listen to me for a minuet ok? 1. It is so important that you continue to try to stop smoking. VERY! You are reading from someone who has had strokes, seizures, heart attack and coma. Plus many other issues...lol And yes I unfortunetly started back again but know I must stop before I kill myself. I stopped for 4 months and I was so proud of myself for that. Then one day I started and don't have a good reason why, just did. No I don't smoke anyhere near what I used to but point is I started again and I know I will mess up myself if not permanetly. So just keep trying. And of course I will add that prayer helps too if you are sincere about it. Only God knows that part. But I will give you credit, you don't smoke like you did "yesterday" so you are on the right track. Some people just can't stop like that. I wish you luck there. As for your eyes, not sure I understand a whole lot about it but wish you luck there as well. I read your email, and I got the impression your mom was a tad angery when she had you? Brought back some uneeded memories....lol Just dealing with that issue is pretty tough and all I can say is I know the feeling. Anytime you want to talk, I am here. As for hubby smoking, maybe you can work on him to quit with you? It's much easier to quit when you do it together. Of course mine won't quit either but sometimes one really really needs to quit if they want to enjoy thier life. About Chantix, that is one med you really need to be careful about taking there. I would personally try something else like the patch. They have many different things out there. I just bought myself some kind of magnet you wear in your ear. I haven't got it yet, takes 3 weeks but it should be here soon. Cost me 40. so I hope it works for me! Take care Kim, enjoy life around you, and enjoy your daughter who needs you! Hugs Angel |
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| | | From: EUCmom | Sent: 10/12/2008 6:26 PM |
Only those of you who are smorkers or use to be smokers know how I feel and how I wish for myself an easy way out, but that doesn't happen. Yes with the Chantex it gives you the most awful dreams, cops chasing me trying to kill me, people dying, running, falling, being pushed out of a moving car, etc. Terrifying nonstop, no rest dreams. I would wake up crying in my sleep. The side effects they had on t.v. I had them all, gee when don't I. lol I want to get rid of the coughing in the morning, during the day and as I try to lay down to sleep. I keep telling myself that I shoud, that it would be good for me and my family but cannot figure out what is holding me back from trying hard enough. When I tried in June and started to succeed I was so proud of myself but then came the vomiting and without the pills to get rid of the I need it feeling I just started smoking more again till I was right back to smoking almost a pack a day again. I am going to try the gum, I have to take my daughter to gymnastics today and will go to walmart to check it out. I hope it doesn't taste too awful. And sorry Angel for bringing back bad memories, my whole childhood was one big mess. I was the product of my mothers first time on her honeymoon, I think she resented me for that and then what I already wrote. She never help me through anything. Whatever that is a different post altogether. But anyways thanks for your caring and encouragment. Kim |
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